I've had the privilege of carrying 4 children to term and being their mother. They are smart, gorgeous, talented, funny and all very individual. Each brings with them both joys and challenges..
As I have been planning a cover tattoo I've been struggling. I want to include all my children. But what about the two I lost? How do i memorialize them?!
Today, I am going to tell you about Mae.
I fell quickly and deeply in love with a man in 2003. He was kind, and fun and passionate and had big dreams. He was gentle and took care of me when I was sick or needed a friend.
As young loves often due we rushed into intimacy. And quite likely the first time we were together I got pregnant. This was a stressful time as I was a young single mother, and his family would never approve of me. Not to mention I was terrified of anyone finding out. But I loved that little bean in my tummy.
I confided in a mutual friend at around 7 weeks. No sooner had we shared the news to get advice; our little bean was gone.
We both feel a hole where she is missing. We talk of her when we catch up and feel the ache even though we both have "large" families now.
I take great comfort that he loved her too.
After a year, I decided we needed to give her a name to help us heal (we both felt she was going to be a girl, no reason, just a feeling). So I chose Mae, and he agreed.
Mae was a beautiful character in "family" by Ba Jin. She died for she could not be with her love. We thought it was perfect as he and I never could really be together.
She would be 11 this summer. I'm sure she would've been smart, and beautiful.
My little cherry blossom.
I will always miss her. He will too. Just not in the plan..... Love you little miss Mae..
Another day Iwill tell you aBt my other lost baby. But not today. My throat is tight and my heart aches for the baby I never held.
No comments:
Post a Comment