My mother is an extrovert and the life of the party. She often spoke on front of people and enjoyed heading up many different projects. She lovingly wanted to include me. What she didn't know is I was much more introverted and dreaded being in front. It trained me to step out of my comfort zone and has helped me as an adult. These times on the stage were the few times I think some people even knew I was around.
Despite being quite ill as a young child I 'was often confused for 3 other girls in my small school, all had brown hair. The only difference was 2 had brown eyes, 1 greeb and me I had hazel but no one ever noticed my brown/green eyes.
It always made me feel sad when people overlooked me, called me the wrong name (even though they'd known me for years) or even just said what pretty "brown eyes" I had.
I frequently felt like an outsider, especially when we returned from the east coast. I had picked up an accent and back then fashion and music took 6 months to a year to get from there to Montana. So, I was "weird" to many and I had lost my niche in my small classroom.
I had a best friend (a new girl who also didn't fit the mold at our school, sweet girl that is my children's godmother, had she not appeared on th scene I wouldn't be here today.) we hung with the boys, played basketball, watched mtv and liked comics. But finally someone saw me.
I was so used to suffering due to my kidney and body that has always challenged me due to its frailty that I rarely complained about my internal pain.
I lost 3 people close to me in the 8th grade and that's when the cutting began. I had all this pain, all this sadness and no one saw me. I was just a borderline invisible person. I was smart, but not the smartest, I was pretty, but nothing extraordinary. I was a good athlete but not a star. I was definitely different but that was not encouraged in our surroundings.
I felt alone in my sadness. Everyone seemed to bounce back and I just oozed pain. Pain of loss, of loneliness and of being expected to be quietly stoic.
I took this feeling of "ordinary" with me through my teen years. Often taking on a helper role with friends in trouble, dating whomever saw me, or doing dangerous things in order to be seen. Many stupid choices were made just to be in-ordinary.
The sadness continued and ate at me. I tried to take my life when I was 15, nothing was taking the burn inside me away. I went from somebody, back to ordinary and invisible. Always 2nd choice.
Luckily, I was not successful and I'm here today. The battle still rages within me. Years of being abused and choosing the wrong type of man left me always feeling less than ordinary. Still hearing, what pretty brown eyes you have. They didn't see me!!!! It was all surface.
Sometimes, we have to look very closely at those we are with to see the intricate beauty they contain. Maybe it's th cadence of their laugh, the curve of their neck, the strength in the faith, the peace in their soul or the way their eyes change from blue to green when their soul Reaches for yours.
Recently I started to realize maybe I'm not ordinary. Maybe the light in my soul is intoxicating, the curve of my smile enough to bring joy, or my quirkiness endearing. Regardless of all those who think I am (or you are) ordinary, they are wrong. We are not invisible. There's beauty, it just has to be revealed or seen.
My eyes went from brown to hazel for someone recently. It took my heart breaking in front of them to see it. How sad. Lesson? Sometimes our suffering is our greatest beauty and that vulnerability allows people to see the light in our souls.
Beloveds, you (and I) are NOT ordinary. Let your hazel shine, and don't settle to surround yourselves with those who see you as such!
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