Changling

https://youtu.be/tG19gKhEOa4

So many years come and gone since I put that wedding ring on.... thought it meant something; it did. It meant pain, abandonment, lies and double standards.

As i pressed on to be a prov 31 wife he oggled images on the screen instead of feeding me. I was starving. Soon I love you turned into I don’t know if I do, to finally I surely don’t.

I screamed warnings silently that I was so empty. But these pleas fell on deaf ears and I lost my grip....I fell. I broke people and things. And I’m the only one held accountable. No apology or change big enough to cover my sins as others simple make excuses for theirs. What is one when pitted against a million. Soon the million mean nothing as they have become the perpetrators norm. And slowly you drown.

The rules change, rearrange until nothing is right and everything is wrong. And I went from starving to hollow. Praying to be hung from the gallows. 

No accomplishment nor greatness nor beauty nor effort starry the path. Rather they tighten the fist as if the better me I create the more I’m hated. Until that fist it turned to screaming words, frantic lunacy and once loving hands becoming weapons. 

Now what? I still shake and stutter and cry cuz my body aches and my hope is crumpled. I have watched what I loved die. My mother, my protector, my friend and partner. Just to know I’m forgotten. No rose for me.

I watch my tiny fae’s flit and play and laugh and cry. Oh how it hurts to see them cry and know that there as nothing I can do to change it. I’ve done it all, but they were meaningless tasks for they were merely spiteful challenges to see me squirm on a hook.

I look at the sharp edges of that diamond ring. It speaks nothing of love but rather sharp like glass; as if it would puncture my skin so I bleed out if I moved or touched it just wrong. How did something so beautiful turn into something so dangerous?

So the journey begins. Weeks away until I am a Changling. No longer chosen, no longer a wife, no longer the keeper of forever. Rather a gypsy searching for Home for me and the little faes. Stay, go, nothing really matters as none of it will ever be the same again. 

Remembering what solutions are not options. There is no bleeding the poison from this wound. Rather it takes up residence in my secret place. That place i used to let people see, now it’s just for me. 

No pain, sadness, or change of path can thwart my loving soul. For now it is mine alone. For those who said they’d come fight for me never did, and some just can’t cross all the miles.

So beloveds, take adventures to make your soul light and release all those glass shards. Explore new places, lay in puddles in the middle of the night in the city, kiss in doorways or under Street lights or in the pouring rain. For these kind of memories are far and few.

Soar!

Soaring...

https://youtu.be/84pRga_47ws

So it’s been 1 million years since I put my heart on paper. But I think it’s time to regain my voice. My throat chakra is wide open as I’ve been fighting for you using my words not only for me but for others. I began a journey three years ago that I have no idea how it would end. Maybe it was four, sometimes Iose track of time. 

Someone said to me once that I should soar. Little do they know that now I got a pair of fairy wings of freedom covering most of my back as a sign of doing just that, soaring. I’m in the last moments of my graduate program, something I never thought I would do, much less be successful at, yet here I am. It is been a long journey full of broken hearts, many plane trips, battles against my body and betrayal beyond belief.

I’ve made family through this journet from all parts of the country, and what a blessing they are. As I begin to build my tribe of fearless wonderful women the tears burn my eyes as this leg of the journey comes to An end.

 I sadly have never been good change. I lived in the same house for most of my childhood and my parents sold and shattered my soul. Now I don’t really know what to call home. Is it the place where I raise my children; is it a set of arms that feels like they’ve been holding you forever; does it live in your heart alone?

As not only this journey comes to An end, the finality of my divorce is quickly upon me. 15 years and somethings just never change. I fought the good fight but sometimes that’s not enough. It seems as if I lose more when it comes to love then what I gain. However, I had the bliss of being a first love, last love, sharing first kiss, a goodbye kiss, being a best friend, a girlfriend or a wife a mother and all the wonderful things that a woman can be. But now it’s time for me to be me, a sweet little Fae. 

There’s no more battles to wage or chasing to be done. now it’s emBarking on my own journey to find this new person that’s going to come out of this blissful yet bittersweet experience. Do I go back home? Build a life here? Or find an entirely new place to put down my roots? I never knew how strong I would have to be, But my mother once told me “never have I met someone who has gone through as much is you, and I don’t know why, but you have done it with grace.” 

So as I stretch my wings and I fly off into this new world, kind of like my daughter as she left the nest earlier this year :-) I get to search for what is me with the freedom to know that the only mark  I have to meet is my own.

I fly to Boston soon, something I’ve always wanted to do.  While I am there I will sing I will dance I will hug my friends I will get new ink bearing the symbol of the tree of life and I will embrace this new life that is calling me.

I filled my dream graduating from East Coast college, one that I’ve had since I was nine years old and living in New Paltz. I made my family proud and I hope I set an excellent example for my children that regardless of the obstacles you can overcome. But my heart still aches, my hands still shake and my body still aches and pains from being broken at the hands of another human. I can feel the strength flowing through my feet and weave  to my core wrapping tightly around my heart as I ground myself and prepare to grow.

So to all of you, my beloveds. Thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for encouraging me to grow, thank you for loving me even if you had to go. I hate it when things rhyme but it’s just the way it is. Someday I hope to cross paths with you to tell you how I’m soaring, my fear that you will never know even though you were there at the beginning. I reconnected with friends and lovers new and old and lost some along the way. Pray that during this journey I have just smoothed the edges and not lost what is at the core of my soul. I still long to look like love and find my forever. I have faith that whatever is brought to me I will conquer in my own gentle way and someday find someone with which I can grow old.

So to all my tribe, my secret fans, and those who have been with me for forever and a day thank you for loving me just as I am a sweet barefoot little Fae