Full moon

It’s December 12 the last full moon of the decade. It’s up and at its fullest at 12:12. This moon is supposed to bring on a new era, healing, cleansing. What it seems it brought me is perspective and retrospect and the opening up Pandora’s box that I have kept locked shut for a long time.

I spent most of the last decade in a very different life than I live now, a lot of things hidden for me some of them in plain sight. The last year of the decade has been spent redefining myself, my life, and trying to find joy. Sadly, that search for joy seems to have caused others pain. Whether that be friends or family or strangers even. 

I looked back on my memories and saw that my sweet little boy was not just sick today but it been sick in years past on this day I have gotten the chance to hold him while he’s hurting but then had to graciously let him go to his other home and it broke my heart because I want to be the one to wipe away his tears and hold him through his fevers. But I didn’t realize was that during this decade there of been people that have wanted to wipe away my tears or help me heal the wounds that I have either pushed away, not allowed, ordered was completely blind to the depths of their intentions.

This full moon sets for the new beginning. There’s no more “soaring“ as that season has passed in every way. Now is a season of putting down roots, tightening the sutures, and no longer seeing the bruises. It is a time for new life, new happiness, new heart aches, and hopefully not the loss of my fairy like joy and warrior like strength.

This new era needs to lead to forgiveness. Me forgiving those that I have tucked away the pain in my heart. Forgiveness asked for those that I have hurt selfishly, unintentionally, blindly, or due to my own lack of ability to face my demons.

May this next season of moons bring a softer kinder me. One with empathy, patience, and the ability to take down my armor and put down my face so that I can hear what’s being said without feeling I’m at war.

Blessings beloveds. May this Moon bring you healing, joy, forgive us and the ability to begin again. I know I’ve said this a lot but I am trying. Period. I’m trying to begin again, be a better me, and not repeat my mistakes.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=viimfQi_pUw&feature=share

Where are you now?

Once you said if I ended up alone you’d come. You’d come “fight for me” and I believed you....where are you?
That was a lifetime ago; you still cross my mind.
Sometimes I see you in other people.
A wrinkle by the ear, a confident smile, or a sadness in their eyes.
Sometimes I hear you. It can be a turn of phrase, the name of a kombucha, a head back laugh, or the lyrics of a song.
Irony lays at my feet as my situation solidified in, of all places, Portland. The destination of that trip we never got to take.
Soaring nonetheless, but missing my matching crow on the end of my piece of yarn.
I’ve sent smoke signals, a quiet gift, a postcard, and even the dreaded vm.
All replied with silence; silence, my beloveds, can be an answer in itself.
Orion watches over me as I dance through unknown steps, to a song I’ve never heard.
Where are you now?
 Am I asking this question of you or of myself. Where am I now?



https://youtu.be/EAHRurZfmHo



Somewhere in the middle

Feeling a little bit lost. Divorce is like being thrown off a cliff. Leaving you finding yourself left somewhere in the middle. You don’t belong. You have to learn how to be good with you, be good in your own skin. Even if you’ve never felt that way. You have a Chance to find this new you. But, you also belong to someone and no one all at the same time. You are learning to exist in a world made for two. And searching for your number two is a chaotic and strange endeavor. Again for a moment you “belong” to someone. Some people don’t struggle with this, I am. Being partnered for a over a decade this new world of come and go people or knowing every day you will wake up alone isn’t what I foresaw. Often times the independence post abuse is like flying. Others it is like a silent scream. You truly just have you to count on. Nothing has any promise of longevity or is without dangerous risk when it involves investing your emotions. I don’t think I was, or will ever be, cut out for weekends without my kids, or be cut out for heartache. I don’t want to live in the in between. Guess I better figure this independent thing out.

https://youtu.be/1h3sm5Bgyvs

Beautiful love

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/heart-of-somebody/1202338849?i=1202339292

This new journey is not a easy one. Seems the rules keep changing, the target is always moving. The consistency of falling in love is truly not a finite thing. It can vanish in a moment, and have nothing at all to do with you but with the wounds of another.

An endless game of hide and seek. Of sharing wounds, hopes and vulnerability to begin again with little to no warning. This could jade a gentle soul like mine.

Instead, I make an active choice. A choice to understand, to allow myself the space to question, fight, wAit or just be my loving self and see how the dice land. No need for self doubt or to react in a way that hurts another. 

Do I want that love I’ve been missing? Absolutely! Is it worth the wait? Unequivocally! The ebb and flow of vulnerability and the choice to give myself to another need not be drowned by tears but rather embrace each chance I get to love another human right where they are, no expectations outside of honesty. 

This I claim as part of my ethereal beauty. Sweet Fae heart, do not let this world make you hard or take away your beautiful ability to keep loving, caring and pouring out yourself. Maybe not today but one day it will flow back to you in a wild and beautiful fashion sweeping you away in ways I cannot yet imagine. 

I could let this journey break me. Cause me to hide those beautiful broken places away. Become hard or silent. I choose the way of the lotus, beauty through tribulations. Bringing my special and rare beautiful love to the table each and every day.

What does your journey hold beloveds? Has your vulnerability terrified you? Scared off other  loving souls? That’s ok! Better to love hard than to miss all the amazing opportunities in your path. When that person comes, and chooses me each day this journey, tears and all, will be worth it! For us both. Whoever you are ❤️

 I can’t believe I only  wrote twice last year. It was such a year full of tragedy and resolution and even trappings of joy. My body was broken by someone supposed to love me, my home became a Destiination not meant for me. My mother was taken from me by the brutal hands of it and caring soul. I earned my wings and follow my dream and made family out of friends from everywhere From Alaska to Africa and everywhere in between. I went to speakeasy’s, and rap battles, and kissed in the rain and laid in the middle of the street in downtown Boston. I packed up my precious things and took my little people to a new world full of snow to touch the hearts of adolescents which I never thought I do, you know?!  I had my heart smashed, tricks, owned, and loved. I gave up the dreams I thought I had just to dig them back up. I hiked, swam, slept alone, and didn’t! 

I snuggled like a backpack, held like a lover, had people become ghosts. I tried whiskey ha! Started a new life, a new career, family and friends! I’ve walked all over cities, towns, mountains and explored the beauty around me. I’ve seen ugly become beautiful and everything in between. Breaking hearts and having my heart broken. Picking myself up and handling it! I threw dandelions on my mama’s grave since my Rose was forgotten..... taken too soon and right after Mother’s Day. Braving the world as a warrior princess partnering with my tribe as we all get through. Meeting my ancestores and being given the matriarchial crown during a very intense body talk session. Watching my children grow up little by little and fighting against all that is adulthood and clinging to childhood, such a bittersweet time. Creating and building a home in a building filled with so much history yet the energy here is not sticky but soothing instead. Forehead kisses, lying tongues and forging a future on my own terms. In three days is what was my anniversary.... and I am at a place where I have nothing to mourn. I’m healed physically, strong mentally, and blossoming emotionally as I open my heart to new adventures, possibilities and love. 

Beloveds, my wild ride has hit a beautiful peaceful and quiet place of strength, joy and safety wrapped in quiet surrender of the protection of another’s embrace. May my nights be filled with simple dreams, my nightmares silenced and my wings spread wide to take flight landing on new runways as I explore the world I feared I’d never see. 

https://youtu.be/ZAfAud_M_mg

Changling

https://youtu.be/tG19gKhEOa4

So many years come and gone since I put that wedding ring on.... thought it meant something; it did. It meant pain, abandonment, lies and double standards.

As i pressed on to be a prov 31 wife he oggled images on the screen instead of feeding me. I was starving. Soon I love you turned into I don’t know if I do, to finally I surely don’t.

I screamed warnings silently that I was so empty. But these pleas fell on deaf ears and I lost my grip....I fell. I broke people and things. And I’m the only one held accountable. No apology or change big enough to cover my sins as others simple make excuses for theirs. What is one when pitted against a million. Soon the million mean nothing as they have become the perpetrators norm. And slowly you drown.

The rules change, rearrange until nothing is right and everything is wrong. And I went from starving to hollow. Praying to be hung from the gallows. 

No accomplishment nor greatness nor beauty nor effort starry the path. Rather they tighten the fist as if the better me I create the more I’m hated. Until that fist it turned to screaming words, frantic lunacy and once loving hands becoming weapons. 

Now what? I still shake and stutter and cry cuz my body aches and my hope is crumpled. I have watched what I loved die. My mother, my protector, my friend and partner. Just to know I’m forgotten. No rose for me.

I watch my tiny fae’s flit and play and laugh and cry. Oh how it hurts to see them cry and know that there as nothing I can do to change it. I’ve done it all, but they were meaningless tasks for they were merely spiteful challenges to see me squirm on a hook.

I look at the sharp edges of that diamond ring. It speaks nothing of love but rather sharp like glass; as if it would puncture my skin so I bleed out if I moved or touched it just wrong. How did something so beautiful turn into something so dangerous?

So the journey begins. Weeks away until I am a Changling. No longer chosen, no longer a wife, no longer the keeper of forever. Rather a gypsy searching for Home for me and the little faes. Stay, go, nothing really matters as none of it will ever be the same again. 

Remembering what solutions are not options. There is no bleeding the poison from this wound. Rather it takes up residence in my secret place. That place i used to let people see, now it’s just for me. 

No pain, sadness, or change of path can thwart my loving soul. For now it is mine alone. For those who said they’d come fight for me never did, and some just can’t cross all the miles.

So beloveds, take adventures to make your soul light and release all those glass shards. Explore new places, lay in puddles in the middle of the night in the city, kiss in doorways or under Street lights or in the pouring rain. For these kind of memories are far and few.

Soar!

Soaring...

https://youtu.be/84pRga_47ws

So it’s been 1 million years since I put my heart on paper. But I think it’s time to regain my voice. My throat chakra is wide open as I’ve been fighting for you using my words not only for me but for others. I began a journey three years ago that I have no idea how it would end. Maybe it was four, sometimes Iose track of time. 

Someone said to me once that I should soar. Little do they know that now I got a pair of fairy wings of freedom covering most of my back as a sign of doing just that, soaring. I’m in the last moments of my graduate program, something I never thought I would do, much less be successful at, yet here I am. It is been a long journey full of broken hearts, many plane trips, battles against my body and betrayal beyond belief.

I’ve made family through this journet from all parts of the country, and what a blessing they are. As I begin to build my tribe of fearless wonderful women the tears burn my eyes as this leg of the journey comes to An end.

 I sadly have never been good change. I lived in the same house for most of my childhood and my parents sold and shattered my soul. Now I don’t really know what to call home. Is it the place where I raise my children; is it a set of arms that feels like they’ve been holding you forever; does it live in your heart alone?

As not only this journey comes to An end, the finality of my divorce is quickly upon me. 15 years and somethings just never change. I fought the good fight but sometimes that’s not enough. It seems as if I lose more when it comes to love then what I gain. However, I had the bliss of being a first love, last love, sharing first kiss, a goodbye kiss, being a best friend, a girlfriend or a wife a mother and all the wonderful things that a woman can be. But now it’s time for me to be me, a sweet little Fae. 

There’s no more battles to wage or chasing to be done. now it’s emBarking on my own journey to find this new person that’s going to come out of this blissful yet bittersweet experience. Do I go back home? Build a life here? Or find an entirely new place to put down my roots? I never knew how strong I would have to be, But my mother once told me “never have I met someone who has gone through as much is you, and I don’t know why, but you have done it with grace.” 

So as I stretch my wings and I fly off into this new world, kind of like my daughter as she left the nest earlier this year :-) I get to search for what is me with the freedom to know that the only mark  I have to meet is my own.

I fly to Boston soon, something I’ve always wanted to do.  While I am there I will sing I will dance I will hug my friends I will get new ink bearing the symbol of the tree of life and I will embrace this new life that is calling me.

I filled my dream graduating from East Coast college, one that I’ve had since I was nine years old and living in New Paltz. I made my family proud and I hope I set an excellent example for my children that regardless of the obstacles you can overcome. But my heart still aches, my hands still shake and my body still aches and pains from being broken at the hands of another human. I can feel the strength flowing through my feet and weave  to my core wrapping tightly around my heart as I ground myself and prepare to grow.

So to all of you, my beloveds. Thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for encouraging me to grow, thank you for loving me even if you had to go. I hate it when things rhyme but it’s just the way it is. Someday I hope to cross paths with you to tell you how I’m soaring, my fear that you will never know even though you were there at the beginning. I reconnected with friends and lovers new and old and lost some along the way. Pray that during this journey I have just smoothed the edges and not lost what is at the core of my soul. I still long to look like love and find my forever. I have faith that whatever is brought to me I will conquer in my own gentle way and someday find someone with which I can grow old.

So to all my tribe, my secret fans, and those who have been with me for forever and a day thank you for loving me just as I am a sweet barefoot little Fae