Fight free!

http://youtu.be/JQ7wXxepU20

I have spent a lot of time a prisoner. Once of circumstance, my own doing and at the hands of another.

I've been poor, sick, abused, and afraid!

I won't be that person anymore. I will thrash and fight and I will be strong. 

I will strengthen my body, my mind, my relationships, my faith and my soul!

I won't stop being soft, but I will not let that softness be abused, taken for granted, or used against me or preyed upon!

Beloveds: break your chains.... One at a time so you can be free!!!

Duck and cover

http://youtu.be/iJj5YqjAtMQ

Wow, what a week. So many things handed down to handle and expected to handle with grace and strength. No time to mourn, fall apart and not a soul to lean upon. It is bootstrap time I guess.

I feel like as the bombs keep dropping all I can do is "duck and cover" keep myself alive and the rock in my family. 

I want to cry and thrash and deny all these things are occurring. That I can fix them, make them vanish. Love enough, fight enough, hug tight enough that it will go all away.

The war is raging. I, and those fighting with me, won't go down without a fight! 

 

Boveds, cover me; I'm going in!

Once....

http://youtu.be/FMS0aj2EowA

Once, I made you laugh and light up at the site of my face. Once, I was your first text in the morning and last at night. Once, a glimpse of my skin or the scent of my neck made you close your eyes in happiness. 

You believed in me,,,,I believe in you. It was a dance of possibility, joy and of falling. 

You brought out the passions in me, my strength and light. I lifted you from the weight you silently carried and hid from all but me. 

We adored scars and birthmarks and soft kisses and felt things. We made each other believe. Believe the world was good again... That it wasn't just hurt and work and loneliness. 

Once.

Oh how I ache. That this won't be the last time either of us feel this. That we can smile and dance and laugh and love without abandon. That you can bring my light out and me your strength and we can be lost once again. Falling, joyous and under each others skin. 

I miss that. Oh beloveds, please find this; if even once. If even short, for it will change you in the most beautiful way!

Bouncing back, or beginning to.

http://youtu.be/nfWlot6h_JM

Since beginning the process to move I've been given the role of making some pretty unpopular decisions. Each time trying to weigh the options and make the best decision for our family.  This isn't always an easy task. Not only did we move away from friends and family's but from professional connections, service providers, and the internal surety which comes from living in the same area for most of your life.

Over the last three years how a lot of the decisions we made it been questioned, criticize, or even praised. Most the time we made the decisions and just move forward, regardless of the opinions of others.

Some of these of included the treatment chosen for a daughter, as well as what connections we've chosen to maintain and to disregard.

some of these decisions were easy, some hard, and some of them I fell into. But the lessons learned for each I would never change.

After a long weekend full of wonderful memories made with my sister, my parents, and Angelynn i'm feeling emotionally tired. As we had to return her to where she's finding her peace. An additional change was finding one of our dogs a new home. This was hard but what needed to be done.

Mr. Leroy we hope that you are happy, and loved 10 times more than we ever could or which is hard to imagine. 

Having so many goodbyes in such a short time I'm trying to take a deep breath and bounce back. I've done some reaching to try and find some peace and in some cases it has been prosperous and another's had just lost in the universe.

Beloveds, we all have to make hard decisions. I hope you find peace in yours and I hope that I can be a light to you when it feels dark.

Where are you now?!

As we age we all metamorphosize! But something's stay on us. Love for a sport, music, art, even the buzz of a tattoo gun.

I know part of my soul is and has always been the seeker of the broken. Craving to help ease the pain I could not just see but truly feel with them! I think I almost ingested their pain and made it mine.

Maybe that's why at 33 and confronted with my pain(and others) I literally ooze the pain of mine and that I have adopted from those I care about. 

I can see their pain flash in my mind, eyes of brindled blue, steel grey, blue as a pool of water, chocolate brown, green as an emerald and golden and copper like. All holding pain, all holding a special place in my heart that desperately wanted to heal them; bring them peace, happiness and relief. 

Most of these people are merely a short conversation away on fb and some are so far gone; where are they now?!

Today I'm not only cleansing pain and building a new piece of art on my body but I'm reflecting on those I care for, even the ones who are lost to me. 

Where are you beloveds? Soaring? Sinking? Maintaining? I hope you are searching and finding you; the you that you can deep down be proud of and see in you what I see/saw. 

Today I memorialize my children, all of them! Angels and all! What are you craving to share? To create? To remember?

Maybe today, you can just remember me:) vain I know, but we all have a touch of vanity. Indulge me beloveds: maybe even tell me our favorite memory or thought of me, I will gladly play along and return the favor!

http://youtu.be/KYErtK1wbjs

Haha just for fun!

Intentions

http://youtu.be/kv_HsdtL3lU

The last few days have been challenging to say the least.  Waiting for some important news, and a long awaited visit from my folks and sister. Not to mention the mountain of laundry. 

Funny how lonely I'm feeling. All that has happened has left me wondering why people do what they do. Is it to show caring? Are their actions purely self serving? Do they need me? 

My soft hippie heart says its to benefit another, always. Or based out of legitimate caring. But we are all selfish creatures. Most of us have empty spaces we need filled. I know I do. Sometimes people get used to fill the space.

I can't seem to see some as users; that they're incapable of altruism. Logically I know they're out there. I'm just naive at times. Or maybe selfish; wanting to feel I mean something to those that have crossed lives with mine. Or maybe just maybe they're exactly as I see them; loving humans like me.

Tell me beloveds, do you get caught in this quandary? I know I am swimming in it today. Blessings!

Universe speaking...listen child

http://youtu.be/nSDgHBxUbVQ

Last night was a mess. Angelynn sprained her ankle. My kids got lice (wtf?!) so sanitizing and lots of treatments  needless to say. But that's not the point.

I ran out of my sleep helper and couldn't get it filled until today. I tossed and turned and dreamt a million things, even waking and spending time on my phone seeing long ago faces come to see me. All showing me that the past had lessons, and it doesn't have to define us.

The universe helped me release some long held pain in my dream as well as using the dream to show me loss doesn't have to be tinged with fire but can sometimes be loving. What dreams. Closure from the universe and questions from reality. Am I being reached for? 

Is more time needed? Closure or healing? Such contradiction in messages. Feeling grateful and full of questions all at once. But mostly feeling the beauty in me that I forget about.

These trials make me stronger; a more faceted and beautiful soul. 

Beloveds, what are you being told?? Are you feeling the changes coming? I am...

Forrest fire

Growing up my dad worked for the USFS. Smokey the bear was a fixture, fire safety a must and we always talked about the outdoors. Spending vacation in the Colorado mountains and camping lots.

Once we passed through Yellowstone following the horrible fires in the 80's. Charred Forrest everywhere. My child heart broke for all the destruction and animals without homes. 

My father then explained how the earth rejuvenates itself with fires. The burning opens up the land, adds to the soil snd allows for a new beginning. 

These last few years seem to have been filled with painful fires and LOTS of change. (Not my fortè peeps). What my hope is is that these "fires" are either sealing in my strength or allowing for growth and new beginnings: This does not mean the fire isn't scary, painful or destructive.

Beloveds, what are your fires doing? Are you allowing them to destroy you, temper  you or cleanse you for a bee beginning???

Happy sigh!

Completed my first 5k today and am feeling very proud! Not only did I complete it but I did well! And at something I was never good at, ever!:)

Working on rebuilding me. Trying new things. Finding things I like about me and remembering things I used to like about me and renewing that!

It was cold and rainy and awesome! 1000+ people out supporting families that have suffered the loss of a child. Felt awesome! 

kisses2heaven.com

Beloveds, try new things. Maybe it'll bring you that much closer to finding the beauty in you!

Seeing the pride in my family when I crossed the finish line was incredible:)

Cauterize me

Sometimes behavior is so confusing.

Are you hiding to protect yourself, me, or to cauterize the wound and pretend the love and pain never existed?!

Do you call me fragile to remind yourself to go easy on me? For what has been handed down has rarely been easy. Little, fierce, stoic.....until there's nothing left and the fragility wins. 

Some of these scars carry such beauty. Memories of beautiful people; special moments, unconditional love. Others are still healing wounds, oozing due to inadequate answers. 

It's time. Burn the wound. Cauterize it. Force it closed, healed and part of the mosaic: no slow healing now. 

When a wound won't heal that's what must been done.  That's what I must do. Lose the chapter, burn the pain and breathe deep. 

Here it goes! Beloveds, are there things you need to seal? Finish? Cauterize? Tell me I'm not alone.

http://youtu.be/26EP0ght2kI

No!!!

http://youtu.be/wwCykGDEp7M

I can't share the pain and fear coursing through me. I received news of the house closing. Yay full price. 

I also received news of two people I love more than words getting very scary medical results needing further tests. The forbidden C word. I can't think, I can't breathe I can't logic my way around the fear. 

I CANNOT lose them. I've lost so much... Life without them would be hollow. I've let them down, disappointed them, made them proud, and they've loved me at my least lovable. I can't tell them how sorry I am for all the times I fell short and how every breath is a prayer that prognosis is totally different once the new results are in. 

I feel like my bones are breaking inside me. Tears, wine, a hard run won't take the pain. 

Beloveds, where are you??? Send me your+1's your love you mr strengths .  I need them:

Dizzy

The http://youtu.be/VcswxqZp7Og

What a weekend. So many emotions. It appears my childhood home where I have so many memories has sold:( the most burning pain comes from the feeling of no longer existing. That's where I lost my kidney, my first love, brought my first baby home, brought solice to my heart when things were hard and so much more. 

I got to see my wonderful folks and my beautiful daughter who is doing great! Missing her but know she needs this. 

And finally, today I realized how much work I need to do to value myself. Build my spirit, regain my powerful wings and soar. And that's what I'm going to do.

Take the leap! Try new things, celebrate my successes and love ME! Cuz I'm worthy. Beloveds, do you see what I see in you?? Breathe in my love.....

No sunshine

http://youtu.be/1Ov5CNfkrtU

Missing Angelynn.... She's doing well but misses home and we miss her. This season will pass, hopefully quickly!

It's a chilly and rainy day and I have much to do to prepare for my folks visit and yet little motivation. 

There are a few things on the horizon dominating my thoughts:

1. My childhood home goes on the market today <\3. Necessary but hard. So many memories of a lifetime there. 

2. I received an invite to enter grad school almost 6 months early (may18 to be exact). Paired with rushed financial aid offers etc.

3. Race prep, I want to do my best AND not get injured lol. 

4. Missing my kiddo so much it hurts.

Any feedback would be appreciated; as school is a big decision and I can use any prep tips for missing a kiddo in tx and also running isn't my forté lol;) 

Beloveds, what's weighing on you?? Can I help??

Always....

http://youtu.be/T3RINfX3CeM

Through seasons and years I've encountered the experience of waiting....waiting for answers, healing, love, return of someone or just peace itself. 

From this I've learned something.... Waiting and the heartache that goes with it builds amazing strength. An ability to persevere; to hope for the future.

To believe in talismans given as a promise to return, pinky promises and vows. 

That while the heart aches like sore muscles in training, it is building the strength to hang on, to believe. The ability to swallow tears and turn ones eyes to the stars and find peace in the ache and the wait.

This strength comes with a secondary trait. The belief that people are who they say they are and love will always prevail. This continues even when others don't believe in this or in those people. 

The stabbing pain turns to ache, then to reminiscent musings and finally peace. 

Always, I will believe. Beloveds, embrace the wait, it will help you grow. I promise. 

Lost...forgotten....hurt.... Remembered?

http://youtu.be/HR9m1QU7nKI

I can proudly say that I've lost track of very few people i have cared for over my lifetime. I have certainly lost a few, and they cross my mind. I wonder how they are and if life is being good to them. Who they are now and what blessings have been bestowed upon them.

Selfishly though a thought creeps in.....have they forgotten me?? I hope I made a positive impact on them in some way during their lifetime. And maybe a piece of them misses me too.

I hope they are thriving, that their dreams are coming true and that they have love and peace. And more than anything, if I've wronged them that they know deep down I'm sorry. 

Blessings beloveds....are their people you have lost or miss??

Found

http://youtu.be/tmTCHlnecAU

He had eyes blue and lashes long. A gravely voice and a kind touch. And my heart for many years.... 

I planned a life, an escape with him; but it was never to be. One day, it was over. I was crushed. I loved him; his daughter; his sister; her kids. 

I didn't get to go away for college, being a young single mom. Until a few years ago that was my chance. Now I'm free, fresh start and new adventures.

I finally did get my escape:) but always wondered where he and his sister ended up.the beauty of social media is finding those you've lost... Looks like both are flourishing.... Beautiful!!!! 

Beloveds; wish those who vanish from your life blessings. When they occur your heart swells. 

Running

http://youtu.be/WLTbFaoZuVQ

With all the changes and challenges in my life I have decided to try something.....running....don't pass out ok?? I have a friend that says it releases her from all that ails and beloveds, my heart is ailing.  

I'm running to keep sane while I miss my daughter; to mend my aching soul; to forget as I've been forgotten; to breathe deep and healthy; to see the beauty around me; to push myself to be a new and better me. I'm sure I can add a thousand other reasons.

I pushed my smallies about 1/2 a mile.. I'm surely not fast but I hope it improves as I've signed up for "the run for heaven's sake" 5k in honor of a dear friend and her baby Simon. And this year im running it, not just donating :)

Beloveds, grow!! Stretch! Blossom everyday! Knowing I love you!