Wondering

http://youtu.be/TUkL3nXVZXk

Seasons change, people change, the world keeps spinning. We build things just to watch them tumble down around us.

I'm growing, wrapping up my first year of grad school. Feeling strong. My business is growing, and I may have a cool top secret opportunity:) waiting to hear.

I'm fighting for my loves and I feel strong. I'm learning to love. To love me, and to love others again.  

The grief cycle is long and wild and I don't know if I will ever be the same. That is ok with me. I will use it to grow, to help others through. 

But I wonder, how does one forget those they love? So many seem to, that just isn't me. 

A pang here and there. A giggle of a memory of long walks along the river,rocks at my window, kisses that took my breath. A song that makes me thing of you, a high school dance or just a moment in time. You have changed me along the way. I wonder, have I changed you? 

Beloveds, how do you see me❤️

Truth

http://youtu.be/FSoyyzki2X4

Every day I grow a little. My musings change and grow and the hurt lessons. The burdens lessen, or at very least they change. New battles to fight and hills

To climb.

The nightmares still rock my sleep. Tears still burn my eyes and i still reminisce of days come and gone. 

I still feel the sting of only knowing a sliver of your identity, of mine. I'm sometimes surprised of the journey I am on and the choices I have made along the way.

Sometimes I don't feel like I even know myself.  One thing I know is I bleed. I bleed inside for those I have hurt, for that I have lost, for those I miss as they are so far away (here on earth or in the heavens).

Just breathe fairy. Your hippie soul aches as it grows and learns how to move on. How to embrace each moment for the truth in it; that moment may never return. So cherish it.

A year. Wow what a year. Tragedy, growth, love, loss, pain, joy and tears of every kind.

Truth. That is what I seek. Beloveds, I learn from you. 

http://youtu.be/FiyXZhhqWqc

Hidden

http://youtu.be/AtFWFlntLZY

Amazing to me how we see what we want to. Especially in others. All too often we look past their pain, their ache. Mostly because it is hidden or we don't know how to see it. 

Really though we are often to focused on our own "stuff."  We are too caught up in what we are thinking about, feeling, or trying to get through. Sometimes, that's totally ok! Everyone is just doing the best they can each and every day. It is an unintentional oversight.

Some, however, cannot help but feel the pain of those around them. A blessing and a curse. They often have to bury not only their pain, but the pain they feel off of others. Learning to ground and keep that at bay; what a difficult task. One I'm learning to do.

Still learning to ease my own ache. People aren't always as they seem, I'm learning that who I see isn't always who they are on the inside. 

Yet, this soft hippie heart loves just the same.

Beloveds, do not let the hurts make you hard 😘 

New era

As we embrace our talents, or others shine a light on them, we also see our shortcomings.
I have this week been called brave, not a word I ever considered myself to emulate. The woman was right, I am brave. I fight for my beliefs, for my kids, for love, for each and every day.  I have fought out of abuse, out of poverty, and out of heartbreak.

As all my fractures in my soul heal and I find myself more each day, I am learning to love the me again, not based on the admiration of others, but a genuine belief that I am "one of the good ones."  The world is full of hateful people, I am not one of them.

I am loving the sun, the outside, and watching my kids grow so fast.  That is bittersweet, but I absolutely love it.

Back to where I was.  I have spent a lot of my life feeling like the runner up.  Being the fallback girl for a few fellas over the years.  Oh how I still love them dearly, and hold no grudge as they were never anything but kind to me.

Now, I battle the unknown competitors.  Or have been bypassed for the right reasons.  I used to play what if games and wonder where people are.  I have committed to stop.  They have left my universe for a reason and moving forward is what I must do.  Healing is a struggle and a wonderful thing all at once.  If the universe brings people back to me, then so be it.

I am embracing me.  Love me, don't. That is not within my control.  What I do know is that I am worthy of love, devotion and admiration.  I am strong, wild, driven, kind and soft.

Beloveds, embrace all your growth, the good, the bad, the history, and the future.  For now is a time of change.  A time to leave the past behind, heal and move into a new and vibrant era!

I'm her

http://youtu.be/UumRkksN-LE

Wow! Amazing strides in a year. From my first jog to a pretty damn successful 10k. I beat all my goals and then some.

What a blessed experience I shared with my friend. As I overcome so many hurdles through this life tears leaked out as I ran. I saw something today. Something rich in me.

This song is me, at least today. I have these traits she sings about. I am worthy of love. Of being first choice. And I can accomplish anything I put my heart into.

Bless you all for helping me see these things in me.

Namaste!

Forgot about me

Not sure what's worse. That I lost you or that I lost myself. My soul quakes as i find me. The good, the beautiful, the ordinary and the ugly.

Owning my choices. Learning to love me enough to feed my soul. Crying the tears held in for way too long.

Did you seriously forget me? Who I am? What I meant? The beauty you once saw, once clung to? 

I know I did. Tomorrow I breathe deep. And learn to remember me; remember to love me. Maybe you will one day too.

Dig

http://youtu.be/6H288Dhv8GY

Where do go when you ache? To the past? To the future? To the arms of a lover? Do you write your prose, or sing a song??

I reach to the back of my heart. Dig up old beauty. Things that made me feel wonderful, beautiful, connected, loved. 

Maybe I'm that safe place for someone. Why can I not move out of this. Universe is calling. Strings tied too tightly to unbind alone. Oh to glimpse what could be. 

Today i sit in my ache and that is ok. For I still dawn a smile and the hope for better days. Tu me Manques.  

Not alone

You never know who is listening, or reading actually. Sometimes i wonder who is out there. 

I'm weary from sticks and stones. Words crafted to cut to the core. Baby steps into the future. Breathing deep and feeling the vibrations around me. 

Change is in the universe these days. Not something I embrace easily. One foot in front of the other I guess. 

Better to expect nothing than expect something and get let down. Keeping a smile on. 

http://youtu.be/ZI-aPHeUDlk