Addiction

http://youtu.be/A_U6iSAn_fY

Addiction.... Those words echo in my soul.  It is funny, because we weren't talking about me.  But then I think and I think and I think.  Maybe it is I who am addicted.  Addicted to the pain of loss, of hurting, of being not enough.  

I feel all these weights day in and out no matter how hard I work, how much I overcome or how much I succeed.  I feel addicted to the ache in my soul.  To the thought that if I wait long enough in this place of pain then I will be me.  

Losing you was like the binge that took me teetering over the edge.  The drink that caused the world to crumble.  All the dreams of being enough somehow fell upon your shoulders as they were the last I felt I could lean upon and not be a failure.  Not be "not enough."  Rather I was the ideal. Even for such a short blink of time.

I think the times I sit in this coffee shop looking at those parking spots and writing my soul on these pages hoping someone understands me.  That maybe you are rooting for me silently, off in the wings.  

Like a snowflake, beautiful in its individuality, that is me.  The ability to love deep and hard and true and ache forever for "you." 

So many what if's and maybe someday's.  I hold them all like precious gems.  I tuck them in my heart full of scars. I hold the pain with the joy and I pray for the addiction to end.  For me to stop worrying about the standards I have created out of nothing.  For me to stop waiting for someone to love me the way I love you.

wishing I could let go of the wish that you were here with me.  That you could see, me.  That someone could see what you saw.  Or that maybe you still see. That the weight could be lifted.  That I could feel strong. 

Beloveds......goodnight.

Another one...

http://youtu.be/lp-EO5I60KA

How'd you forget about me? How can you not remember the little things. What I love, makes me laugh, makes me feel like you're here.

It's foreign to me. The fact that I can't do that. Like I hold my breath for that great amazing love moment. That kiss in the rain. The dance that changes everything. The gift that makes my soul sing because it is so truly emotionally charged and perfect based on who I am to you.

Maybe I just want too much. I never fought. Yet, desperately that's what I need. To be rescued, fought for, passionately pursued. Remembered. 

Beloveds, how does one forget all these dreams? Forget the past. Walk away and never look back? It isn't in my makeup.

Soar beloveds. 

A little more time .....

http://youtu.be/4bzIpYiPUUo

How do you just walk away? Silence forever. Do you live with no regrets with that decision? Or do you wonder where I am? 

How do you keep hurting me so callously?!  How am I so invisible? Or am I a rarity? Capable of deep searing long lasting love. To the point of it breaking me?

I worry I am alone. That these fears are true. That love is not for me. That I have left little to no impact on those I love dearly. Scraping together the breaths, taking each day at a time. Feeling a fool for letting old wounds sting. For still caring. 

I miss my family. Friends that I can just look at and they get me. Feels like a lifetime has passed since I existed.  

I will read sonnets, dream and hope. And I will be sitting in that parking spot feb 10: why? I don't know, just to remember what it felt like to say good bye I guess. 

Someone find me and all those little shards of me that I'm gathering together as I slowly lose things I love. 

Beloveds, I am weary from loss and deeply need hope. 

 Blessings.

crashes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD17tXW7XVQ


Wow, so many words and so many very hard things coming down the pike.  Is that even the saying?? haha. Anyways, I was speaking with someone how grief goes in waves.  Boy is that the truth! I am slowly losing a very important woman to me.  She is my gramma, even if not by blood.  As, i read the texts from my mom regarding her decline my eyes fill with tears.  I want to be there. I want to be with my brothers and Angie.  I have this stupid plane ticket.  It could take me anywhere and I am here.

Since it is pending expiration. I guess I will have to use it.  Do I go to Portland and memorialize its anniversary.  Do I go and comfort the grieving even though they have not asked?

Tis neither here nor there at this point, as I have no ideas as to what to do.

What I do know is that the waves of loss and grief keep washing over me.  Betrayals new and old haunt this hippie soul as I tread forward trying to find out what is real and what has been a fairy tale all this time.

I just wish the waves would stop crashing over and over.  One grief trickles away just for the next wave of pain to break on the beach of my heart; then the old pain takes another turn.

Smile beloveds, as life is fleeting.  Take peace in the moments where the waves don't crash.

Pieces

http://youtu.be/k4FoeVEa41k

Push and pull. I release and yet it clings to my very soul. I make new connections,build myself but a chunk of me is missing. 

Like a robot going through the motions. I connect but something is missing. Maybe have given away more of me over the years than I have been given back. 

How do you hold back, keep distance, maybe never ached at all. But tears in your eyes told me different. The catch in your breath said you loved me. Your promise wasn't to appease me; that's not who you are and you know the pain it would cause if not heartfelt. 

Breathe me. Find me. Pieces come back or someone give me theirs. 

Namaste all. I'm breathing deep, seeing closed what wounds I can. :) 

Keep dancing on the journey

http://youtu.be/hQpU25pmlVU

Laugh with me. Make the tears stop that live just beneath the surface. I keep reaching. Stupid girl. Sadly I believe some things can be reclaimed. Say, do, look the right way and the world will stop spinning and life will be different. Fill the void with school, wine (sometimes I pick the white just to reminisce), working out, staying busy. 

Nothing seems to temper the ache of missing things that were there,or you thought were there.

I always wanted, dreamt really, if someone fighting for me. Falling madly in love. The true affection taking over their soul so richly they cannot stay away. 

Maybe that dream isn't for me. I cannot help but hope, fight for the dreams I have and have discovered along this journey.

So tiny breath by breath I learn to use the ache as a beat to dance to; I use the ache to build beauty and understand the pain of others. 

Never is forever my friends. Blessings, soar for me. And never forget your pinky swears. I never will.