Dare

I

http://youtu.be/kv_HsdtL3lU

Turmoil burns my soul. My energies are jumbled. I seek answers and peace. Wholeness. 

Blessed so much even in suffering. Blessed so much I cannot explain. 

Still the questions haunt.

Anonymous, if you would, I will be at my small town local coffee haunt for my Wednesday ritual every Wednesday 6:30-8 unless I give notice. Cleanse me of my question, answer so I can rest. If not today, soon; I beg. For my soul is ill at ease.

Take it as you wish, a pleading, a dare, a simple request. 

Beloveds, are you at peace??

Aching

http://youtu.be/LCXg8CPS2vM

Busy days and sleepless nights. Missing my girls so very much. Feeling alone as I dance along this quiet life. Me and the kids.

Gaining excitement for school, but feeling the pangs of loneliness so often. Seeking to connect deeply.

Questions filling my mind. Anonymous; are you who I imagine? Will there be peace someday? Will this ache ever die? The ache of loss, betrayal, trepidation, and missing pieces of me. 

This mosaic I'm building is tempering me to be strong like steel; but so many years are shed while I'm being burned. 

Focusing deeply in the joys of each of my loves and growing myself into the best me I can be. I want to help others; without the backlash of jealousy or ungratefulness. I want my lovely dreams to be reality and the visits to be true. To be understood. To have something that's mine alone to look forward to and languish in.

Beloveds, do you ache? Am I the only one?

So much...

http://youtu.be/9EuVr5t9Sq8

What a struggle! Sick girl (all fixed up); a computer from hell, the unforeseen attack from someone unexpected; the separation from my girls (temporary but painful); and last minute plan changes that destroyed a week.

Leaving in its wake a broken woman picking up pieces alone. Struggling not to reach; reach for comfort, reach for support; for kindness. Luckily my fear of unrequited reaching keeps me at bay.

I'm going to set my tears free.... 

Beloveds, remember, release is freeing.

Breathe again... Thx Sarah for the song!

http://youtu.be/v2yPU5WPwZs

Oh anonymous how you haunt me. Who are you? Why must you come and go with no trace of who you are?! It just puts a dagger in my heart as I wonder who you could be.....

I'm moving forward a tiny step at a time. Fully committed to grad school and completing task after task there. 

Being the best mom I can. Soccer, karate, cheer, therapy, lots of love and support; with my sweet girl coming home soon! 

But as I run the race with the best intentions i still ache sometimes. Lonely. Knowing I am missing something. Feeling inadequate or unfulfilled. Knowing I'm coming up short. Trying to spread my wings and soar. 

I can't help but glance at the past. Smile, and see me happy. Desperately wanting that again. Moments of it come and go. Oh how I ache for it to return to me. 

Missing my daughter. Missing my friends. Has it really been so long on both accounts?!?! Funny how time is. I still resonate on old words and promises. Mine, others, yours. 

Breathe deep beloveds. I understand when you ache; when life is moving so fast and you are just trying to keep up. When the tears slide down your face and you don't even know why. 

Beloveds keep your pinky swears, they have no expiration dates; and know I'm here with you!

Soar

http://youtu.be/KfDr_7LN-Ew

Been a crazy free weeks as we slowly adjust to the new year. Including unexpected guests and a dr visit for Lainey. (Toe wart; all fixed up).

We are all weary; especially me. I felt a twinge in my soul, like someone I once knew was near. I'm sure the energy didn't lie. But I probably wont know who it was or how nearly we missed eachother.

Remembering to soar as I move along. Even on days i feel discouraged or lonely. I am blessed; I must never forget that. As I am fearful I must remember I can do this! I'm a fighter:)a survivor. 

Beloveds, are you soaring??

Oozing!

http://youtu.be/F2yL__ciZ9E

(Ok so the video has twilight video lol) enjoy the tween wonderful mess.

It's amazing how far from an incident we can come and yet the pain burbles under the surface. Abuse, rape, betrayal, or deception. Even our own transgressions may haunt us. A thorn in our side.

I am far from flawless; but I'm aching and angry tonight from years of different kinds of pain. I can't run from it and it is one of those wounds in the mosaic that seems to ooze occasionally. 

Joy of the present overtaken by the pain or losses of the past. Many forgiven but not forgotten on my part and others. Bleed for it all, I do. Thank goodness for long runs, tattoo needles and happy memories and moments. 

Beloveds, are there oozing wounds you are bandaging??

Stay the same

http://youtu.be/xunRwhBvOA4

My favorite treat in hand, music in my ears and a book to fill the time. I wish you were here. I'm aching for a smile, a laugh where you throw your head back just a little. The soft touch of kindness on the tips of fingers. 

You haven't been here. I'm guessing in a very long time. I not only mean the place but me. Do your thoughts drift; or do our dreams meet? I felt like a visit occurred not long ago. 

It's silly really. How long a soul can hold onto someone. Long after they have changed or left. Frozen in time.

It is similar when children grow. If it has been a large gap in time since you have seen them the growth and change is shocking!:) seeing the first day of school pics has been amazing in this way. 

I feel like yesterday I was in school. Irony that I'm about to embark yet again into school! Simmons here i come. 

So as things change I guess I stay the same. ha!! City brew in my little town ;)