Until another day

http://youtu.be/5GTbM5-ku-M

Well, beloveds, it's been a good run! I will return but I feel it is time to breathe in and push out and shut the gate to my inner musings for now. If you miss me, reach for me:)

Today was another self defense class. And for the first time in 15 years I felt hands wrapped tightly around my throat. But this time I was taught how to fight and flee! And as I fought all that locked in pain was released. Tears burned my eyes but I never let it stop me. It was like I had wings!!! I won't ever be that scared little girl again. (As I was only a girl of 18,19)

I am now a strong woman. I know you cannot hurt me anymore! I plan to keep learning and attending any of these that come up. I can feel my soul and body growing and learning. Amazing.

"Scrapping" with Annie was awesome. She's a strong and inspiration woman. I felt bad, I made her bleed:/ but we had laughs and I worked my ass off with her and the other senseis. Still feeling so good! Freedom, it may be a drug!

So, blessings senseis! You are amazing! My girls and I won't be taken easily. 

Returning to the original statement. Beloveds, I have opened my soul wide for you all; it is time now to ponder my growth and my path. Please know I am here for any who need me. Please don't forget me. I won't forget you! You can find me if you need me. If not through the Internet world than at my weekly coffee break. Wednesdays 6:30-8 in my little place in the world.

Your soft hearted gyspy hippie!

Jenn - the gookedist mommy of all.

Tomorrow....

http://youtu.be/zY9es8R4PD4

Well beloveds, tomorrow will be my last post for a while. Wearing my heart and pain on my sleeve is for another time:)

I've fought long and hard and come up empty handed. So, I will make peace with the current and pray for answers from the universe, pinky swears to be kept, and for a love that sees this hippie gypsy with a heart worth fighting for.

I hope this finds you all soaring and thriving. If you are aching reach and I will be there. Rheumenating will do me no good but to hold on to tears and hope. 

Anonymous does not exist, as far as I can see:) you all know where to find me. Phone, text, or my little coffee shop on Wednesday nights:)

Blessings beloveds, see you tomorrow for a farewell!

Breathe in and release!

I

http://youtu.be/X2D7BcyxRY4

After my awesome night run last night I gazed at the stars. My precious Orion, and all the other glittering beauties.

I took deep breaths and sipped my wine and let all my tears flow like rain.

Oh the release. After being blessed today to speak with my sister in law to sort out my pull I feel like I can breathe again. I have reached to all I love that i feared were hurting and that's all I can do. 

So now I refocus. School is amazing, learning lots and getting A's so far. Kids are thriving and my home is as in order as it ever will be. I will have all my 5 this weekend and free my Demons Sunday as I take my second of two self defense classes. What a rush! 

I will run again tonight. Stomp out more pain into the ground. I will stop searching and let the universe answer what need be and let the rest leave.

Learning about my gift is a challenge yet explains so much. The pain is gone. The love is not. 

Now to focus on the task at hand. :)

Blessings beloveds, enjoy the song, it is great for running!

Living with a broken heart...

http://youtu.be/i85AnH1gMT4

Sleepless nights and days filled with trepidation and the sting of energies telling me something is wrong; very wrong.

That someone I love is hurting. I've reached far and wide with no answer. I'm praying my lovely Haley will help me sort it out. 

I feel as if I'm living with a broken heart. Funny, I once asked someone if they could live with a broken heart, and they said yes and so did I. (Fully knowing that heartbreak was the most probable outcome as the connection was fierce and instant ). Now that I live with one and more so everyday that these energies plague me; I'm not so sure I can.

I'm oozing pain, but it isn't mine. Someone please tell me I'm not alone. Tell me how to end this ache. 

For now I will don my sneakers and run like hell. I will keep the tears at bay. Drink a glass or two of vino and pray my beloveds are safe, and that I will find answers. 

Please reach, tell me if it is you. Take this from me and know I will ease your pain in return. 

A pull so strong

http://youtu.be/TWDE2OB8kWM

An energy so strong had me crying myself to sleep last night, those around me feel it tugging at my soul... ..

My life is peaceful for a brief moment. My school work is done, I'm not drowning. Yet I cannot shake this tugging at my soul. It is consuming me; trying to find you, the one calling to me. Where are you? What can I do for you? I would do most anything to end this ache. Like it is pulling at the stitches of my mosaic armor. Hoping the universe will reveal to me what is causing this, for I don't know how much I can survive. I'm strong but my soft soul is my weakness and its crumbling. I want to love, to dance to bring peace to this ache by fulfilling it; not by the one sending it vanishing. 

I am losing sleep like the one in Shakespearean sonnets who couldn't be near his love. 

Beloveds, if you are calling I will answer. 

Pull of energy

http://youtu.be/pILkm4TLGCc

Unblocked. Maybe it means nothing; maybe it does. Maybe I will never ever know. And I will breathe deep and know that is ok.

I am soaring! First grade in, 100%! Keeping caught up on my work, my kids and my house. I even find time to workout and breathe a bit. 

Tonight I return to my little coffee shop in my little town in the shire hahaha. I will sip my hot chocolate and do my studies and hope this time anonymous appears. 

I've been feeling the pull of an energy reaching for me. I would gladly help if I knew exactly whom it was. 

Until then I send love into the universe take some if you need it:)

Today I smile; my little family is all together and my kids are thriving. What blessings they are. 

Beloveds, smile, believe in yourself and know I believe in you too.

Wanderlust

http://youtu.be/7yg05svXp98

Unconventional am I. A black sense of humor, a love for super heroes, naps, football, and tattoos. Gentle whispers, hot coco, adventures and learning. I don't fix my hair every day and I'm a hippie at heart. Wandering soul and all:

Some cultures would fear my soul might be taken or Illness caused by my wanderlust. It isn't a craving for new surrounding but an urge to find where I fit.

There have been a few blissful times where I thought I had found it; but then it was gone. So I wander more. Not lost but searching. 

I never respond to things as the general public may for I am an old soul with deep feelings and a tender heart wrapped in my mosaic armour. 

Beloveds, who are you, the real you? 

Feel you

http://youtu.be/TFAwW34LcTM

How do you measure succes? Is it in dollar signs, comforts, family, or toys? Is it in the weight in a scale or the size of your jeans? Or is it deep wishing your being.

My soul measures it in moments. Small successes, justice, hard work, growth and flickers of love.

I feel the energies around me. I almost feel like my soul is that if a gipsy; wandering forever to find what quenches my thirst. 

I am parched, starved, emeciated. Dying for lack of love of connection. Wishing only to see that affection in your eyes. The one that's gone now. To feel your energy when you're heart is near mine. But you are far away from me. Or I'm far away from everyone. 

Beloveds, what quenches you when you are parched and lonely?

Deeply

http://youtu.be/99SAzO1fidA

I tell myself I'm not lonely, that I'm complete. I tell myself I don't ache to belong somewhere. That I don't need to be called baby, adored or admired.

I am finding my voice again. Gaining strength and healing from the years of being bullied. Another round of self defense next week to cauterize those wounds.

Feeding my craving for knowledge on my studies; even with all the technical frustrations :/ stupid internet. 

Just deeply sad. Wanting to feel connected and understood. To feel again, like a woman. 

I will fight, for me, to feel whole. I will breathe deep and dream; maybe love will find me there.

Tomorrow I will get hot chocolate and utilize useful internet at the city brew lol: screw you century link.

Beloveds, don't let the melancholy win.

Musings in the rain

https://youtu.be/NGL9LMvbWKE

Seems like I'm always behind the times.  I run my home very much like my parents did.  Chores, modesty, and honesty.  We help eachother, we work hard and we spend time together.  Board games, movie nights, and homework.  

I hold onto sentimental things. The memory of a scent, a word, a promise.  All these things can be fleeting yet I cannot let them go.  I take them at face value and tuck them into my little mosaic heart for safe keeping.

I can close my eyes and remember what I wore on my first "date," smell my first loves smell, taste the kiss of a love come and gone, see the look in someones eyes as their soul and mine met.  

I wish i could leave some things behind.  Stupidly I miss people who have forgotten I exist. I reach to grab onto what I had even though it has already blown away into the wind. I ache for yesterdays, for past victories, or a second chance to do things right or differently.  Take back words that hurt, say goodbye to those who are gone forever. Be kinder, more forgiving, more understanding.

This tender soul is deep pool of feelings new and old, love that burns for eternity and bile that burns my throat for those who have scorned me or those I love. This soul believes in love at first sight, in pinky promises, in somedays.  

Maybe if I stopped worrying if you are out there, and forgot you then maybe you would come find me. Maybe if I stopped daring you "anonymous" you would show your face.  If I stopped aching for your love you would give it willingly.  So many what ifs, or could haves, should haves.

All I can say for certain is the rain has made me melancholy.  A night by the fire tucked in tight with the kids will remedy this I am sure.  I turned in my first grad school paper today and I'm sure I am worried about that; new school new standards and I am waiting to see where I fall talent wise.  Funny how school is always the same no matter the age; we all just want to succeed. 

Beloveds, do you wish you weren't feeling alone sometimes? That someone would fight for you, reach for you, fall for you?? That you would be powerful, or well spoken, or unafraid? I know I have wished all these things. Love deep, for love can heal anything.