Overwhelmed

http://youtu.be/Y58M8VFiIIA

Yesterday was extraordinarily hard for so many reasons. Sending my oldest off to find her peace was so good for her but so hard for everyone including her. When she comes home she's going to be so centered and her beauty is going to be shining through. I feel this will really help. Her battle rages inside her.

Today I am finding little peace. I miss her, I miss our daily life, and I'm feeling rather alone as as usual I'm the only adult in the house. 

Being real about the struggles and the history was hard yesterday. Bolstered only by the refusal to admit that abuse happen by my ex partner. I bravely owned the history and that felt good. But I wonder how much of that history and the long-term effects have affected my parenting, I want my daughter to know how deeply I love her but I fear she may not know.

Feeling broken as I watch those around me struggle; pain like a hot poker in my heart as I try and hide my own struggles and be the best mom I can.

It feels like there's an ongoing battle in my life, where peace may never come. Some of the chaos of my own causing some of it is brought to me.

Currently I'm battling the feeling of being forgotten or alone. And I fear to my core that my sweet girl feels the same way.

May God and the universe bring her strength. And me as well. Since peace seems to be nowhere near bring on the avalanche to quote my favorite artist Mr. Chris Trapper. And while on the subject, my condolences to that sweet man for the loss of his father.

Beloved, love deep, love true, don't let those you love slip away without them knowing. And like my sweet girl be brave.

Perfect

http://youtu.be/ocDlOD1Hw9k

My kiddo is 15 (what?!) and headed for a challenge. She wants to feel good, be happy and get centered. She is so strong and a huge inspiration. 

She will be following a path over the next 30-90 days that is going to strengthen her and be an immense challenge, but o believe in her!!

In my eyes, Angelynn, you are perfect. God's creation and princess. My beautiful daughter, you can do ANYTHING! This included! I love you and will always be your greatest fan.

I love you squirtle!

Beloveds, send us all your strength, especially her! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Wish things could slow...

Q

http://youtu.be/GlpiUsJ5v-c

So much is swirling in my heart and head. Some major (temporary) changes are headed our way and there have been so many life altering incidents this last year it has left my entire being spinning.

Celebrating the future endeavors and growth and yet in my darkest corners mourning the losses. The losses of belief of how things should be, who people really are, who I really am. 

What I do know is hard decisions have to be made to better things sometimes and losses (may they be eternal or temporary) stop burning at some point.

Tomorrow I wake as a warrior for our future and for my precious girl.

Beloveds; fight for love. Fight for what is right bo matter how hard and most of all fight for those you love! 

Gone

http://youtu.be/rKFx0MMqb4

Amazing to me how quickly and silently someone leaves your life. How painful when they can't or choose to tell you.

My little one is home for a bit then off for some time to get peaceful. So hard, yet for the best.

Enjoying the snuggles from my kids yet being lonely and hurt. I am grateful to be a mother; yet doing it alone is hard. Temporary or intermittent I know, yet still hard.

Not even a friendly face to view at the end of my silent search. Such a day of highs and lows. Just want someone to hold. 

Instead will breathe deep, mourn my losses and take it one breath at a time. 

Please mosaic heal.

Beloveds send me your love.

Abditory

Where do you run to when life is falling apart? Your love, your family, your God?

What happens when you're left with no one, because it's all so raw and you're terrified to open up for fear your tender heart will be bruised once again.

(Yes, I realize God never fails).... I guess I mean this. My dearest To me are far away, or have bowed out long ago. 

I'm hoping to be near my supports soon. Feeling empty.....

http://youtu.be/UwleDNQGpTk

Keep us in your prayers..

My daughter fights a serious battle with Cyclothymia. So far none of the treatments we have tried over thelast three years have been successful.

We are now looking at a new treatment protocol which will require inpatient treatment.

She is on board but we are all worried. None of us want to be separated; however, this is the option we have to try and get her healthy.

She is a warrior and I am so proud of her.. 

Please keep us (ESPECIALLY HER) In your thoughts and prayers. 

Blessings beloveds!

Send me your strength

http://youtu.be/jp8iFkVkDms

Kiss my forehead. Tell me it will all be alright. A symbol of affection and goodbye all wrapped into one gesture yet defined by the time.

Tonight I breathe deep Rosemary and ylang ylang and tears soak my pillow. For my heart is breaking and I can do nothing. 

I'm alone, by circumstance alone. Yet yearning for the warm embrace and words of affirmation. That this too will pass, a silent forehead kiss or the angry tone of defiance against misplaced blame. 

Orion, take my pain tonight. Take it to my lover so he can kiss it away, since he cannot be here. 

May tomorrow dawn bring new light, and a solution for this heartbreaking battle we face each day.

Beloveds send your strength and love to my precious girl. She's lost in her pain and she needs you and your prayers. And frankly so do I. 

Enjoy the song.... Chris always brings me peace 

A completely different creature

http://youtu.be/LRaDrDPXQEU

A offhand conversation brought up an ocean of memories today. Of people and places and situations that feel a lifetime ago.

It makes me think a melancholy thought. People start out one thing and as they age can completely morph into someone unrecognizable to those from their past.

Oddly this can even happen quickly. But is this all due to actual change or were we duped or wearing rose colored glasses.

I even find that who I was 14 years ago is merely a memory. She doesn't exist, part of the mosaic.

Honestly, I am slightly mourning the loss of those souls that are now no longer who they once were. 

My hope comes that they're filled with new beauty, new light. 

Love, loss - growth and change. What a dichotomy when it is so drastic. Or abrupt. 

Beloveds...don't let all of you fade away. What a shame to not bring part of the old you along. Like a badge of honor; a rememberance of how far we have all come.

Growing..

 http://youtu.be/2byaJUa9e9Q

So much has been going on. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, 

I'm watching those around me grow and change.  It's beautiful, baby steps to find their bliss. I'm hoping I am on the way to mine.

At least I'm finding my voice:) what a peaceful feeling. My voice is in the universe. My love and light are growing and I can't wait to see where this peace takes me.

Beloveds, where Is your light? Your love?? Share it with me??

Searching...

http://youtu.be/MHBmpGLGyk8

Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life. ~ Merle Shan

We all search for love. Whether it be in our religion, our family, our friends, Romance, possessions, food, and even pain.

Over the years I found myself searching for love and some of the strangest places. From tattoo parlors, to pubs, to church pews, lovers unrequited, or apair of headphones in my ears and a pen in my hand.

Beloved's, where do you search for love? What do you do when it's unrequited? Do you keep searching or do you find a substitute; Something to fill the void yet not quite what you were hoping for or needing.

One of the saddest feelings is knowing you love yet not knowing if your loved in return. I've never turned away from saying those words knowing that I would regret it if I didn't voice them. Never expecting to hear them in return but yearning to as we all do. 

Beloved, for those of you who truly know me and that I know (as I may have readers I've never met) I love you don't forget it and don't abuse it but now I'm here if you need me.

Please don't forget me, or abuse my affections, and worst of all do not trick me. 

I'm learning that love has stages, and it ebbs and flows, I guess I'm just praying for the flow to begin; heavy and beautiful, the kind that sweeps you away. 

Blessings to you all, I love hearing from you! So please, comment, email, plus one, whatever your method is I enjoy it and am blessed by it!

Until then I'll keep searching through church pews, friends, hugs from little children, Ink in my skin, and my mosaic heart beating heavily in my chest 

Forgiveness?

http://youtu.be/cFaBr-jKI5M

That word is so simple, yet complicated beyond imagination. I beg for it to those I have hurt and to the universe for those who I've hurt and they may not even realize.

I fight to forgive those in my world that have hurt me deeply. Some of these betrayals were overt, others im just left with the forboding that I really didn't know someone at all and that a large part of their existence was a facade.

So much of my is a facade. Happy, together, and stoic. When inside im floundering, weak and searching for the motivation around me. To know. Do "you" even truly care? Is your love true?? Are your words honest. Was i anything to you. 

I want to hide my heart away so it cannot be broken anymore. So my mosaic can heal and I can feel whole. So I don't miss you, them or me. 

So I can look back and feel peace in my decisions and know I was and am loved.

That not only do i see your beauty but that you see/saw mine?

That when the door opens and you are there, I can let you in, not shut you out to prevent my pain. Or maybe yours.

Beloveds, do you need forgiveness? Do you need to give it?? Am I alone here??

Never.....

http://youtu.be/c5XptSCCciU

Never..... What a final word. It's fascinating in this Fiona song. It really is a promise. A promise to never be, never see, never touch, never so many things.

We all have "nevers" in our lives. Never will I lie, cheat, steal, quit, fight, drink, smoke; whatever.

Agreeing to never see, care for, befriend, think about, love, embibe or miss someone or something is a difficult task.

We see it every day with addicts, lovers, friends and family.   We all have things that we must swear off to preserve ourselves, our families, our livelihoods.

Hearing never can be a release or a crushing blow. Maybe even a combination.

Currently, im drowning in a sea of never. One of my own doing. Time for a. Ink cleanse....

Beloveds, can you relate??

Snuggle day

My poor moo, he's just like his mom, his stress lives in his belly.

It is no secret,things have been stressful here for a bit. So, today is snuggle day!!!! Hugs, kisses and emotional renewal given only by quiet conversation and lots of warm snuggles! 

It will recenter all our souls!! Love does that! 

Hold those you love closely, beloveds. Before you know it they'll be gone.

 

Missing Mae

http://youtu.be/i1GmxMTwUgs

I've had the privilege of carrying 4 children to term and being their mother. They are smart, gorgeous, talented, funny and all very individual. Each brings with them both joys and challenges..

As I have been planning a cover tattoo I've been struggling. I want to include all my children. But what about the two I lost? How do i memorialize them?!

Today, I am going to tell you about Mae. 

I fell quickly and deeply in love with a man in 2003. He was kind, and fun and passionate and had big dreams. He was gentle and took care of me when I was sick or needed a friend. 

As young loves often due we rushed into intimacy. And quite likely the first time we were together I got pregnant. This was a stressful time as I was a young single mother, and his family would never approve of me. Not to mention I was terrified of anyone finding out. But I loved that little bean in my tummy.

I confided in a mutual friend at around 7 weeks. No sooner had we shared the news to get advice; our little bean was gone.

We both feel a hole where she is missing. We talk of her when we catch up and feel the ache even though we both have "large" families now.  

I take great comfort that he loved her too. 

After a year, I decided we needed to give her a name to help us heal (we both felt she was going to be a girl, no reason, just a feeling). So I chose Mae, and he agreed.

Mae was a beautiful character in "family" by Ba Jin. She died for she could not be with her love. We thought it was perfect as he and I never could really be together. 

She would be 11 this summer. I'm sure she would've been smart, and beautiful.

My little cherry blossom. 

I will always miss her. He will too. Just not in the plan..... Love you little miss Mae..

Another day Iwill tell you aBt my other lost baby. But not today. My throat is tight and my heart aches for the baby I never held. 

Fight.....

http://youtu.be/QnXjISlKLuE

As a teenager I had the toughest guy as my best friend/brother. No matter the cause of my tears he was there to wipe them and kick ass to ensure they never hurt me again; even if it was all my fault.

In every relationship (especially romantic) I dreamt of being fought for; Loved passionately and wildly where nothing was allowed to hurt me and I was chosen over all others. 

Years passed, and it a lot of opportunities came and went. Opportunities to be protected, fought for, chosen. 

Life is funny that way. Timing, sometimes the fight comes too late, or just to quietly. 

Souls like mine are tender; needing protection and to be cherished. Instead, they're often collected.... Unseen for what they are: rare. 

http://youtu.be/8v_4O44sfjM

No LA for me

http://youtu.be/Svk9oz3tONo

Searching, yearning, starting anew. Finding me is a lot harder now that I've lost you. I think I lost you long ago; just refused to see it.

Such beauty and joy around me. Sunny skies, laughing kids and a hopeful future. 

A few years ago I thought that leaving the "scene of the crime" would eliminate the heartache, foster the growth. That really didn't work. Now im In a new place altogether, funny but our history follows us. Our joy and sorrow, success and failure. 

Regaining the norm and finding joy in the everyday. Funny how a year ago this wasn't even an issue. 

Thank God for these kids! They keep me going. Even on the hardest days (this morning was rough with one ).  Yesterday wasn't stellar either, but I'm learning from them:) 

Too bad my "LA" is my own soul lol.  

Don't get it?? Guess you'll have to listen to the link;)

Blessings beloveds!

I miss you ....Jenn

http://youtu.be/56IkeAW6YH4

I want to live. Really live. No longer mourn or worry or feel neglected, rejected or chosen over.

I want to wear crazy socks and have those close to me know why! I want to listen to the same song a quadrillion times until my soul stops aching. 

I want to do yoga on the deck at the ranch and hear the birds and smell the sweet air and feel the breeze cleanse my body and soul.

I want to drown in joy, in desire and in hope. I want those to rember me fondly and to forget the ugly parts. 

I want to rejoice in old friends finding themselves and soak in the sun with my hands in the dirt and my children's laughter around me.

I want to be freed from the shackles of rape, abuse, self loathing, fear and mistakes. 

I want to dance in the rain and laugh the whole time, kiss under orion and forget what a broken heart feels like. 

I want to hug my parents and show them how blessed I am by them and my sister too.

I want to have sleepovers and wine parties with my soul sisters strung all over the country. 

I miss .......me.....Jenn; the person. 

I'm going to get lost, I'm going to get lost in finding her, and her bliss!!

Reach today beloveds, for your bliss! For me! Show me we all want joy! 

❤️

Goodbyes

http://youtu.be/2ntKgLxgY9s

Good bye is hard. Sometimes it is forever, sometimes for a week while your loved one takes a trip or works. 

This week has been full of them. I sent my daughter for Easter with her dad, sent  Brad to school in Kansas, and said goodbye to a friend, forever.

I know it is the best thing on all situations.  Brad needs to increase his RR knowledge, Angelynn needs quality time with her dad, and my friend needs to thrive without my hinderance. 

Angelynn is home, what a relief! We all missed her so much! It sounds like she had fun:) that rocks!! It was a long and emotional trip to get her to say the least. It was a great night of pizza and hanging with my kids following. 

Brad returns friday:) and that will be nice, no more school for a while!  

And as for my friend, I wish them blessings and happiness. 

For me? I wish peace and motivation and love.  Good thing I have the best 5 kids ever, so I have no doubt I will get that;)

Fan the flame

http://youtu.be/7Hu1QQBjhQo

A change in the light. 

Things around here haven't been easy for a while now. Trying to get my footing has been tough!

Through my mistakes and others some pretty major things have rocked the foundations of my beliefs, my trust, my belief about myself. 

I'm flawed, no doubt. But there's a beauty too. A light, love and a tenacity to protect those I love; even if that is in a way that burns my own soul. 

A love that shines from within. It's been pretty dim lately; merely a flicker. 

Thank goodness a few of it still see it in me. 

For now I am going to feed the flame. Heal, mourn, and grow! 

Internal flogging

http://youtu.be/FFOzayDpWoI

I'm always harder on myself than anyone else could be. Magnifying my faults until I'm overwhelmed.

Today I'm pondering a few thoughts regarding love, loss, and consequences. 

Was i duped? Am I blind to so much due to my vulnerability?? Where does this all leave me, those I care for. I cannot be alone feeling this way. 

Beloveds, when we are empty we seek to fill the void. The difficulty is finding out how to do that without breaking yourself and others in the process. 

I want to be a light. But feeling heavy.

In an instant

Don't blink for everything can change in an instant. One choice, one path, and it is all different. 

Trust broken, hearts left bleeding and losses all around you and the possibility of innocents hurt in the wake of destruction. 

I'm not better or stronger than anyone else. I am flawed and weak and damaged. Human, searching for love and answers like all of you, beloveds. 

In my journey of pain, I hurt someone else. It was never my intent yet my decisions made had no other outcome, yet I did it anyways. I feel terrible. 

I've been asked to be gentle with myself, but how can I?! Hurting others is not my genuine nature. I was selfish and I am sad, I thought i was stronger than I am, that I could withstand the loniliness. I was wrong. Now, to try and withstand the aftermath. 

I'm sorry, to everyone I have hurt. Ever.

http://youtu.be/Jqps9ZdMxs0

Lie to me

http://youtu.be/8VRuxhc6zSY

Ever get the feeling something is off? That someone is telling you a story. Either to protect themselves or you?? 

I have that feeling. I hope it was done out of love not malice. My heart is aching. 

No way to relieve it.

Parts of me are missing. I ache. Time to heal.

Ink...cutting trigger warning

For years I fought to release the pain in my soul. Tried counseling, stuffing it, exercise but nothing fully released it. I mentioned I used to cut. This was a sure fire way to release my pain. Not healthy! I wanted to be heathy for my daughter. 

 

I found that tattooing gave the same release but instead of leaving scars, left art behind. (Yes, I know what the bible says abt adornment etc). 

Over time I have accumulated some pieces I love and have great meaning to me! Kanji that say love and strength (got to remind me that love does not hurt others, when I left an abusive relationship). A beautiful lotus (beauty through tribulation) kanji representing me (mother,daughter, beauty and friendship), an anklet in progress for my kids and my favorite verse paired with homage to my childhood favorite movie the secret of nihm that I was lucky enough to get with a dear friend!

I have plans for future healing:) a peacock of some sort and orion with his nebula. The cleansing is amazing and the peace following is beyond compare. I enjoy the art and im happy to be no longer cutting. 

I want my kids to feel safe and see there are many ways to live life and be healthy.

Beloveds, How do you heal? How do you release the pain? Pain of loss of heartache of life??