Deep peaceful breath.:::

http://youtu.be/6vj01QgJ9pk

I sit back and smile. I take a deep breath and feel it. It is either the closing of a chapter; I have passed mourning. Or it's a rejuvenation of a connection once strong and driving. Or maybe an odd combination of both. Regardless, I feel peace. 

Once in a while, the peace slides down my face. What an odd feeling. Maybe my pieces have been returned or the stitches are finally doing their job. Calmness in the unknown. Bizarre!

Maybe the exhaustion has taken over after a day of magic but it feels deeper than that, more finite. Maybe the collection of a gift was all I needed to find solace. Maybe it is just good and that is ok with me. 

Cherishing the amazing energy surrounding me at his very moment. Thankful for the time with family, time to learn, grow and just be. Few more hours of sun then back to snow, my cozy home and my beloved framily (friend family) and pets!

Thank you beloveds, for loving me!

The burn

http://youtu.be/o_ez1-zIUR8

Feeling it today. The burn. Burn of loss of the aftermath of fire. The pain that comes with goodbye, with betrayal with unmet expectations and heartaches. Of the world changing before my eyes while I stand still. Paralyzed. Living a life like I'm watching it happen

My kids are growing at light speed. 3,5,8 and 16! Feels like I was just 16! Years pass faster and faster.

A year ago I was driving Montana roads to give my daughter a visit with her dad. Stopping in Livingston on my way back. Funny how something can be glaring remembered while others fade away effortlessly. 

A year later we are packing up for a Disney adventure. Still crying empty tears over time lost and things found.

 A full fledged grad student. Reaching for my dreams. Ones I would never have pursued without the belief in me i have found through those I have encountered.

Playing games in my head. Determining what is real, what is a game, what was there or not really ever there at all. Kicking myself for getting stuck in this place. 

Reaching hard for all the dreams I have. Yet feeing never enough to meet the standards. Standards to make them proud, to make me lovable, to be beautiful inside and outside. So my heart is constantly in a state of unrest. 

Weary. Beyond words. Betrayed, broken, promised, believed in. 

Feeling like a stupid girl; like nothing is real. Like a watcher. Toughen up, you have to fight. Search, reach grow. 

http://youtu.be/Tg5zqFZ_Dj8

Now to define me. Without you. Were you able to do that? Or was that never a battle? Or are the tapestries woven too tight?? I don't know anymore.

http://youtu.be/KqzlYTmFBGY

Sonnets romance my eyes no more. Rather I feel like poor William, feeling sleepless and longing. Praying for rest as he feels lost. 

I have to fight, fight and fight. Too many years, too many unwilling to fight for me when I cannot.  

http://youtu.be/Gj-webKdFr8

So, here I am. The same broken girl searching for love. Searching for you. Searching for me really. When I get it right you'll know. I will know. It will be a victory of longevity not a scene from a brief time of joy. It'll be for the long hall. 

No more missed connections, or what ifs. It will be real, true and the pain will dissipate. I hold my tiny hope in my little hands. I wear it like a ring, a sign of permanent faith. Faith it will all heal. That love and joy will be no longer a ruse or fleeting. 

Join me, beloveds.

I want it all

http://youtu.be/vXyCjwGLjao

I want passion. Kisses for hours. Longing, desire and to lose my breath at the site of you.

I want that for me too. For someone to get lost in all that is me: when music hits their ears they remember me, ache for me.

I feel like it has been seconds and years all at the same time since I felt you fill my soul. Since I felt you depart from me.  Why can I not ease this ache; why don't I want to? Do I enjoy being melancholy as you do?

I've been closed off so long, I don't even know how to be "her" anymore. I'm all blood and heat and tears and beautiful aching. A warrior princess stoically treading through each battle to find "her."

The farther I march the more lost I feel. Not lost, I'm not sure the word. It's more of growing pains I suspect.  Fearing all I hold deeply and precious is a facade. Love being fleeting or possibly never real.

I know mine is always real. But as I have been told, not everyone loves the same. 

I burn as I fly away from home. My safety is there. I can hold it together there, and if I don't? No one sees. It's safe and protected. 

Out away from my little crab shell I will be raw, exposed, and have to be ready for the slings and arrows that come with catching up. 

If I could I would travel in time. Jump around amongst the beautiful memories I have and to the future to where joys must abound.

Semester over, awaiting grades and hopefully continued studying at Simmons. What a year. Amazing how the ache has fueled me! 

Now south I go. To family, adventures and the ability to run often (for a bit at least). Pound the pavement and my pain out until I can't run anymore. 

Moot points swirl around in my heart and head. Problems I cannot solve for they don't belong to me. Solutions that aren't mine to make. Nothing for me to do but think, and ache.

A year

http://youtu.be/X2D7BcyxRY4

Sitting here sipping my hot chocolate thinking. A year ago I sat here, snowy blowy out and me tapping away emails about snow boots and lonely nights. 

Funny how my mind quieted when I had so much work to do. My finals are complete for all intensive purposes. So, I have time.  Too much really, as we prep for our trip to see my family. 

One last round under the ink gun to try and cleanse the soul before we head south. I am amazed with the empty I am left with today. Crazy that I would rather edit a paper. 

Feeling strong and weak all at once. It's an odd dichotomy. Just like wishing someone peace a joy with someone else. Guess i am just musing on where I have been and where I am going. The ache of being forgotten still burns my chest.

A fighter within stifled for best interest. Finding peace in surprising places and praying i never bring this ache on another human. 

Now, I wait. For grades. For peace. For love. And yes, maybe even for pinky swears. 

Namaste beloveds.

May you find what you ache for 

A guest appearance

https://youtu.be/leDjbm6qmjo


A guest appearance thanks to minimal wifi at my coffee haunt....So, here goes.  I'm wrapping up my first semester of grad school.  It has been full of ups and downs.  Luckily I have made some great friends along the way.

I have had a hell of a week, uvulitis, kids with illness and all on my own.  I meet with a new lady now thanks to someone I will not give the glory of mentioning their name.  Starting at the beginning is hard.  I have learned a lot in the last year.  Sadly, I think I am even less broken than before but stronger and healing in a lot of different ways.  My body is strong and my knuckles cracked as I learn more about self defense.  My skin has new art in places I never imagined, with plans for more I had never considered.  I have met my gift head on and am learning so much about how to ground it, feel it and heal those around me with it.

The last few weeks have been filled with tragic loss, disappointments, and overall a feeling of defeat.  I have a new view on where I was a year ago and why I chose many of the things I have over the last year.  An empty cup is a dangerous thing and a person will bend tremendously to try and fill it.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of the losses suffered.  Although I get more clarity with the decisions of others as I am able to pull back from my own pain somewhat.  I have sealed those persons and losses in my soul and honestly in my skin thanks to my beautiful artist April.

I cannot say I am no longer enraged at the deceit.  That I do not ache for the company of those who find me worthy of their affections.  Now though, I just look at Orion and try and find the reason behind the way the tapestry is coming together instead of letting it eat away what is left of the emptiness within.


I just need to break.  Like I used to.  I cannot even seem to get to that point.  There is so very much to do and so much to accomplish and I am weary.  I need a strong set of shoulders to weep on.  Someone, that feels the ache I do, wears funny socks, and laughs at my jokes.  Says I am pretty no matter what.  Who doesn't expect me to face the world alone or fight every battle alone but rather with someone by my side.

Blessings beloveds. And anonymous?? I'm still here, where are you??