Sometimes there are words that stir up bile and your mouth when you read them or hear them through your already aching soul. Sometimes we don't know how to heal, not without someone willing to hold us through the pain to see us through to the end when we are once again hole. All these years quietly suffering as my heart breaks 1 million times and the words "you aren't enough"pound between my ears. Words cannot describe the pain of knowing you were never really enough. Sometimes it's alcohol, drugs, work, money, or porn. Nonetheless, eventually priority show through. Are they on this earth to serve themselves, or maybe to love you. I realize that most often this comes from damage done, or sins of the father. But systematically breaking another human is unconscionable to me. I wonder, will you even miss me when I'm gone. Where will I be just another throwaway girl, a click of the mouse, someone that was to be sheltered and protected and cherished by rather put to the side like an old piece of art. Did my willingness to love you, to serve, and to bare my soul mean nothing? Does my passion for things unknown to you scare you so you mock them? Today brought up things I try and push down, try and forget they happened or are still happening. The pain just overflows sometimes leaks down my face. The memories of a fragile fairy offering her wings to those he loves just to have them torn apart and tossed aside. Being seen from a different angle today has made me raw, a little angry, sad, and very very present in the reality in which I exist. The rare and counter of someone who sees past the façade, past the laughter past the intellectual musings to see the woman quivering inside. Oh, to live a life not waiting for the other shoe to drop, not waiting for the pain to worsen but rather the contentment knowing that some wonderful things don't have to change. I will no longer be a lamb just awaiting the wolf to devour me and my Magic. Today I choose me, today I choose to show my children that I value me. So that they can grow with the example that they don't have to suffer in order to love.
