Now I know why

I know why she did it

Why she drank to feel numb 

The burn was nothing compared to the ache of non-existence 

The knowledge she was always second, a backup, or maybe even just an afterthough 

I know why she did it 

Why she scarred her skin

The blood was better than the tears since no one could see them

I don't know how she did it 

Stayed alive when she was fading away

Loved fiercely when nothing worked out right

Believes when there's nothing left; smiles while the waves begin to cover her face and her heart slows as it stops believing in love. Even though she desperately wants to.

Learning her worth one heartbreak at a time. Learning to be strong when there's no strong left.

I know why he fell, softly into a secret lover's embrace. The coldness of his existence was too brutal to take. So he finds solace in a strangers arms.

Love is funny: it heals, it destroys, it gives us hope or leaves us as Ice.

https://youtu.be/0OBMVgkGDjo

Oh if only

If only the words that pour from our lips were filled with love 

Instead they are poisened with fear, judgment and the heaviness of past hurts 

The Ignorant man refuses to move

Where the wise sits back and listens taking it all in to build the full body of art (per say)

Fear of pain drives us to sabotage amazing possibilities 

Love frees us to thrive in them, all the walls crumble and beauty can remain.

Arrogance can blot out the strongest fire. So be careful of what you comment on, for you only have a piece of the story. 

Vulnerability is terrifying. Are you strong enough to offer it? The gamble is worth the payoff 

https://youtu.be/6esq-JfP3Ww

Was I wrong?

https://youtu.be/VQiofgco6K4

Was I wrong to believe your smile or those words that slide down like tequila with a burn at the end? Was I more than just a body or a space to kill the time, a shot to ease the pain. Another gap filler another right one for now.

I am learning lessons fast. Like that I oft choose naivety to being savvy, purely to feel the joy that the way people now operate often sucks out. Not because I'm stupid but because I'm beautifully hopeful.

My scars and cracks and trickles of tears are what make me rare; i glisten as I break and become someone new.

Funny the words we let trickle out when we least expect them, regularly misplaced or ill timed or fallacy all together.

Strengthen your wings sweet fairy as you learn to fly. Don't let the scars keep you from taking worthy risks. For we all fall sometimes.... and more often than not there's no one there but our soft raw hearts to catch us as we fall. 

Some scars are forever, some heal quickly. Either way, the soaring is worth the descent. Whether the flight be long or short, the journey is worth it. 

So cry little fairy, soar, and risk the scars....it's time to spread your wings.

House of cards....

https://youtu.be/Ug2Ki8hpxcI

"You've been with older men? Then you know that they'll hurt you and then They'll discard you."..:. House of Cards

Well well this Hit home. You see, I once

Knew an older man, destroyed me when he discarded me. However, so have others my age and even slightly younger.

You see, I don't think it is the age; rather the intent. Is it to pursue something real and containing longevity? Or simply a fling separate from affection. Or lastly, did somewhere they get lost and their focus landed strictly upon themselves 

I'm constantly battling my soft hippie heart , but now it doesn't know up from down. What's real what's not. Praying and talking with Orion regarding the intense damage one last blow might do to the leftover pieces of my heart. 

Offering my purest kindness and truest version of me, risking being broken quite possibly the last time.

Oh restless heart. Breathe in peace lovely Fae. This change in tides is scary and horrible but in someways stunning and beautiful. 

Trembling hands and a quaking voice. Tears over kind deeds; tears over losses never to be remedied.

One more closing door may be the last. Please don't let me be broken yet again. Keep me safe as I heal, ward off the pain. My life is teetering, held together like a house of cards.

Now

You never call me yours and I can't call you mine

 the words I love you roll from our lips time after time

Yet we both sleep alone wondering why things fall apart 

and our eyes can't stay dry 

expectations without words causing pain and hurt

Redefining life every time we're kicked into the dirt 

the damage has been done by so many before 

 how do we heal 

 we can love each other more 

you shove me away so I don't break you

 in the process shattering me leaving me to beg you 

please love me where I'm at with all the scars and baggage don't go on the attack 

but let me love you with your demons with your fears and all the commitment your heart lacks

Hold me all night through let me help you relax

forgetting our mistakes so that someday we can laugh 

at the silly circles we weave just end up right back

Loving one another no looking back   

https://youtu.be/dyl3HS1xHlo

Forget

https://youtu.be/z8UuSCSm3r0

Wash my lipstick from your mirror 

wash your sheets so you smell me no more 

pretend like I have hurt you like all the others have before 

forget the way I kiss your lips and how you hold the door 

Remember not the nights of peace shared behind your bedroom door

Forget how much I loved you or how hard I tried 

forget the fact that you forgot me 

and how many times you lied

 Forget the way I held you as I cried massive tears 

forget the way you were my safe place for OH so many years 

Forget the many transgressions I silently forgave 

hold onto all your bitterness for that is what you crave

Some day may you find 

my lipstick amongst the cracks in the couch 

or smell the smell of lilacs and hear my name come out

Someday may you remember what it's like to love without reason and what you left behind

Someday maybe you will call me and remember I won't mind

How dare you

how dare you take my beautiful heart and smash it between your cold wicked hands and leave it as rubble for me to mend.

how dare you not listen to my tears as I begged for you to keep your words and you burned them with your fire breath.

how dare you love me deeply until it was no longer convenient. that my dear, is not love at all!

how dare you cage this rare bird by expecting to force your morality down my burning throat, it burns from screaming I will love you just the way you are.

how dare you not care for me in the simplest of ways. willing to protect my honor or safety out of pure selfish laziness.

bless you for your tender hands and dilated eyes; ones that view my dainty heart as a prize.

bless you for finding beauty in the scars, and the beauty in my wildness.

bless you for loving a mosaic heart, and binding it with yours.

bless you for not running when I made things hard.

beloveds, that is love; the journey, the willingness to be vulnerable and raw and forgiving.

beloveds we are all flawed, scarred, scared, and damaged.  not one better than another.

so when you say I love you......think long and hard, for when you suck those words back like a black hole, it leaves an empty space behind not just for her, but for all.

https://youtu.be/BF-nZziUCCY