Soaring...

https://youtu.be/84pRga_47ws

So it’s been 1 million years since I put my heart on paper. But I think it’s time to regain my voice. My throat chakra is wide open as I’ve been fighting for you using my words not only for me but for others. I began a journey three years ago that I have no idea how it would end. Maybe it was four, sometimes Iose track of time. 

Someone said to me once that I should soar. Little do they know that now I got a pair of fairy wings of freedom covering most of my back as a sign of doing just that, soaring. I’m in the last moments of my graduate program, something I never thought I would do, much less be successful at, yet here I am. It is been a long journey full of broken hearts, many plane trips, battles against my body and betrayal beyond belief.

I’ve made family through this journet from all parts of the country, and what a blessing they are. As I begin to build my tribe of fearless wonderful women the tears burn my eyes as this leg of the journey comes to An end.

 I sadly have never been good change. I lived in the same house for most of my childhood and my parents sold and shattered my soul. Now I don’t really know what to call home. Is it the place where I raise my children; is it a set of arms that feels like they’ve been holding you forever; does it live in your heart alone?

As not only this journey comes to An end, the finality of my divorce is quickly upon me. 15 years and somethings just never change. I fought the good fight but sometimes that’s not enough. It seems as if I lose more when it comes to love then what I gain. However, I had the bliss of being a first love, last love, sharing first kiss, a goodbye kiss, being a best friend, a girlfriend or a wife a mother and all the wonderful things that a woman can be. But now it’s time for me to be me, a sweet little Fae. 

There’s no more battles to wage or chasing to be done. now it’s emBarking on my own journey to find this new person that’s going to come out of this blissful yet bittersweet experience. Do I go back home? Build a life here? Or find an entirely new place to put down my roots? I never knew how strong I would have to be, But my mother once told me “never have I met someone who has gone through as much is you, and I don’t know why, but you have done it with grace.” 

So as I stretch my wings and I fly off into this new world, kind of like my daughter as she left the nest earlier this year :-) I get to search for what is me with the freedom to know that the only mark  I have to meet is my own.

I fly to Boston soon, something I’ve always wanted to do.  While I am there I will sing I will dance I will hug my friends I will get new ink bearing the symbol of the tree of life and I will embrace this new life that is calling me.

I filled my dream graduating from East Coast college, one that I’ve had since I was nine years old and living in New Paltz. I made my family proud and I hope I set an excellent example for my children that regardless of the obstacles you can overcome. But my heart still aches, my hands still shake and my body still aches and pains from being broken at the hands of another human. I can feel the strength flowing through my feet and weave  to my core wrapping tightly around my heart as I ground myself and prepare to grow.

So to all of you, my beloveds. Thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for encouraging me to grow, thank you for loving me even if you had to go. I hate it when things rhyme but it’s just the way it is. Someday I hope to cross paths with you to tell you how I’m soaring, my fear that you will never know even though you were there at the beginning. I reconnected with friends and lovers new and old and lost some along the way. Pray that during this journey I have just smoothed the edges and not lost what is at the core of my soul. I still long to look like love and find my forever. I have faith that whatever is brought to me I will conquer in my own gentle way and someday find someone with which I can grow old.

So to all my tribe, my secret fans, and those who have been with me for forever and a day thank you for loving me just as I am a sweet barefoot little Fae

Picture

I stopped taking pictures 

They seem to jinx the moment 

Like if there is a moment The moment is doomed to be the last 

Even a simple photo of me...makes it doomed to be tossed away.

I think I’ve learned an important lesson

Similar to many indigenous beliefs 

That pictures steal the soul

In my case, not the soul but the flame

Most I just keep in my head, in my heart

That is enough for me

Strange lesson to learn, share less 

Tuck away more, keep your magic hidden away until the right time

For magic isn’t for everyone

And either am 

And that is the trouble with magic

But That is alright with me !

https://youtu.be/8vALk08nmyU

Anymore...

https://youtu.be/KYErtK1wbjs

Thanks less than Jake! I'd almost forgotten about this song :)

Jenn... she doesn't like you anymore

She's tired of the names, the put downs, taking a backseat to anything and everything.

Jenn... she's going to smile, laugh, ride the ferries wheel and kiss in the snow 

Jenn.....someone is going to laugh at her jokes, enjoy her cold toes and steal all her kisses

Jenn.. isn't all the things you call her, or that you've taught your soul to believe or chanted to those you've fooled 

Jenn... she's going on, moving on, getting strong...even stronger than before...

Jenn.... she doesn't like you anymore because she likes herself! She hasn't bought into your insecurity fueled propaganda 

Jenn....she's magic, Fae magic and she's flying away with a smile on her face and a warrior in her heart flying on watercolor wings of hope 

Now I know why

I know why she did it

Why she drank to feel numb 

The burn was nothing compared to the ache of non-existence 

The knowledge she was always second, a backup, or maybe even just an afterthough 

I know why she did it 

Why she scarred her skin

The blood was better than the tears since no one could see them

I don't know how she did it 

Stayed alive when she was fading away

Loved fiercely when nothing worked out right

Believes when there's nothing left; smiles while the waves begin to cover her face and her heart slows as it stops believing in love. Even though she desperately wants to.

Learning her worth one heartbreak at a time. Learning to be strong when there's no strong left.

I know why he fell, softly into a secret lover's embrace. The coldness of his existence was too brutal to take. So he finds solace in a strangers arms.

Love is funny: it heals, it destroys, it gives us hope or leaves us as Ice.

https://youtu.be/0OBMVgkGDjo

Oh if only

If only the words that pour from our lips were filled with love 

Instead they are poisened with fear, judgment and the heaviness of past hurts 

The Ignorant man refuses to move

Where the wise sits back and listens taking it all in to build the full body of art (per say)

Fear of pain drives us to sabotage amazing possibilities 

Love frees us to thrive in them, all the walls crumble and beauty can remain.

Arrogance can blot out the strongest fire. So be careful of what you comment on, for you only have a piece of the story. 

Vulnerability is terrifying. Are you strong enough to offer it? The gamble is worth the payoff 

https://youtu.be/6esq-JfP3Ww

Was I wrong?

https://youtu.be/VQiofgco6K4

Was I wrong to believe your smile or those words that slide down like tequila with a burn at the end? Was I more than just a body or a space to kill the time, a shot to ease the pain. Another gap filler another right one for now.

I am learning lessons fast. Like that I oft choose naivety to being savvy, purely to feel the joy that the way people now operate often sucks out. Not because I'm stupid but because I'm beautifully hopeful.

My scars and cracks and trickles of tears are what make me rare; i glisten as I break and become someone new.

Funny the words we let trickle out when we least expect them, regularly misplaced or ill timed or fallacy all together.

Strengthen your wings sweet fairy as you learn to fly. Don't let the scars keep you from taking worthy risks. For we all fall sometimes.... and more often than not there's no one there but our soft raw hearts to catch us as we fall. 

Some scars are forever, some heal quickly. Either way, the soaring is worth the descent. Whether the flight be long or short, the journey is worth it. 

So cry little fairy, soar, and risk the scars....it's time to spread your wings.

House of cards....

https://youtu.be/Ug2Ki8hpxcI

"You've been with older men? Then you know that they'll hurt you and then They'll discard you."..:. House of Cards

Well well this Hit home. You see, I once

Knew an older man, destroyed me when he discarded me. However, so have others my age and even slightly younger.

You see, I don't think it is the age; rather the intent. Is it to pursue something real and containing longevity? Or simply a fling separate from affection. Or lastly, did somewhere they get lost and their focus landed strictly upon themselves 

I'm constantly battling my soft hippie heart , but now it doesn't know up from down. What's real what's not. Praying and talking with Orion regarding the intense damage one last blow might do to the leftover pieces of my heart. 

Offering my purest kindness and truest version of me, risking being broken quite possibly the last time.

Oh restless heart. Breathe in peace lovely Fae. This change in tides is scary and horrible but in someways stunning and beautiful. 

Trembling hands and a quaking voice. Tears over kind deeds; tears over losses never to be remedied.

One more closing door may be the last. Please don't let me be broken yet again. Keep me safe as I heal, ward off the pain. My life is teetering, held together like a house of cards.