I’ve got questions

As all The planets realign and nothing is in retrograde I am left wondering why there are such chaos in my world. This has been a week full of memories. People, recollections, reminiscing and journeying forward. I feel like I blinked and 10 years was over. My happily ever after fell apart. I restarted and restarted again I still feel like 40 years old and cannot reconcile the fact that I am truly the adult in the hierarchy. My kids are no longer small, I’m no longer tied down but I’m like a caged bird that sings. Stuck in the middle filled with What Ifs, content with what is, and wondering why no one comes for me like they claim they will. I no longer settle, I no longer beg , and I found peace in this solitude. I’m thriving not surviving but I wonder if I can ever find peace within another again or if I am intended to travel this journey alone. I find the joy in every day and continue to work to soar. I realize that I have control of my life in my future girl inside of me is still waiting for rocks at her window or that night in shining armor even though I saved myself long ago. So, where are you now? What rings  in my head is forever means nothing until a week like this happenew where all those Somedays and forevers find their way back into my mind or on the other end of the line. I backed that up with if I’m too much you can go find less juxtaposed against I hope someone sees the mighty warrior heart beating within me and how far I’ve come and wants to take my hand and join my journey.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4keoy2fqgwGnbWlm3ZVZFa?si=xeIWJ39-RIWYuhB2PCqk3Q&context=spotify%3Aplaylist%3A0VXCvGXEICwXsZYrhe1xcq

Dandelions

ndelions 

When I was but a little girl I always knew my birth mom existed and I loved her. It didn’t come out until many years later that I loved her for so many reasons. Heritage, selflessness, fierce love, and accepting me right where I was no matter what.

When I was little I left dandelions at the park in anaconda as tribute. I always thought somehow she would find them and know they were from me.

The day I said goodbye there was not a rose left for me. While this stung I had a unique opportunity. I grabbed a handful of dandelions and said my goodbyes. Something special and unique and just from me. A special bond between me and she.

My kids still hand me dandelions as a sing of their love for me. Precious moments that are less and less as they grow up. Replaced by pictures and other amazing creations.

Back to the dandelions. As we all know, dandelions once they bloom they go to seed and blow away. The sad reality is this is a constant in our lives. We will have friendships, family and even love that lives out their days and then one day they just blow away.

Too many things and people have been blown away in my lifetime. Hence I often clutch my love tight like a child with their handful of dandelions. I’m even afraid to give them and my love away for fear it’ll just one day blow away. 

I’m sure I’ve been the dandelion to someone out there. Whom I’m not sure as I hold so many of you dearly. As I lay here and watch my sweet kids sleep and realize the nights of good night Cuddles will soon blow away and be replaced by kisses and tuck ins. I cling to this little bundle of dandelion love,especially when we get this extra time together.

To those who have blown away to the wind: my love for you didn’t drift away. It’s invisible but still held tightly in my small palm. If you Te clutching my simple gift of love please don’t stay silent. Or if you simply blew away I hope you soar. And maybe you’ll blow back my way so I can see it first hand 

Full moon

It’s December 12 the last full moon of the decade. It’s up and at its fullest at 12:12. This moon is supposed to bring on a new era, healing, cleansing. What it seems it brought me is perspective and retrospect and the opening up Pandora’s box that I have kept locked shut for a long time.

I spent most of the last decade in a very different life than I live now, a lot of things hidden for me some of them in plain sight. The last year of the decade has been spent redefining myself, my life, and trying to find joy. Sadly, that search for joy seems to have caused others pain. Whether that be friends or family or strangers even. 

I looked back on my memories and saw that my sweet little boy was not just sick today but it been sick in years past on this day I have gotten the chance to hold him while he’s hurting but then had to graciously let him go to his other home and it broke my heart because I want to be the one to wipe away his tears and hold him through his fevers. But I didn’t realize was that during this decade there of been people that have wanted to wipe away my tears or help me heal the wounds that I have either pushed away, not allowed, ordered was completely blind to the depths of their intentions.

This full moon sets for the new beginning. There’s no more “soaring“ as that season has passed in every way. Now is a season of putting down roots, tightening the sutures, and no longer seeing the bruises. It is a time for new life, new happiness, new heart aches, and hopefully not the loss of my fairy like joy and warrior like strength.

This new era needs to lead to forgiveness. Me forgiving those that I have tucked away the pain in my heart. Forgiveness asked for those that I have hurt selfishly, unintentionally, blindly, or due to my own lack of ability to face my demons.

May this next season of moons bring a softer kinder me. One with empathy, patience, and the ability to take down my armor and put down my face so that I can hear what’s being said without feeling I’m at war.

Blessings beloveds. May this Moon bring you healing, joy, forgive us and the ability to begin again. I know I’ve said this a lot but I am trying. Period. I’m trying to begin again, be a better me, and not repeat my mistakes.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=viimfQi_pUw&feature=share

Where are you now?

Once you said if I ended up alone you’d come. You’d come “fight for me” and I believed you....where are you?
That was a lifetime ago; you still cross my mind.
Sometimes I see you in other people.
A wrinkle by the ear, a confident smile, or a sadness in their eyes.
Sometimes I hear you. It can be a turn of phrase, the name of a kombucha, a head back laugh, or the lyrics of a song.
Irony lays at my feet as my situation solidified in, of all places, Portland. The destination of that trip we never got to take.
Soaring nonetheless, but missing my matching crow on the end of my piece of yarn.
I’ve sent smoke signals, a quiet gift, a postcard, and even the dreaded vm.
All replied with silence; silence, my beloveds, can be an answer in itself.
Orion watches over me as I dance through unknown steps, to a song I’ve never heard.
Where are you now?
 Am I asking this question of you or of myself. Where am I now?



https://youtu.be/EAHRurZfmHo



Somewhere in the middle

Feeling a little bit lost. Divorce is like being thrown off a cliff. Leaving you finding yourself left somewhere in the middle. You don’t belong. You have to learn how to be good with you, be good in your own skin. Even if you’ve never felt that way. You have a Chance to find this new you. But, you also belong to someone and no one all at the same time. You are learning to exist in a world made for two. And searching for your number two is a chaotic and strange endeavor. Again for a moment you “belong” to someone. Some people don’t struggle with this, I am. Being partnered for a over a decade this new world of come and go people or knowing every day you will wake up alone isn’t what I foresaw. Often times the independence post abuse is like flying. Others it is like a silent scream. You truly just have you to count on. Nothing has any promise of longevity or is without dangerous risk when it involves investing your emotions. I don’t think I was, or will ever be, cut out for weekends without my kids, or be cut out for heartache. I don’t want to live in the in between. Guess I better figure this independent thing out.

https://youtu.be/1h3sm5Bgyvs

Beautiful love

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/heart-of-somebody/1202338849?i=1202339292

This new journey is not a easy one. Seems the rules keep changing, the target is always moving. The consistency of falling in love is truly not a finite thing. It can vanish in a moment, and have nothing at all to do with you but with the wounds of another.

An endless game of hide and seek. Of sharing wounds, hopes and vulnerability to begin again with little to no warning. This could jade a gentle soul like mine.

Instead, I make an active choice. A choice to understand, to allow myself the space to question, fight, wAit or just be my loving self and see how the dice land. No need for self doubt or to react in a way that hurts another. 

Do I want that love I’ve been missing? Absolutely! Is it worth the wait? Unequivocally! The ebb and flow of vulnerability and the choice to give myself to another need not be drowned by tears but rather embrace each chance I get to love another human right where they are, no expectations outside of honesty. 

This I claim as part of my ethereal beauty. Sweet Fae heart, do not let this world make you hard or take away your beautiful ability to keep loving, caring and pouring out yourself. Maybe not today but one day it will flow back to you in a wild and beautiful fashion sweeping you away in ways I cannot yet imagine. 

I could let this journey break me. Cause me to hide those beautiful broken places away. Become hard or silent. I choose the way of the lotus, beauty through tribulations. Bringing my special and rare beautiful love to the table each and every day.

What does your journey hold beloveds? Has your vulnerability terrified you? Scared off other  loving souls? That’s ok! Better to love hard than to miss all the amazing opportunities in your path. When that person comes, and chooses me each day this journey, tears and all, will be worth it! For us both. Whoever you are ❤️

 I can’t believe I only  wrote twice last year. It was such a year full of tragedy and resolution and even trappings of joy. My body was broken by someone supposed to love me, my home became a Destiination not meant for me. My mother was taken from me by the brutal hands of it and caring soul. I earned my wings and follow my dream and made family out of friends from everywhere From Alaska to Africa and everywhere in between. I went to speakeasy’s, and rap battles, and kissed in the rain and laid in the middle of the street in downtown Boston. I packed up my precious things and took my little people to a new world full of snow to touch the hearts of adolescents which I never thought I do, you know?!  I had my heart smashed, tricks, owned, and loved. I gave up the dreams I thought I had just to dig them back up. I hiked, swam, slept alone, and didn’t! 

I snuggled like a backpack, held like a lover, had people become ghosts. I tried whiskey ha! Started a new life, a new career, family and friends! I’ve walked all over cities, towns, mountains and explored the beauty around me. I’ve seen ugly become beautiful and everything in between. Breaking hearts and having my heart broken. Picking myself up and handling it! I threw dandelions on my mama’s grave since my Rose was forgotten..... taken too soon and right after Mother’s Day. Braving the world as a warrior princess partnering with my tribe as we all get through. Meeting my ancestores and being given the matriarchial crown during a very intense body talk session. Watching my children grow up little by little and fighting against all that is adulthood and clinging to childhood, such a bittersweet time. Creating and building a home in a building filled with so much history yet the energy here is not sticky but soothing instead. Forehead kisses, lying tongues and forging a future on my own terms. In three days is what was my anniversary.... and I am at a place where I have nothing to mourn. I’m healed physically, strong mentally, and blossoming emotionally as I open my heart to new adventures, possibilities and love. 

Beloveds, my wild ride has hit a beautiful peaceful and quiet place of strength, joy and safety wrapped in quiet surrender of the protection of another’s embrace. May my nights be filled with simple dreams, my nightmares silenced and my wings spread wide to take flight landing on new runways as I explore the world I feared I’d never see. 

https://youtu.be/ZAfAud_M_mg