And the storm blows

http://youtu.be/r4yWcFsItN0

A storm blows through shaking the house. All the kids are happy and laying (Xbox and iPad).

A few nights filled with awful nightmares and a conversation filled with references of feelings long gone but not forgotten. 

Thoughts of matching birthmarks, old wounds and questions regarding the future.

It almost feels like my life is like this storm. Will it rain, hail, blow hard, pass quickly or destroy the gentle things on its path. 

All the purging feels good. And seeing an orderly space makes me feel serene. Just like the calm after the storm. 

This is the feeling also one gets when all your cards are on the table and there are no secretes. A peace knowing no more *new* damage can be done. 

Trying to keep dancing in the rain beloveds. Is there a storm in your life?

Home?

http://youtu.be/gp-AzkcBHp4

Grey is my mood as I pack up all my baby clothes and pass them on. Time for a new chapter. Blessings in every one. But i am taking this time for mourning.

Reinventing myself again, as my kids aren't babies and need me in different ways every day.  Oh how I love and cherish them.

I watched my searcher go dark this last week. Makes me sad; she fights so hard. When will she find peace?!  

My soft soul is searching. She is feeling numb; but it'll pass. Seeing her smile makes my day.

My middles are wrapped up in friends, Sleepovers and in constant search for the newest cool thing:) 

Baby isn't a baby; he keeps up with them all.

I sit back and watch; glad they are strong  and independent. Sad, I'm changing roles a bit. 

Still working to ease the ache in my soul. I wish I could end it. I don't think it is reciprocated. And I feel foolish taking so long to heal. Maybe some aches just don't go away. Like the loss of a loved one or the one who got away or deep betrayal. Who knows. 

Beloveds, tell me, do you ache?? Do these transitions sting even some???

Quieting

http://youtu.be/HiXmnGWw2EU

Put my life in a blender; push frappe! That's how I've felt for a year or more.

Im sorry, I thought I knew so much abut love and loss and how to save myself. But then I lost what I knew. I lost me. I searched for me in the bottom of a wine glass,silent tears, working out, grazing my skin, pouring my soul out into writing, into you. 

I don't know, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hoped you would save me, that your kiss could fix the ache and not create new jokes to fill. 

The most important lesson I am learning is who I am. I am song, but like a willow tree; bending and swaying in the storm. Not strong like an unloveable stone.

I've found my soft, my weak, my bliss and love. At least the image I had of it in my head since as long as I can remember.  

Beloveds, soar, find you; or find me:) I'm here! My words are beginning to quiet,. My battle is not gone, but I feel maybe it's time for a season of quiet? What do you think? 

Waivering courage

This is how I got here.... Now I remember.  Years of a parasite eating at my core, and being crushed under the boot of cruel men. Even women quick to burn me if in their best interest.

So many times these occurred I became weak, leery, cautious.  Carrying my pain in a secret compartment, dawning my lipstick and a smile so all think I'm ok portraying the stoic woman I am; but crying inside for someone too see into the gentle soul. I have nowhere to reach.

Waiveringly I let a few in and step forward with trepidation. Let love shine through beloveds.

And know, if you are in the mosaic i miss you. And honestly, I need you. In some fashion send me your energy of kindness and protection.

http://youtu.be/JQ7wXxepU20

Time...seems like a never ending process

Paint your face happy. Don't mention the pain; or the mistakes. The past, the heartache, or the gentle caress of love.

Laugh, throw yourself into projects. Keep yourself busy and surrounded with those you love. Never let the doubt show. Surely the brokenness will heal.

How can it take so long to heal from heartbreak? It's like asking how deep is love. Unanswerable. 

Aching for a pinky swear. Or to be overwhelmed with emotions. Or a building belief that the healing is making significant progress.

Friends and family ease it all. So is learning to breathe my love into the universe. 

Anything beloveds you wish could happen?? 

http://youtu.be/mB6fvCbKNZI

Lonely

http://youtu.be/I2vDLM4Hamk

Loneliness is funny. It gets worse at the end of the day. You see, you get married and you imagine spending nights together. That's not really how it works with this life.

Time after time the chips fell and not in my favor. The times alone got longer;  the inner distance farther, and the trust rusted since nothing seemed to be steady.

It's easy to fall apart that way. Change, do things, try and fill the ache. Our souls crave love. Mine does. But, I hold tight to the loves of the past and the future. "It can't rain all the time." 

Breathe child. This will pass. Beloveds, are you lonely too??

http://youtu.be/I2vDLM4Hamk

Finding it.... Joy

http://youtu.be/lSHGitWon1c

Feeling peaceful after yesterday's weight on my soul. So grateful for the sun, a great neighborhood and a friend. 

Me and my red wagon have made many trips this week to get ready for the multi family sale the next cul de sac over. It's been fun.

I have finished week one of t25 and an feeling good. And I feel great having a friend working with me to get healthy:)

The lonely is disappearing little by little. Focusing on the joy and love !!! 

Pinky is doing well; up another level!! Closer to coming home wahoo!!! 

Miss her.

Here's my joy to share:

Weight

Something weighs on my heart. No idea what it is; just that someone I care for us hurting. That much I feel. I'm here if you need me, whoever you are!

Sending out love and strength! Breathe deep beloved! 

Today has been busy, but a busy I like. A day full of accomplishments and kids smiling. :)

If only this heart ache would subside:. Maybe I'm just lonely, or missing someone. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Growing is painful but beautiful!' That's my little garden thriving! 

Beloveds, soar!!!

http://youtu.be/tSJlXKWRbbE

Think of me?

http://youtu.be/6Jl9z9-dFz4

Rosemary, ylang ylang, and lavender fill my room. It makes me think of you. I breathe in the ache and close my eyes.

All this time alone can wear on a woman.the children are wonderful bringers of joy...but it's a different kind of lonely I feel. I know so many feel the same. 

Distance, work, life, all bring distance. Distance in miles and in the soul.  Letting myself feel the ache. Breathe in love:) breathe out peace. 

Beloveds...think of me??? Send me your strength...

Glimpses

Sun is shining and kids are happy and growing. This oozing wound in my soul is a year old(ish) and healing,  paired with some other wounds I choose to keep open just to remind me of things I never want to forget. The joy, the anguish, love, beauty and seeing me as something wonderful for a brief moment. 

Sometimes I close my eyes and see a glimpse of what could be, what might me, and what I wish for.

Praying for dreams where you find me, and hold me. This life can get so physically lonely and draining all at once.

Mom is fully accounted for, Jenn is making her way. 

Beloveds, today reach for those you love. Give them a sign you aren't just a passing entity.

http://youtu.be/TFAwW34LcTM

Simple

Sometimes it's the little moments of peace that are the best. I sat and watched princess drag her little stuffed friends all around in a wagon while I enjoyed a glass of vino :)

Today it was watching my son fix his sister's hair. Not only willingly but it was his idea!

Another milestone was his bi-annual haircut:) he's so handsome however he wears his hair, but it is nice to see those adorable eyes!

Another wonderful milestone was restarting t25 for a second round. (No one wants to see those pics lol). I will wait until I have a progress picture!

My fit bit will help too :) 

Mosaic is healing; moving forward one day at a time. Missing those far away and care about. Hope maybe a beloved or two are missing me:)

http://youtu.be/h4sfjDD_gBY

Stepping forward

http://youtu.be/OWqLtXXzldk?list=PLoieNQ6kT_LDH5_JygeD5K3yp9hmC0r1q

Another year past: and reality is back after a wonderful day filed with family, friends, and love. I felt extraordinary special. Very overwhelming:) loved seeing my folks, my daughter and friends I haven't seen in quite a while.

Today started with some sun and play at the park and a wonderful nap in the dark, cool basement. I love home.

Today is also weigh and measure day as I start t25 for a second round. 

A new baby was born into our family:) very exciting; but I won't see her as her family has hurt us deeply and decided to live very privately. No matter what efforts made to bring them into the fold have been made, that's not what they want right now. Personally I want to cover that sweet baby in kisses!

Family is a complicated thing, but can be wonderful :) my brother sent this, best brother ever!

I'm so grateful for all the love. This year, my goal is to just love those around me. More every day. 

Beloveds, do you have things you're working towards?? I believe in you!

Finishing strong

http://youtu.be/7EcxR23bpCI

Another year has gone by. Frankly, one of the most difficult and life changing years of my life both emotionally and physicall

This tempering has taught me so much.

1. Believe in your light and your gut. Aka TRUST YOURSELF.

2. Try new things, they can bring such solace.

3. Forgive; regardless of someone is sorry.

4. Fight for what you love. 

5. Connect with your inner self. Listen to it.

6. Feed your soul. 

7. Breathe...don't get caught up in the tasks.

8. Love completely, without abandon.

9. Dance, grow and laugh.

10. Whe the time comes, allow yourself to grieve your losses.

11.GROW! Even if you change monumentally; this is your journey, embrace it.

Beloveds, thank you. Here's to another year of sharing our journeys and pouring out souls into the world and giving love and light to those near and far. 

Breathe in

http://youtu.be/kMfbhIvkt3w

Breathing deep and releasing what's not mine to carry. Feeling lighter and tired. Bonding with a friend and loving on my kids. Blessed to understand more each day why I am tender as I am.

I think about many of you often. Hoping you are thriving, soaring, fulfilling all your dreams. Hoping I've etched a happy memory in your soul. 

Both my girls are away the next few weeks. It will be quiet for sure! I'm going to have to keep these littles busy!!! It's fun watching them build friendships, Run and giggle and grow:)

Beloveds, sending love out. Breathe it in!

Not for now...

http://youtu.be/R_u24SyaIcY

A wonderful time of cleansing with a beautiful soul brought amazing solace today. She brought be clarity, plans, peace, release and hope. 

Hope for my daughter, our future, her journey. Release from the trunks of energies I carried around that weren't even mine!:) and lessons of how to stay free, and to work towards a future of joy.

Peace, that some things that seem unattainable may just be for "not now" but rather for another time. Patience child:)

Breathe deep, release, and LOVE!! I had forgotten that not everyone feels and sees the universe like I do, and that is ok.i choose to send love and light out into it!

Blessings beloveds, may you soar!

Pushing through

http://youtu.be/Gj-XN2TD7_Y

Being a mother is a challenge, a blessed one. Constant needs and pulling. And questions; followed by loves and hugs and kisses.  :)

RR life is different. I'm mostly here alone. That's ok. It gets tiring or lonely and sometimes I get a bit fed up. 

No real time for "me", friendships, or least of all romance. It is go go go the time. Not to mention I have blocked myself off from many due to hurts and healing. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to collapse. From lack of emotional nourishment. I remember feeling this way in my teens too (hence today's musical pick).  Just a feeling of impending crisis; that all will fall apart someday. That someone will see my flaws as I do and destroy me. 

I'm taking little leaps of faith: friendships, running, trying to trust again. All I can say is I am so grateful for little hands, hugs and kisses:)

When things are falling apart, beloveds, what keeps you going??

Happy 4th

Wonderful day to celebrate freedom! A race, fun with a visit with pinky, a parade with awesome framily, fireworks and very happy kids.

This firework lit pic is of moo. He wore himself out crying over our troops past and present risking their lives. He fell asleep right before the finale.

Tucking these beautiful moments in my heart. God bless America! Our troops and you!

First last kiss

The first kiss is sometimes memorable, sometimes not. Some I wish I could forget, like my first "real" kiss (gross), some I'm glad I can't remember, and some I'm glad are part of my mosaic. 

There is something so intimate about a kiss. Judas betrayed Jesus with one. Marriages begin with one. Goodbyes even oft contain one.

Sometimes a kiss prolongs the inevitable. Hides sadness, rekindles romance, or can even break a heart. It can make your heart skip a beat, take your breath away, or change your soul.

A last first kiss...such a strange thought. You never know it is coming or that is what it is; Or the territory that it takes up in one's heart. So much so, that when it is taken from you, damage is done. It's a special thing. Something oft taken for granted.

Beloveds, do you remember your first kiss? Your last? Which ones are important to you??

http://youtu.be/rNJwu-YkQlc

Anonymous

Quietly viewing from their secret corner. Not wanting to be known. I wonder why. Are they a stranger? A villian? An admirer? What are they searching for, or hiding from?

How much safety we find in anonymity. No risk, no explanation, and no reciprocation. 

Tragic really. Three years here and I feel I've returned to "anonymous" as I began here. Trying to regain footing and a place. 

Anonymous, I hope you're finding what you're looking for. I am searching myself, I want that fulfillment of finding what I'm searching for as well. 

For now I will find contentment somewhere in the middle; between anonymity and belonging.