Time

http://youtu.be/B7r08KNtiV8

The battle rages on with my body.... Intense pain and swelling. Fatigue, swollen EVERYTHING, and utter disappointment.

Fighting this body is wearing on me. But like all battles, it will end eventually:) thankfully I have a friend who has been helping me:) I'm grateful for her compassion.

It really leaves me feeling inadequate and lonely. These times are when I miss you.

 I miss the smile, belief, and compassion. 

For now it's just a whistful thought. A dream as I run this show alone. Powering through and hoping with each hour peace takes over:)

I'm marveling at how fast time goes. seems like yesterday I was turning 16. Now my daughter is coming up on that special day (in dec). I could do anything and never tire. Oh how time travels fast.

Happy summer all my beloveds. Cherish each moment, for time waits for no one. Soar! 

I thought...

http://youtu.be/1JTfpBrrd5U

Tracing the ribbon on my wrist and looking deeply into my soul. Breathe deep, for this moment will come and go before you blink.

I thought I saw you yesterday. I knew I didn't but for a moment I thought a glimpse of the person I used to know.

I feel like the me I used to know is like smoke in the air leaving behind a new creature. I feel like those i thought I knew are figments and are bearing there true stripes and those lost may be only residing in my heart. 

All to these at a dual edged sword; and filled with joy and pain. Seeing the world differently is an experience that takes a bit to settle. Almost like letting wine breathe to take on its full flavor; I'm breathing to become a better version of me.

I miss the old world, old love, tenderness and hope. Luckily they can be found anew in other places.'even if just inside my very own soul.

I hope you see me, somewhere, even if it's a figment. I want to be remembered. Like I mattered. Like i still matter. 

Beloveds, the moments are brief; breathe them in!

Dance!

http://youtu.be/lp-EO5I60KA

Life and much more love is a dance. We come together, we part, there's a beginning and quite often an end.

I like to think of it as an intermission; that I will once again be encircled by loving arms. Spun round and held close: smell their neck and feel their lips graze mine.

Beauty in love; beauty like nothing else. For it is etched in Us After each time we fall. What a beautiful thing. 

Look past the heartache, the pain, and your left with the dance:). 

Oh how I wish I had danced more; but life is nowhere near over! Many more punches on my card to fill 

Beloveds, dance today and think of me; think of lovers come and gone, and of the beauty that lies ahead!

Beauty

http://youtu.be/yipoOY56MbM

Braids and bare feet and fresh air; that's heaven to me. The laughter of children, the sprouts in the garden, feeling the grass in my toes and my fingers in the dirt. Nails painted and all!

There's so much more to me than the battle within and the day to day "jobs."

There's little moments of glory; like when I show Benny a pill bug or we chase butterflies. 

There is watching my oldest son gently show his sister how to play a game or making sure his baby brother is safe on the trampoline or on a walk.

There is watching my oldest sing songs, grow, find her inner beauty and strength. Watching her love a new life growing and loving it already, even though she may never encounter it. She's so loving (and no she nor I are pregnant lol). 

There's watching my princess dancing always, so sure of herself and never forgetting her lipstick. She is brazen and brave and sweet. Full of joy and hugs and love.

There's my 14 year old , fighting hard to find herself. Trying new things, finding her joy and learning to dance in the storm. She has a warm heart and so much love to give! 

As I see these, feel these, and search daily for new simple joys I'm able to heal. I see that those that are gone have their reasons; and they may have nothing at all to do with not loving me. I see that we are all growing always. 

I'm trying to see my own beauty; for this heart pumps pure love and light and a protectiveness to be cautious of! 

This mosaic is proof of a survivor spirit; just like my beautiful mom! 

There's more to me that the brown eyes you see; for truly they are patterned with gold and green and blue! A mosaic of feathered beauty just like my heart.

Beloveds, what makes you strong?? Where is your beauty?? Own it! ❤️

Find your smile

My kiddos woke me up early this morning after a short night of sleep due to little feet in my face;) it is easy to forget how blessed we are when the storms are raging.

Boy, I'm one lucky mom. The kids in my life (mine and the ones that visit) are so filled with happiness and it is contagious.! I hope today holds similar joys as the last few have.

As I watch my kids grow and play and explore I am reminded of how lucky I was growing up. 

My brother always made me smile, no matter what was happening. I always had an ear to listen and a fan. He and I would spend hours playing darts, playing 007, listening to music or just driving around. 

I hope my kids look back on their lives and smile about their sibling relationships.! I know I feel blessed by my sister and brother. Life wouldn't be the same without them.

Beloveds, smile!! There's so much sun....let it soak in and give you joy!

http://youtu.be/j54wXPICvV0

Faith floundering....

http://youtu.be/WdonvVZZCfI

As I'm finding my peace and my little one is too I'm finding some lessons harder than others. 

Sometimes goodbye is really that, not a see you later; rather a goodbye unless we cross paths or our worlds crumble into eachother if even then.

Healing a broken heart is such a very slow process. Not to mention that some souls like mine hold that pain close as a reminder.  Usually requiring major circumstances to let that pain seep out and blow away freely. 

I know some can just turn and walk and vanish into the horizon. I don't know how they do that! In some ways I envy them. As I reach and reach and reach for things that aren't there. 

Finding contentment and joy in the storm is a struggle right now; but I am doing it. I watch as my biggest support(s) struggle through a battle with cancer. Smiling and truly joyful; not falsely but honestly! I want to be like that. 

Not just quietly stoic, having to cleanse the pain for it to disappear. Losing faith with every day that joy is a struggle. 

Motherhood is my blessing. It brings unadulterated joy, peace and the knowledge that growth is possible. 

Oh to see the world like a child. No my jaded, not fearful, just excited to see what each second holds. I want to be more like that:)

My faith in love is floundering. I know it's out there; I know it is real. Beloveds, is your faith floundering??

Beauty in pain

http://youtu.be/rvpgxFXRZ-k

The universe is full of beauty. Even the most intense storms carry beauty in their strength. Souls carry on even after extraordinary tragedy. Some, drown in their sorrows much too early. Some run from the pain or choke it down. While others wear it deep in their eyes, if you have the courage to look.

My fragility as of late has caught be off guard. My stoic nature and firmly constructed walls have taken a toll.

I sit in the places where i felt peace, and now i feel an emptiness. My old places, so far away, are mostly gone due to the need for man to expand. 

I crave the peace of Orion. The sting of the needle. The burn of my tears as I'm being kissed with our hearts touching, souls reaching. 

I long for your laugh, your smile, your skin smelling grazing mine. Our talks of history and ifs. Now there is only silence. 

I don't want to miss you, and what's worse isn't that it is that I want you to miss me.  My beauty, as I miss yours. 

Beloveds, your beauty is inside you. Are you aching? Set it free, even if it is in the form of pain. As pain has a beauty all its own.