Another one...

http://youtu.be/lp-EO5I60KA

How'd you forget about me? How can you not remember the little things. What I love, makes me laugh, makes me feel like you're here.

It's foreign to me. The fact that I can't do that. Like I hold my breath for that great amazing love moment. That kiss in the rain. The dance that changes everything. The gift that makes my soul sing because it is so truly emotionally charged and perfect based on who I am to you.

Maybe I just want too much. I never fought. Yet, desperately that's what I need. To be rescued, fought for, passionately pursued. Remembered. 

Beloveds, how does one forget all these dreams? Forget the past. Walk away and never look back? It isn't in my makeup.

Soar beloveds. 

A little more time .....

http://youtu.be/4bzIpYiPUUo

How do you just walk away? Silence forever. Do you live with no regrets with that decision? Or do you wonder where I am? 

How do you keep hurting me so callously?!  How am I so invisible? Or am I a rarity? Capable of deep searing long lasting love. To the point of it breaking me?

I worry I am alone. That these fears are true. That love is not for me. That I have left little to no impact on those I love dearly. Scraping together the breaths, taking each day at a time. Feeling a fool for letting old wounds sting. For still caring. 

I miss my family. Friends that I can just look at and they get me. Feels like a lifetime has passed since I existed.  

I will read sonnets, dream and hope. And I will be sitting in that parking spot feb 10: why? I don't know, just to remember what it felt like to say good bye I guess. 

Someone find me and all those little shards of me that I'm gathering together as I slowly lose things I love. 

Beloveds, I am weary from loss and deeply need hope. 

 Blessings.

crashes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD17tXW7XVQ


Wow, so many words and so many very hard things coming down the pike.  Is that even the saying?? haha. Anyways, I was speaking with someone how grief goes in waves.  Boy is that the truth! I am slowly losing a very important woman to me.  She is my gramma, even if not by blood.  As, i read the texts from my mom regarding her decline my eyes fill with tears.  I want to be there. I want to be with my brothers and Angie.  I have this stupid plane ticket.  It could take me anywhere and I am here.

Since it is pending expiration. I guess I will have to use it.  Do I go to Portland and memorialize its anniversary.  Do I go and comfort the grieving even though they have not asked?

Tis neither here nor there at this point, as I have no ideas as to what to do.

What I do know is that the waves of loss and grief keep washing over me.  Betrayals new and old haunt this hippie soul as I tread forward trying to find out what is real and what has been a fairy tale all this time.

I just wish the waves would stop crashing over and over.  One grief trickles away just for the next wave of pain to break on the beach of my heart; then the old pain takes another turn.

Smile beloveds, as life is fleeting.  Take peace in the moments where the waves don't crash.

Pieces

http://youtu.be/k4FoeVEa41k

Push and pull. I release and yet it clings to my very soul. I make new connections,build myself but a chunk of me is missing. 

Like a robot going through the motions. I connect but something is missing. Maybe have given away more of me over the years than I have been given back. 

How do you hold back, keep distance, maybe never ached at all. But tears in your eyes told me different. The catch in your breath said you loved me. Your promise wasn't to appease me; that's not who you are and you know the pain it would cause if not heartfelt. 

Breathe me. Find me. Pieces come back or someone give me theirs. 

Namaste all. I'm breathing deep, seeing closed what wounds I can. :) 

Keep dancing on the journey

http://youtu.be/hQpU25pmlVU

Laugh with me. Make the tears stop that live just beneath the surface. I keep reaching. Stupid girl. Sadly I believe some things can be reclaimed. Say, do, look the right way and the world will stop spinning and life will be different. Fill the void with school, wine (sometimes I pick the white just to reminisce), working out, staying busy. 

Nothing seems to temper the ache of missing things that were there,or you thought were there.

I always wanted, dreamt really, if someone fighting for me. Falling madly in love. The true affection taking over their soul so richly they cannot stay away. 

Maybe that dream isn't for me. I cannot help but hope, fight for the dreams I have and have discovered along this journey.

So tiny breath by breath I learn to use the ache as a beat to dance to; I use the ache to build beauty and understand the pain of others. 

Never is forever my friends. Blessings, soar for me. And never forget your pinky swears. I never will.

Deep peaceful breath.:::

http://youtu.be/6vj01QgJ9pk

I sit back and smile. I take a deep breath and feel it. It is either the closing of a chapter; I have passed mourning. Or it's a rejuvenation of a connection once strong and driving. Or maybe an odd combination of both. Regardless, I feel peace. 

Once in a while, the peace slides down my face. What an odd feeling. Maybe my pieces have been returned or the stitches are finally doing their job. Calmness in the unknown. Bizarre!

Maybe the exhaustion has taken over after a day of magic but it feels deeper than that, more finite. Maybe the collection of a gift was all I needed to find solace. Maybe it is just good and that is ok with me. 

Cherishing the amazing energy surrounding me at his very moment. Thankful for the time with family, time to learn, grow and just be. Few more hours of sun then back to snow, my cozy home and my beloved framily (friend family) and pets!

Thank you beloveds, for loving me!

The burn

http://youtu.be/o_ez1-zIUR8

Feeling it today. The burn. Burn of loss of the aftermath of fire. The pain that comes with goodbye, with betrayal with unmet expectations and heartaches. Of the world changing before my eyes while I stand still. Paralyzed. Living a life like I'm watching it happen

My kids are growing at light speed. 3,5,8 and 16! Feels like I was just 16! Years pass faster and faster.

A year ago I was driving Montana roads to give my daughter a visit with her dad. Stopping in Livingston on my way back. Funny how something can be glaring remembered while others fade away effortlessly. 

A year later we are packing up for a Disney adventure. Still crying empty tears over time lost and things found.

 A full fledged grad student. Reaching for my dreams. Ones I would never have pursued without the belief in me i have found through those I have encountered.

Playing games in my head. Determining what is real, what is a game, what was there or not really ever there at all. Kicking myself for getting stuck in this place. 

Reaching hard for all the dreams I have. Yet feeing never enough to meet the standards. Standards to make them proud, to make me lovable, to be beautiful inside and outside. So my heart is constantly in a state of unrest. 

Weary. Beyond words. Betrayed, broken, promised, believed in. 

Feeling like a stupid girl; like nothing is real. Like a watcher. Toughen up, you have to fight. Search, reach grow. 

http://youtu.be/Tg5zqFZ_Dj8

Now to define me. Without you. Were you able to do that? Or was that never a battle? Or are the tapestries woven too tight?? I don't know anymore.

http://youtu.be/KqzlYTmFBGY

Sonnets romance my eyes no more. Rather I feel like poor William, feeling sleepless and longing. Praying for rest as he feels lost. 

I have to fight, fight and fight. Too many years, too many unwilling to fight for me when I cannot.  

http://youtu.be/Gj-webKdFr8

So, here I am. The same broken girl searching for love. Searching for you. Searching for me really. When I get it right you'll know. I will know. It will be a victory of longevity not a scene from a brief time of joy. It'll be for the long hall. 

No more missed connections, or what ifs. It will be real, true and the pain will dissipate. I hold my tiny hope in my little hands. I wear it like a ring, a sign of permanent faith. Faith it will all heal. That love and joy will be no longer a ruse or fleeting. 

Join me, beloveds.