I feel all these weights day in and out no matter how hard I work, how much I overcome or how much I succeed. I feel addicted to the ache in my soul. To the thought that if I wait long enough in this place of pain then I will be me.
Losing you was like the binge that took me teetering over the edge. The drink that caused the world to crumble. All the dreams of being enough somehow fell upon your shoulders as they were the last I felt I could lean upon and not be a failure. Not be "not enough." Rather I was the ideal. Even for such a short blink of time.
I think the times I sit in this coffee shop looking at those parking spots and writing my soul on these pages hoping someone understands me. That maybe you are rooting for me silently, off in the wings.
Like a snowflake, beautiful in its individuality, that is me. The ability to love deep and hard and true and ache forever for "you."
So many what if's and maybe someday's. I hold them all like precious gems. I tuck them in my heart full of scars. I hold the pain with the joy and I pray for the addiction to end. For me to stop worrying about the standards I have created out of nothing. For me to stop waiting for someone to love me the way I love you.
wishing I could let go of the wish that you were here with me. That you could see, me. That someone could see what you saw. Or that maybe you still see. That the weight could be lifted. That I could feel strong.
Beloveds......goodnight.
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