Silence is an answer

http://youtu.be/80uEOHRYHl4

Well, as usual plans change lol. Sat down to work on homework, compy is dead even though it should not be. Oh well, I brought books to read for class and have hot chocolate :) 

Time and again I have asked questions or sent my soul into the abyss to have questions left hanging in the air; unanswered. Left with silence or "I don't know."

Oh how this kills a spirit like mine. As I grow I learn that ambiguity is a constant. So, even though I ask I may not be answered, I may challenge "anonymous" with no response. But I go on now. Breathing deep; knowing I cannot always know even though I'm a seeker of answers of filling that void. 

So today I bury my head in iTunes and my book; depending on the ambiguity and its continuity!:)

Beloveds, sometimes silence is the way of the universe of telling you "not now"and that is ok! So, answer when you can and breathe deeply when you have no answer to give or to receive. 

Blessings.

Love...beautiful

http://youtu.be/CCVdIdAOvNI

Blur. That's how life feels. Running from one thing to the next. Embracing every moment of being close to my children; missing my extra like crazy.  Anyways, I realized something. I reach out often to many with no expectations in return but for them to receive my gifts and smile 

I am soft and beautiful and bright. When my beauty is brought out I'm passionate and glow with joy. I give every ounce of me. My love is pure; intoxicating and lovely. 

No I'm not bragging; I'm realizing what lies within. My voice is here on this page. I hope you all feel how deeply i  care. 

Beloveds, make your love bloom for those around you. Give without expectation and accept gifts with joy and without fear of strings. 

Enjoy the song; its beautiful! 

cherish

 

http://youtu.be/TWDE2OB8kWM

I had a conversation this morning that really got me thinking. I am home while the fam attends church as my little Lainey bug has the pukes. I completed my work for class tonight (I am pretty sure). I will have to double check that business...

Back to the conversation.  It contained discussion of karma, and how those who love and leave get their turn to feel the ache of loss; how silver tongued souls often leave in their wake pain and heartbreak even though they never once deceived.  This pain was brought on by the expectation that their lover could change them.  Lastly, we talked about love or true caring; how if you love truly or deeply care at least that erasing someone from your life is nearly impossible.  The draw to have them part of you is too great to resist.  Even the best of souls feel the hole left by that severing of connection; or the vibration of their connective string from time to time. (Birthdays, sentimental holidays, or even just a passing thought at the sound of a song that contains truth).

No one goes unscathed from loss. Loss of a loved one, of innocence, or change.  The burn from love torn from you or the embarrassment of being duped.  Soft hearted souls like myself suffer more often than hardened hearts.  This ache is not bad, it builds empathy, a tapestry rich in history and stories to pass down of love, adventure, of sparks, of regret, of lessons learned.  

I looked back today on loves past and present, on how I revel in my pain and allow it to consume me as long as necessary to build myself into a more admirable person.  One that survives and loves and never gives up.  One who can trust her gut, fall in love at first site, who believes that people are good, that users are few and far between.  That albeit decisions may be difficult they must be made and sacrifices with them.  

I am breathing the pain to day:) but not like you think.  I am cherishing all the experiences I have been blessed to have. Love, loss, despair, and joy.  All the wonderful things a varied life has brought me.  Choices good and bad and remembering that at my core is a beautiful soul.  I will soar, I am one of the good ones.  Gentle until my hand is forced.  Accepting of circumstances and loss.  I choose to wear this life with grace; with love.

Beloveds, forget me not. I remember so much, a blessing and a curse. If we cross paths do not doubt that you may cross my mind from time to time. Your smile, friendship, or even your sly words.  All part of the growing process.  I am growing and learning just like you.  Goodbye is my hardest challenge as I tuck all precious things into my soft heart and cherish them like a precious gem.  Beloveds, anyone, are there gems in your heart? I am always here for you to share your special things with, as we are all growing together:)

Forward

Woah....a week for the books. Emotional roller coaster is an understatement. Battling for the right thing to happen; for a piece of advice or permission to do what I knew in my soul what's right. 

Eventually, my gut and soul won. I made a decision; one I'm proud of: we brought our daughter home! She's doing amazing. Having my 4 all under one roof.

Celebrations of reuniting, of girl power, of birthdays. Feeling exhausted from so many emotions.

A dull ache is in my soul. Of time lost; of what ifs. Of loss and so much more. No words really suffice. Only to say I saw a look in a woman's eyes; one I know well. 

Beloveds, wear your pain with beauty not malice. Be a blessing even when you ache. 

Waiting for peace

Waiting in not my strong suit. I'm a get it done here and now kinda lady. I've spent the last 6 months in particular waiting for my oldest to be peaceful and ready to reenter the crazy world.

I'm anxious as I await answers. I have frantically cleaned my upstairs, snuggled babies,read stories, prepped meals and made projects. Oh how my heart aches to bring her home as soon as humanly possible. 

I have homework to do, but can't focus.my mind is too jittery. So I pray and I play and I breathe deep and slather oils on!

Tonight is my night away; 1.5 hrs to study without the small kids. Must get focused! Oh how I love my children. To be together will be blissful.

 

Beloveds, hug your kids tight! And anonymous, will you leave another Wednesday night challenge ignored?

A victim no more

http://youtu.be/3PdILZ_1P74

I've spent years, a survivor, a victim. Rape, domestic violence, the target for the demon inside two men. 

Granted I left them in the dust many years ago; but scars remain. Until today.

Today I fought! I fought hard and I let so much if the pain and fear go! I know now that you cannot hurt me ever again; that I could take you down and hurt you worse than you ever hurt me. I am ok no longer your victim! 

Thank you Kim and the 4th street dojo! So much healing in such a short time. Reliving the scenarios of your hands around my throat, the stench of your words. And then I fought, I fought free!

You cannot contain me any longer; I will fight!!! Hallelujah! 

Beloveds, fight! Do not let the psychic vampires of the world devour you! I believe in you!

Not a second to breathe

http://youtu.be/7LDrJ5tW-bc

Knee deep in craziness this week. From irresponsible professionals, hours of interrogation to get the facts, so much schoolwork my brain hurts and lawyer calls to boot.

Doing all I can to try and keep on top of everything. My heart missing my girls so bad. Sweet Angelynn has found her peace, now to get her home. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed with all on my plate. Grad school online has a lot of facets I wasn't expecting; but I'm sure I will be good to go once it isn't so new. 

Part of me is now a "Boston" girl as I attend Simmons:) 

My dare to anonymous has remained unanswered. But there's peace in that too. Maybe someday I will get my answers. Until then I will focus on my goals of a family together, happy kids, successful schooling, and bringing peace and love to those I meet along the way.

Beloveds, send positive energy. Together we can #bringpinkyhome.

Strength now

http://youtu.be/Y58M8VFiIIA

Enjoy the song! Amazing Chris Trapper created it. One if my favorites in time of turmoil. He's an amazing artist and a great person!

Onto the blog! Fighting hard to get my beautiful, strong snd growing daughter home from finding her peace. Apparently, it is going to take a few steps but we will get there. Please join #bringpinkyhome and post a pic of her or anything cheer/pink with it on fb/twitter/Instagram. 

My kids are my life. I miss her and my extra so much it hurts!!!

Real classes for grad school start Friday. I'm on my game so far. Bring it on! I'm a fighter!! My biological mom says I get it from my bio dad lol. Never cross a Serb/Irish cross!!! Committed and ferocious am I!

I will complete this challenge. I feel strong and ready. New freedom is filling my soul! I feel the love and good energy!  Keep it coming.

Beloveds, (and anonymous) don't forget my Wednesday dare). Must importantly fight for you, for your loves, for the right and for love!

Bring it!!!

http://youtu.be/KtNYA4pAGjI

Test me! When it comes to my kids I can be a formidable opponent. Today I I have my boots on for some butt kicking. (Just a metaphor peeps).

I will not tolerate unprofessional; find seeking; inconsistent and mediocre treatment when it comes to my kids. 

Today marks meeting #3 to rectify wrongs and help my daughter return home as she has met her goals and deserves that. I have begged her father to be on board (waiting for a response), her private therapist and facility therapist agree she's ready. 

Say a prayer we can get them to focus on the real issue; her best interest! 

I will fight ferociously!  Bring it on; you have no idea who you are dealing with!

Beloveds; be brave, fight for what's right!

Not going to let the ache win

http://youtu.be/yej7_IcACB0

Blessed. Time spent easing my soul in the beautiful outdoors. Walking briskly and breathing the sweet air. Reminding me of my beloved ranch lands. Cows, mountains, and peace. I breathed it in deep down into my soul!  Beautiful!

I had the privilege of watching my kids play. Soccer and the park and playing with them; not a care or ache holding me back. Nothing brings me joy like my kids.

My daughter is finding her peace and growing so much; home soon to begin anew. My other is suffering right now, oh how I wish I could hold them both near.

I drowned myself in books and cooking this evening; feeling revived. I had the rush of learning and creating and felt  alive. Not just completing tasks but growing and succeeding.

 

Tonight the ache set in; it won't trump my joy. I won't let it. I'm unwilling to let the ache win. I will soar; holding onto hope of brighter things to come, maybe even someday fulfilling long shot pinky promises:)

Beloveds, don't let the ache rule you. Don't let it win. You can visit it but don't live there.;). But if you need to visit, the song for today may help. 

Finding me

http://youtu.be/UumRkksN-LE

Today was my first class. Orientation. No biggie. Then I delved into massive amounts of reading to prep for real classes. I was overjoyed they used quotes in one article from professors I had the privilege of knowing during my undergrad at U of M. 

I'm scared but excited. This is going to be a huge endeavor. I know I can do this! Just re-engaging in school is an endeavor! 

I believe in me albeit overwhelmed. A quiet voice says "I believe in you." 

Wish it was more than in my head.

Wish I had pursued this earlier. Maybe it would have made things different; maybe not. 

Beloveds; pursue your dreams. Love, education, happiness or whatever!

Bring on the day

http://youtu.be/zPG1n1B0Ydw

I'm worth it; the risk that is. Fight for me, for this for us. 

I am strong, a beautiful soul, with so much to give. If only you would meet me there. 

But like all those before you; you choose something other than me. Selfishness, pride, work, pretend happiness. 

So here I stay. I'm going to fight for me. Battle my demons. Fight the tears and grow even more! 

Grad school starts today, bring on the knowledge. I have so much to offer. I won't allow my pain to cage me. 

Bring on the battle for me; I am ready to embrace the changes, learn new things.

Failure is not an option.

Beloveds, you're worth it, don't let circumstances or blinded people tell you any different!

Watch over me

http://youtu.be/n3htOCjafTc

Enjoy the throwback song:)

Reminds me of me. A cross-section of two worlds caught in one place. Blessed and broken all at once.

Beyond tears, a glads of vino or a run.  Reaching for nothing over and over.  I once asked someone if they could live with a broken heart. I thought I could. They said they could. I've been doing it so long. A lifetime and intensified over the last short while as i am stripped of the things my heart holds dear. 

How long must one soul mourn. Overwhelmed as I struggle to move ahead, grow and find the me you saw, that I want to see. Fight to be one of good ones. Help and love and bring peace.

Beloveds I'm sorry for all the sad. Breathing deep tonight as I miss so many. Orion watch over me.

Fight

http://youtu.be/sgRb_lfIZ6A

This week is breaking me! Such ridiculousness. Impossible goals, ridiculous expectations and missing my girls like a part of my soul is gone.

Deep pangs of loneliness shake my entire body. Oh my how I miss the strength I once felt. The years of limitless loneliness are taking their toll. 

I dialed numbers today. Why I don't know. I never pushed send. I made calls and never left messages. Crippled by the helplessness I feel on multiple fronts. 

I will not stop fighting. My loves I will always fight for you!

Beloveds fight for it all. Yourself, your loves, the right things to happen. Don't quit!

Dare

I

http://youtu.be/kv_HsdtL3lU

Turmoil burns my soul. My energies are jumbled. I seek answers and peace. Wholeness. 

Blessed so much even in suffering. Blessed so much I cannot explain. 

Still the questions haunt.

Anonymous, if you would, I will be at my small town local coffee haunt for my Wednesday ritual every Wednesday 6:30-8 unless I give notice. Cleanse me of my question, answer so I can rest. If not today, soon; I beg. For my soul is ill at ease.

Take it as you wish, a pleading, a dare, a simple request. 

Beloveds, are you at peace??

Aching

http://youtu.be/LCXg8CPS2vM

Busy days and sleepless nights. Missing my girls so very much. Feeling alone as I dance along this quiet life. Me and the kids.

Gaining excitement for school, but feeling the pangs of loneliness so often. Seeking to connect deeply.

Questions filling my mind. Anonymous; are you who I imagine? Will there be peace someday? Will this ache ever die? The ache of loss, betrayal, trepidation, and missing pieces of me. 

This mosaic I'm building is tempering me to be strong like steel; but so many years are shed while I'm being burned. 

Focusing deeply in the joys of each of my loves and growing myself into the best me I can be. I want to help others; without the backlash of jealousy or ungratefulness. I want my lovely dreams to be reality and the visits to be true. To be understood. To have something that's mine alone to look forward to and languish in.

Beloveds, do you ache? Am I the only one?

So much...

http://youtu.be/9EuVr5t9Sq8

What a struggle! Sick girl (all fixed up); a computer from hell, the unforeseen attack from someone unexpected; the separation from my girls (temporary but painful); and last minute plan changes that destroyed a week.

Leaving in its wake a broken woman picking up pieces alone. Struggling not to reach; reach for comfort, reach for support; for kindness. Luckily my fear of unrequited reaching keeps me at bay.

I'm going to set my tears free.... 

Beloveds, remember, release is freeing.

Breathe again... Thx Sarah for the song!

http://youtu.be/v2yPU5WPwZs

Oh anonymous how you haunt me. Who are you? Why must you come and go with no trace of who you are?! It just puts a dagger in my heart as I wonder who you could be.....

I'm moving forward a tiny step at a time. Fully committed to grad school and completing task after task there. 

Being the best mom I can. Soccer, karate, cheer, therapy, lots of love and support; with my sweet girl coming home soon! 

But as I run the race with the best intentions i still ache sometimes. Lonely. Knowing I am missing something. Feeling inadequate or unfulfilled. Knowing I'm coming up short. Trying to spread my wings and soar. 

I can't help but glance at the past. Smile, and see me happy. Desperately wanting that again. Moments of it come and go. Oh how I ache for it to return to me. 

Missing my daughter. Missing my friends. Has it really been so long on both accounts?!?! Funny how time is. I still resonate on old words and promises. Mine, others, yours. 

Breathe deep beloveds. I understand when you ache; when life is moving so fast and you are just trying to keep up. When the tears slide down your face and you don't even know why. 

Beloveds keep your pinky swears, they have no expiration dates; and know I'm here with you!

Soar

http://youtu.be/KfDr_7LN-Ew

Been a crazy free weeks as we slowly adjust to the new year. Including unexpected guests and a dr visit for Lainey. (Toe wart; all fixed up).

We are all weary; especially me. I felt a twinge in my soul, like someone I once knew was near. I'm sure the energy didn't lie. But I probably wont know who it was or how nearly we missed eachother.

Remembering to soar as I move along. Even on days i feel discouraged or lonely. I am blessed; I must never forget that. As I am fearful I must remember I can do this! I'm a fighter:)a survivor. 

Beloveds, are you soaring??