Oozing!

http://youtu.be/F2yL__ciZ9E

(Ok so the video has twilight video lol) enjoy the tween wonderful mess.

It's amazing how far from an incident we can come and yet the pain burbles under the surface. Abuse, rape, betrayal, or deception. Even our own transgressions may haunt us. A thorn in our side.

I am far from flawless; but I'm aching and angry tonight from years of different kinds of pain. I can't run from it and it is one of those wounds in the mosaic that seems to ooze occasionally. 

Joy of the present overtaken by the pain or losses of the past. Many forgiven but not forgotten on my part and others. Bleed for it all, I do. Thank goodness for long runs, tattoo needles and happy memories and moments. 

Beloveds, are there oozing wounds you are bandaging??

Stay the same

http://youtu.be/xunRwhBvOA4

My favorite treat in hand, music in my ears and a book to fill the time. I wish you were here. I'm aching for a smile, a laugh where you throw your head back just a little. The soft touch of kindness on the tips of fingers. 

You haven't been here. I'm guessing in a very long time. I not only mean the place but me. Do your thoughts drift; or do our dreams meet? I felt like a visit occurred not long ago. 

It's silly really. How long a soul can hold onto someone. Long after they have changed or left. Frozen in time.

It is similar when children grow. If it has been a large gap in time since you have seen them the growth and change is shocking!:) seeing the first day of school pics has been amazing in this way. 

I feel like yesterday I was in school. Irony that I'm about to embark yet again into school! Simmons here i come. 

So as things change I guess I stay the same. ha!! City brew in my little town ;)

Learning from babes...

Time marches on! Kids are growing fast. Starting the school year and learning so much everyday. But really I learn so much from them.

They teach me love. I cannot help but be overflowing with it when they are near. Even when I feel overwhelmed they seem to make me remember to laugh and not take life to seriously. They also are great reminders of the example I am to them. That is a large burden. I pray I do a good job.

I love them so.... 

Beloveds look at the children in your life; what can you learn from them??

Up and down

What a weekend. Filled so much with emotion! Celebration of a visit with pinky, moo getting his orange belt with a white strip, completing the warrior run 5k and enjoying the last weekend of "summer."

It's so hard to see the kids grow so fast. Sophomores, 3rd grade and preschool!! Where has the time gone!  At least they all still let me hold them close and love on them.

I've battled my insecurities all weekend. Finally, going off the pill and hoping that changes some aspects. (Ahem, weight gain, and migraines).  And will see my dr later this month to figure out what's causing for the joint pain and fatigue. 

I'm ordering books and arranging schedules and gearing up for grad school. Excited and scared. But want to grow. I LOVE school. I'm hoping this step adds another layer to me that I can revel in. 

Beloveds, what were your highs and lows??

http://youtu.be/WSCHKimgy1s

Demon. Mine anyways....

http://youtu.be/b5IIgxfX9cQ

I will never be one of those women you see on TV. Full curves and tiny thighs and perfectly coifed. Fashionable, well accessorize or high maintenance.

I will forever be a tomboy who enjoys the burn or working hard, playing hard and who spends most of her time with her hair in a bun focusing on the task at hand rather than "having it all together."

I've spent the majority of my life envious of those girls/women. The ones who look beautifully done, fashion plates, with a flair of dressing perfectly for their figure.

I've attempted to be "that girl," but never felt like it was me. I've been working on embracing who I am and loving her.

Due to life experience I (like so many of you) feel inadequate. I want parts to be different, I want to feel confident in me.

Tired of being "cute" or other words similar. I've yearned to be gorgeous, sexy, wanted. Chosen.

Alas, those moments have been few and far between. At least i make an excellent friend, have a good sense of humor, work hard and am a kind companion (most of the time.)

Beloveds, there's my demon; or one of them rather. Do you battle things??

Get through...

http://youtu.be/SA6kIU6DKrk

The pounding of the pavement as I took a quick run was exactly what I needed. Haunted by nightmares these last few weeks; with only one visitor to bring peace.

My soul burns. I miss my daughter, I miss my life, and I miss feeling lovable. Truly u worthy of overwhelming adoration. 

I know I have great worth. I'm a loving mother, good friend, supportive spouse, and a willing giver of my time and help.  But life has brought forward the fear that I may not be lovable. Not in the way of the sonnets and love stories. Maybe I'm just off today.

Tomorrow has a lot on its agenda and that may be causing my anxiety: PTSD had no boundaries. It's a bastard that I'm learning to control.

I will focus on my blessings to get through. 

Beloveds, what gets you through?

Speeding ahead!

http://youtu.be/nSDgHBxUbVQ

Life is quickly approaching a fevered pace! School for kids, sports and appointments for all! Karate, cheer, soccer, homework and open house.

I start classes too. The 14th. I feel like a young kid; definitely afraid and excited. Lectures and papers and eventually another practicum. 

Deep in my heart is the belief of another that "yes, you can do this." The drive to do great beats in my chest as it once did as I was flipping down a floor or dribbling down a court. 

Sometimes I cry. How great would it be to go through this with that reassurance a constant. Instead of a memory or a peppering from those I speak to about it on occasion. I want to soar. 

This year has brought such pain and growth and change. What does this new year bring with it?! Hopefully the freedom I have found will grow and not flounder. 

Beloveds, what mountains are you climbing?!

More

http://youtu.be/A3Qvb7q9Nm0

What a gorgeous weekend! Filled with those I love. Hugging and kissing and snuggling so many who mean the world to me. 

Embibing in sun, laughter, giggles and freedom.  Feed in the grass, hands in the dirt and the blessing and privilege of watching all these kids grow! 

I'm finding more and more of me. School starts for my kids and me soon! WE can do this!!!! 

While I didn't escape disappointment this weekend I did get past it:) bless you all!

Beloveds, find it! Your new joy, new peace. New ways to be kind and love and live more each day!

Jenn

Summer fun

http://youtu.be/Eqbojbu5Z-w

After two horrible days of a migraine I'm praying I recover before tomorrow.  These "flares" are intensifying. Worries me. At least I'm not alone, having a friend that gets it is refreshing. 

Been feeling freer every day. Embracing me, it's a feeling I cannot explain. Being free to be me is wonderful! I hope it continues.  I am just happy I can breathe'

This weekend I will have all my kids together; that's the pinnacle of joy!! We will do the fair and enjoy Every second I can! 

Sunday we run for a great cause:) (trafficked women). Hoping to swim soon too. Just wrapping up the summer the best way I can. Full of joy!!! 

I've been feeling so much silence. Maybe that's good. 

Beloveds, are you finding you??

Here it goes!

Sitting at city brew in my little town; where the baristas know me and I can always find a seat....

My archaic computer refuses to do anything at all. I'm supposed to be completing and submitting my fafsa.:/

I'm at 20 min and nada! So frustrating. Not even my hot chocolate is cheering me up. 

I'm definitely afraid of this next step. I have an affinity for psyching myself 

out.  

Belief in myself is something I'm cultivating. I've had the privilege of having some cheerleaders through these hurdles but now it is time for me to put my nose to the grindstone and get some shit done!

Well, compy stopped peeing on my carpet so here I go!! 

Beloveds, wish me luck!

A dream

http://youtu.be/tutGLDaaFqs

I dremt of a beautiful dance. Me in lace and my love smelling of a starched Shirt and burt's bees. There is a sunset and grass and stars so bright: and we are lost in eachother.

It was a beautiful dream; being twirled and dipped and kissed with his hands on my face like he sometimes did.  Lifting me as he holds me close and our souls intertwine. 

Such a simple and beautiful dream. Oh how hard separating is for me. How I wish you'd reach for me. 

Promises of coming for me if the time ever came make my breath catch. Oh to be loved like that. To risk and fight and cleave to your love. Asking so much really I am.

Beloveds, love strongly and passionately so your love knows it. For doubting love is so painful.

Glow

http://youtu.be/ofC8bXqnCUo

Rainy day spent snuggling kids and furry kids. Reminiscing of days past. Some things have crossed my mind I hadn't realized I'd forgotten. 

The intense feeling when a soul reaches out for yours, the look of devastation in one's  eyes goodbye brings. 

Watching one of my loves being twisted in the stories she's being told. Remembering that we cannot choose not to love; no matter the ache it causes.

My innocent little ones are such a blessing to watch. Not yet jaded by heartbreak or loss. Purest joy pours from them; I love it!!

This rain is perfect. Perfect for a long "I love you" kiss, a dance that drenches you to the bone or at every least shared longing as two souls look out into the mist.

I want to be a light. That place where those I love know they can return to at anytime to find comfort. 

Beloveds, dance, kiss, long. Feel the rain deep in your bones and know someone loves you; is waiting for you to see their light and return to them.

No, it'll just be me.

http://youtu.be/OMSltdPTXcs

Plans change at the drop of a hat and I find myself alone. Heavy and sinking over these last few weeks as I feel as a spectator in my own life. 

Tonight, I shall go, sip warm hot chocolate, inside, not in my car where I shed so many tears last time I was there. Breathe deep and find a little piece of me again. At least the ache is feeling something.

Numbness has invaded me as a way of protecting the fragility of the human spirit within.

I will breathe deep. Maybe even let the tears fall that I've been bottling for what feels like a lifetime. And step out a little more human, soft and me... 

Beloveds, don't hide your fragility as t contains beauty.

Pruning

Pruning....it helps gardens grow and fruit flourish. It's not any different for people. We often have to shed things in order to flourish. Thoughts, people, behaviors, longings, wishes all can be things that hinder our fruit from showing and being as great as it can be.

Often we fill our lives with so many obligations and busyness we don't even notice how our "garden" is suffering. 

I'm learning how to fill myself with positive thoughts, people, ideas and beliefs. Holding on to things that let us down need to be tossed away.  

At first I felt pretty exposed, barren. But now I'm really enjoying peace. Realizing that we all have things we must let go of in order to thrive.

Beloveds, is it time to prune??

http://youtu.be/ks8t286s2Es