Two steps forward... A light year back

I've been home now four and a half years. Over that time I grew and birthed two babies and watched my older two grow at a pace so quickly I cannot even define it. 

I found things in me and lost others. I discovered true friends (new and old) and found that love is both fragile and strong all at the same time. 

I find myself at 33 fighting battles I thought I had conquered at 20 and 16. 

I've searched for meaning, contentment, love and self realization. This process has brought me to my knees.

I'm in the best physical shape of my life thanks to t25 and a commitment I learned at the gymnastics gym as a child. I would even boast to say I'm pretty smoking hot for a mom of 4! Yet I find no joy in that. I still look in the mirror and battle the voices of "he chose someone else." This "HE" is a flexible term. Lovers from the past, the present and even just friends (the female kind) that chose  the easy road. That comforting a broken soul was too difficult so they ran far and fast. Or that the status quo was best.

The combination of tragedy and the blissful memory of being loved (although fleetingly) paired with belief of a few brave souls have driven me to pursue my dream of grad school. I applied to Simmons in Boston. We will see. 

After being brought to my knees by internal sorrow i found something. Everything is fleeting. Others may not, but I choose me. I choose to continue to pour my soul into those I care for, however unreciprocated or unnoticed. 

I choose to soar. Beneath this broken heart is a strength many overlook. I see the good, even in those who don't see it in me. I refuse to quit believing love is out there. Whether it be in the beauty of nature, the embrace of a child, a pair of brindled and bloodshot eyes, or those who see the scars and love anyway.

So there is my welcome back blog. Here is to growth, painful as it may be, love, and finding the path of joy!

"Do all things in love"