Two steps forward... A light year back

I've been home now four and a half years. Over that time I grew and birthed two babies and watched my older two grow at a pace so quickly I cannot even define it. 

I found things in me and lost others. I discovered true friends (new and old) and found that love is both fragile and strong all at the same time. 

I find myself at 33 fighting battles I thought I had conquered at 20 and 16. 

I've searched for meaning, contentment, love and self realization. This process has brought me to my knees.

I'm in the best physical shape of my life thanks to t25 and a commitment I learned at the gymnastics gym as a child. I would even boast to say I'm pretty smoking hot for a mom of 4! Yet I find no joy in that. I still look in the mirror and battle the voices of "he chose someone else." This "HE" is a flexible term. Lovers from the past, the present and even just friends (the female kind) that chose  the easy road. That comforting a broken soul was too difficult so they ran far and fast. Or that the status quo was best.

The combination of tragedy and the blissful memory of being loved (although fleetingly) paired with belief of a few brave souls have driven me to pursue my dream of grad school. I applied to Simmons in Boston. We will see. 

After being brought to my knees by internal sorrow i found something. Everything is fleeting. Others may not, but I choose me. I choose to continue to pour my soul into those I care for, however unreciprocated or unnoticed. 

I choose to soar. Beneath this broken heart is a strength many overlook. I see the good, even in those who don't see it in me. I refuse to quit believing love is out there. Whether it be in the beauty of nature, the embrace of a child, a pair of brindled and bloodshot eyes, or those who see the scars and love anyway.

So there is my welcome back blog. Here is to growth, painful as it may be, love, and finding the path of joy!

"Do all things in love"

Taco Tuesday...

 We are chugging along this week:) kids don't have school Friday so it'll be a nice long weekend. 

Today is Landon's "birthday" at school:).. He is so excited!! He took an Avengers cake and gets to pick a prize!  I'm so pleased his teacher celebrates summer birthdays! Brad and I can both remember being unable to celebrate in some classes at school and it made us sad. 

Luckily no tball game so just running Angelynn into the gym, of course happy meal day and bath night!

It's now Wednesday. We went to the plant sale at South school:) purchased my tomato starts and some flowers:) Landon very sweetly gave a set of flowers to his teacher:) she was holding Benjamin for me.

Laine, Ben and I went to Walmart and got our groceries and treats ($1 bubble guns) and 2 cu feet of potting soil. Pretty sure I broke myself lifting it into the cart with Laine on my back!!

We will plant today since it is so nice out!!:) yay for sun! It's supposed to be pretty nice from here on out. Wahoo!

A single light bulb

Today was day 2 of the tent revival at church (we missed day one due to tball and gymnastics). Cool deal, in a tent with hay on the ground and lit by a single bulb. Brad spent today painting our room;) I helped tape and we all ended our night at the revival.


Pastor told the story of Jarius (sp?) and his encounter with Jesus ( dying daughter, asked Jesus to help, daughter dies, Jesus raises her from the dead). The most important point wasn't that Jesus healed the girl it was what he said to Jarius, "font be afraid, just believe."

Boy did I need this! We are approaching our custody trial for Angelynn. I have been praying that God would provide what's best for her. Each party has their opinions but truly God is the one who sees the whole picture and knows what she needs. This sermon just reminded me that no matter what we are experiencing we need to just give it over and believe!

Laine danced all over as we ate our fried chicken, she's such a darling. Angelynn sang beautifully and got to sit next to a friend from school. Landon had a good time and has been enjoying some video games:) and Benny was just sweet Benny:)

Laine has been wearing her crown and fancy dress Ruth gave her:) and Angelynn has been loving Alyssa's hand me downs:)

Tomorrow is bountiful baskets and tball pics. Sunday is church and a BBQ with fam! Blessed!

Surprise! It's game day!

After our quiet Monday Tuesday was a whirlwind! I better finish off what we did Monday:)

Moo erupted his volcano :) and he and sister snuggled and watched Duck Dynasty together:) we had "fend for yourself " dinner which is always fun! Moo picked waffles, cheese and tomatoes! Everyone else picked a more standard combo:)

Tuesday morning was fab! Everyone up on time and chipper. We had a great devotion time and everyone went to school. We missed lineup :( and moo got his finger pinched in the front schoolhouse door:( he recovered ok! Thanks to a smiling principal and teacher!

Laine and I got to clean and play at home and got a nice nap! Then it all went haywire!!

As I pulled into the school parking lot my phone rang.....it's the tball coach. She had just gotten the schedule and it is now GAME DAY! This rearranged my schedule a bit, not to mention I volunteered for snack duty by accident. (I asked if someone was bringing snack, no one was so it was me lol). I hang up and grab moo, who has so sweetly picked me a handful of dandelions :) (his sweet teacher helped him remove the ants before giving me such a sweet gift) :) we hustle home, I cut up a bunch of apples and we head out!we grab milk, return the red box, grab McDonalds (cuz it is happy meal day! Laine won't ever let me forget), and the kids and I eat dinner as we head to town to get Angelynn to gymnastics practice. We drop her and head back. As I get the kids out at the baseball fields Laine decides she will Throw a fit. This consists of her sitting down in the middle of the street in her rain boots and screaming bloody murder. Thx kid, I feel like crawling under a rock! Landon gets his snack to the coach and gets his uniform:) he's so cute! #2!! He and his friend Tristan chat it up and they all play really well! He hit the ball, caught some grounders and scored some runs! Go moo!

Finally we get home, frozen and tired:) all in all a good day!

Today I took Laine to the store dressed as Lainey GAga, and got a few groceries and a surprise for Landon, his own bat/ball/tee:) this mom is ready for a break!

Our mail came today and finally our diapers arrived from china:) and we got a letter from friends in Senegal. I can only imagine what my post person thinks lol!

I'm looking forward to a low key night for sure!