Picture

I stopped taking pictures 

They seem to jinx the moment 

Like if there is a moment The moment is doomed to be the last 

Even a simple photo of me...makes it doomed to be tossed away.

I think I’ve learned an important lesson

Similar to many indigenous beliefs 

That pictures steal the soul

In my case, not the soul but the flame

Most I just keep in my head, in my heart

That is enough for me

Strange lesson to learn, share less 

Tuck away more, keep your magic hidden away until the right time

For magic isn’t for everyone

And either am 

And that is the trouble with magic

But That is alright with me !

https://youtu.be/8vALk08nmyU

Anymore...

https://youtu.be/KYErtK1wbjs

Thanks less than Jake! I'd almost forgotten about this song :)

Jenn... she doesn't like you anymore

She's tired of the names, the put downs, taking a backseat to anything and everything.

Jenn... she's going to smile, laugh, ride the ferries wheel and kiss in the snow 

Jenn.....someone is going to laugh at her jokes, enjoy her cold toes and steal all her kisses

Jenn.. isn't all the things you call her, or that you've taught your soul to believe or chanted to those you've fooled 

Jenn... she's going on, moving on, getting strong...even stronger than before...

Jenn.... she doesn't like you anymore because she likes herself! She hasn't bought into your insecurity fueled propaganda 

Jenn....she's magic, Fae magic and she's flying away with a smile on her face and a warrior in her heart flying on watercolor wings of hope 

Now I know why

I know why she did it

Why she drank to feel numb 

The burn was nothing compared to the ache of non-existence 

The knowledge she was always second, a backup, or maybe even just an afterthough 

I know why she did it 

Why she scarred her skin

The blood was better than the tears since no one could see them

I don't know how she did it 

Stayed alive when she was fading away

Loved fiercely when nothing worked out right

Believes when there's nothing left; smiles while the waves begin to cover her face and her heart slows as it stops believing in love. Even though she desperately wants to.

Learning her worth one heartbreak at a time. Learning to be strong when there's no strong left.

I know why he fell, softly into a secret lover's embrace. The coldness of his existence was too brutal to take. So he finds solace in a strangers arms.

Love is funny: it heals, it destroys, it gives us hope or leaves us as Ice.

https://youtu.be/0OBMVgkGDjo

Oh if only

If only the words that pour from our lips were filled with love 

Instead they are poisened with fear, judgment and the heaviness of past hurts 

The Ignorant man refuses to move

Where the wise sits back and listens taking it all in to build the full body of art (per say)

Fear of pain drives us to sabotage amazing possibilities 

Love frees us to thrive in them, all the walls crumble and beauty can remain.

Arrogance can blot out the strongest fire. So be careful of what you comment on, for you only have a piece of the story. 

Vulnerability is terrifying. Are you strong enough to offer it? The gamble is worth the payoff 

https://youtu.be/6esq-JfP3Ww

Was I wrong?

https://youtu.be/VQiofgco6K4

Was I wrong to believe your smile or those words that slide down like tequila with a burn at the end? Was I more than just a body or a space to kill the time, a shot to ease the pain. Another gap filler another right one for now.

I am learning lessons fast. Like that I oft choose naivety to being savvy, purely to feel the joy that the way people now operate often sucks out. Not because I'm stupid but because I'm beautifully hopeful.

My scars and cracks and trickles of tears are what make me rare; i glisten as I break and become someone new.

Funny the words we let trickle out when we least expect them, regularly misplaced or ill timed or fallacy all together.

Strengthen your wings sweet fairy as you learn to fly. Don't let the scars keep you from taking worthy risks. For we all fall sometimes.... and more often than not there's no one there but our soft raw hearts to catch us as we fall. 

Some scars are forever, some heal quickly. Either way, the soaring is worth the descent. Whether the flight be long or short, the journey is worth it. 

So cry little fairy, soar, and risk the scars....it's time to spread your wings.

House of cards....

https://youtu.be/Ug2Ki8hpxcI

"You've been with older men? Then you know that they'll hurt you and then They'll discard you."..:. House of Cards

Well well this Hit home. You see, I once

Knew an older man, destroyed me when he discarded me. However, so have others my age and even slightly younger.

You see, I don't think it is the age; rather the intent. Is it to pursue something real and containing longevity? Or simply a fling separate from affection. Or lastly, did somewhere they get lost and their focus landed strictly upon themselves 

I'm constantly battling my soft hippie heart , but now it doesn't know up from down. What's real what's not. Praying and talking with Orion regarding the intense damage one last blow might do to the leftover pieces of my heart. 

Offering my purest kindness and truest version of me, risking being broken quite possibly the last time.

Oh restless heart. Breathe in peace lovely Fae. This change in tides is scary and horrible but in someways stunning and beautiful. 

Trembling hands and a quaking voice. Tears over kind deeds; tears over losses never to be remedied.

One more closing door may be the last. Please don't let me be broken yet again. Keep me safe as I heal, ward off the pain. My life is teetering, held together like a house of cards.

Now

You never call me yours and I can't call you mine

 the words I love you roll from our lips time after time

Yet we both sleep alone wondering why things fall apart 

and our eyes can't stay dry 

expectations without words causing pain and hurt

Redefining life every time we're kicked into the dirt 

the damage has been done by so many before 

 how do we heal 

 we can love each other more 

you shove me away so I don't break you

 in the process shattering me leaving me to beg you 

please love me where I'm at with all the scars and baggage don't go on the attack 

but let me love you with your demons with your fears and all the commitment your heart lacks

Hold me all night through let me help you relax

forgetting our mistakes so that someday we can laugh 

at the silly circles we weave just end up right back

Loving one another no looking back   

https://youtu.be/dyl3HS1xHlo

Forget

https://youtu.be/z8UuSCSm3r0

Wash my lipstick from your mirror 

wash your sheets so you smell me no more 

pretend like I have hurt you like all the others have before 

forget the way I kiss your lips and how you hold the door 

Remember not the nights of peace shared behind your bedroom door

Forget how much I loved you or how hard I tried 

forget the fact that you forgot me 

and how many times you lied

 Forget the way I held you as I cried massive tears 

forget the way you were my safe place for OH so many years 

Forget the many transgressions I silently forgave 

hold onto all your bitterness for that is what you crave

Some day may you find 

my lipstick amongst the cracks in the couch 

or smell the smell of lilacs and hear my name come out

Someday may you remember what it's like to love without reason and what you left behind

Someday maybe you will call me and remember I won't mind

How dare you

how dare you take my beautiful heart and smash it between your cold wicked hands and leave it as rubble for me to mend.

how dare you not listen to my tears as I begged for you to keep your words and you burned them with your fire breath.

how dare you love me deeply until it was no longer convenient. that my dear, is not love at all!

how dare you cage this rare bird by expecting to force your morality down my burning throat, it burns from screaming I will love you just the way you are.

how dare you not care for me in the simplest of ways. willing to protect my honor or safety out of pure selfish laziness.

bless you for your tender hands and dilated eyes; ones that view my dainty heart as a prize.

bless you for finding beauty in the scars, and the beauty in my wildness.

bless you for loving a mosaic heart, and binding it with yours.

bless you for not running when I made things hard.

beloveds, that is love; the journey, the willingness to be vulnerable and raw and forgiving.

beloveds we are all flawed, scarred, scared, and damaged.  not one better than another.

so when you say I love you......think long and hard, for when you suck those words back like a black hole, it leaves an empty space behind not just for her, but for all.

https://youtu.be/BF-nZziUCCY

Today

https://youtu.be/SUFTviF7vpM

Sometimes there are words that stir up bile and your mouth when you read them or hear them through your already aching soul. Sometimes we don't know how to heal, not without someone willing to hold us through the pain to see us through to the end when we are once again hole. All these years quietly suffering as my heart breaks 1 million times and the words "you aren't enough"pound between my ears. Words cannot describe the pain of knowing you were never really enough. Sometimes it's alcohol, drugs, work, money, or porn. Nonetheless, eventually priority show through. Are they on this earth to serve themselves, or maybe to love you. I realize that most often this comes from damage done, or sins of the father. But systematically breaking another human is unconscionable to me. I wonder, will you even miss me when I'm gone. Where will I be just another throwaway girl,  a click of the mouse, someone that was to be sheltered and protected and cherished by rather put to the side like an old piece of art. Did my willingness to love you, to serve, and to bare my soul mean nothing? Does my passion for things unknown to you scare you so you mock them? Today brought up things I try and push down, try and forget they happened or are still happening. The pain just overflows sometimes leaks down my face. The memories of a fragile fairy offering her wings to those he loves just to have them torn apart and tossed aside. Being seen from a different angle today has made me raw, a little angry, sad, and very very present in the reality in which I exist. The rare and counter of someone who sees past the façade, past the laughter past the intellectual musings to see the woman quivering inside. Oh, to live a life not waiting for the other shoe to drop, not waiting for the pain to worsen but rather the contentment  knowing that some wonderful things don't have to change. I will no longer be a lamb just awaiting the wolf to devour me and my Magic. Today I choose me, today I choose to show my children that I value me. So that they can grow with the example that they don't have to suffer in order to love.

Retrograde

https://youtu.be/RSbD_4u4rBs

 Mercury you mischievous one. Pulling in eras back into my life following a full release during the pink moon! The opening of my heart leaving holes where once shards of hearts lived have drawn souls new and old and guarded information to the forefront. Unable to ignore these pulls I dawn my wings and fly forward into the fray. 

What on earth will these opportunities bring? Love? Lust? Hate? Heartache? I cannot read the intentions nor the future. What I do know is that change is coming; waves wash over me as change comes quickly and with no warning. 

My empath soul is worried. It quivers at the enticing thought of love; it cowers in fear at the thought of yet again being tossed aside foolishly as it's worth is hidden. 

What will fill these new holes! What will heal, what will break, and what is the outcome of this bittersweet chaos. 

 

Heart

 The one? The one for now. I heard someone answer this way once. I never want to be the one for now. Doomed to s temporary existence in someone's life...that is not for me. I want a lifetime, maybe in different roles, but not a "just for now." 

I don't love that way. Little bits of my heart given away through the journey, oft filled with little parts given in return. Sometimes not, so left with a hole. 

Disappearing crushes my soul. I search for signs of life; futile really. I am fully aware I'm a rare fae creature. I can bow in submission and know the intention of the reciprocal is love and protection. I can shower the broken with love: but can be duped by the vampires drawn by the flame of my vibrations. 

I have gambled and lost yet soul filled desires for always shake my soul awake to yearn, to search for the people, my people. The lovers, the givers, the empaths, the stayers. 

Pain riddles my soul when I see my loves in pain:  I want to heal them, bring forward the vitality I once felt pulse from them, now dampened by life and choices. 

Oh naked heart, reaching treacherously to find home. Risk your love; i am worth it.

Namaste 

https://youtu.be/JigjU373SKY

All

https://youtu.be/0yW7w8F2TVA

Funny how the world has changed... used to be a man would break his back to get the girl.  All too often wooing has disappeared and an Instant relationship is created. No calls, flowers, effort. Seems the women now have to chase yet then are seen as "thirsty."

No wonder long term relationships flounder! If they didn't work to get you why would they work to keep you?!

Yes, I know (and fully believe in) instant connection and lifelong magnetism can happen. But why the loss of romance?

I'm in love with handwritten letters, slow dances anywhere, calls to say hi and all the trappings that come with loving someone. 

I try to be this::::it seems a rarity. Men are working hard to be "men" not gentlemen and women are frantic because they don't know where they stand.

The era of the hookup is ruining some beautiful things. Now, sometimes you have to just wait and see. This is not the scenario I speak of.

So, if you love them say it. If you think they're beautiful tell them. If you miss them send them a letter, a text, a song, a call! Be proud of what you're seeking. Grab onto it with both hands!

We all love differently, but if you use your personal ways to love with intention no more questioning will happen! You will not wonder their intentions and they won't wonder if they matter.  

Namaste 

Magic

Searching to fix the broken spaces in my heart has led me to interesting places. From the buttery soft fabric of an expensive suit, to the rough yet gentle hands of a carpenter, to the powerful magnetism of a warrior, to the gentleness of someone willing to just touch our feet together, and the simple existence of a long life as a piece of furniture in someone's life. 

I've kissed tender kisses, been swept away by passions, drawn like a magnet, and found home in the arms of the unexpected.

I've had dreams of weddings under trees dressed in lace and surrounded by nature, of sitting on Bleeker and 6th creating beautiful songs of love and joy. I've dreamt of the simple existence of finding joy by just knowing someone loves me and misses me in their arms.

Then there is reality. My best is often not enough, I chase futile dreams but never stop. I follow my faerie heart to all places to find the peace that is home. The laughter of children, the peace of falling asleep with no issue and no nightmares. A life where I'm not an inconvenience. 

I have danced in a kitchen, swaying to no music, I've danced with my kids wildly without abandon. God has blessed me with a variety of amazing experiences. From kisses in the rain, a kiss that shoots lightening through your spine and changes your life forever, and the simplest of embraces that takes you back a lifetime.

Why am I rambling?! This is why. Because once, I heard "I love you," in the dark, as I was almost asleep. And that's when a person became home.

What does the future hold? Only God knows, but I do know.... I will not settle for less than magic even in its simplest forum:)

Blessings beloveds

https://youtu.be/z0Taataqaxg



Over and back and home again....

I sit in yet another airport this year. I feel like it's an image of my life anymore; transience rules all. People come and go, strangers all to me. Even those I hold close feel like facades of what once was.  

When did everything changing become the status quo?! Learning to expect nothing at all for fear that will be the outcome regardless of what has been planned.

Once, I was going to visit Portland for fun. Now it is just a stop on the road of unsureness. Leaving bits and pieces of me on each additional travel, trying to nurture he brokenness where I exist.

These wings are getting heavy. No interest in soaring, even though I should. 

Blessings beloveds, may your travels bring you joy and your homesteads bring you love and rest. 

 





Another set of miles...on our way for peace for pinky. This route has us headed to Reno, NV. Exhausted, bleary eyed, aching.

I ache for her, for me, for loss, for change for years of fighting losing battles. Will this finally be the end of this chapter of yearning and searching?!

I just don't know how much more fight I have left. The years, the aches, the losses seem to be adding up to an unbearable weight. Wings perched on my back growing new, stronger feathers each time a calamity comes.

Blessings beloveds