Time

http://youtu.be/B7r08KNtiV8

The battle rages on with my body.... Intense pain and swelling. Fatigue, swollen EVERYTHING, and utter disappointment.

Fighting this body is wearing on me. But like all battles, it will end eventually:) thankfully I have a friend who has been helping me:) I'm grateful for her compassion.

It really leaves me feeling inadequate and lonely. These times are when I miss you.

 I miss the smile, belief, and compassion. 

For now it's just a whistful thought. A dream as I run this show alone. Powering through and hoping with each hour peace takes over:)

I'm marveling at how fast time goes. seems like yesterday I was turning 16. Now my daughter is coming up on that special day (in dec). I could do anything and never tire. Oh how time travels fast.

Happy summer all my beloveds. Cherish each moment, for time waits for no one. Soar! 

I thought...

http://youtu.be/1JTfpBrrd5U

Tracing the ribbon on my wrist and looking deeply into my soul. Breathe deep, for this moment will come and go before you blink.

I thought I saw you yesterday. I knew I didn't but for a moment I thought a glimpse of the person I used to know.

I feel like the me I used to know is like smoke in the air leaving behind a new creature. I feel like those i thought I knew are figments and are bearing there true stripes and those lost may be only residing in my heart. 

All to these at a dual edged sword; and filled with joy and pain. Seeing the world differently is an experience that takes a bit to settle. Almost like letting wine breathe to take on its full flavor; I'm breathing to become a better version of me.

I miss the old world, old love, tenderness and hope. Luckily they can be found anew in other places.'even if just inside my very own soul.

I hope you see me, somewhere, even if it's a figment. I want to be remembered. Like I mattered. Like i still matter. 

Beloveds, the moments are brief; breathe them in!

Dance!

http://youtu.be/lp-EO5I60KA

Life and much more love is a dance. We come together, we part, there's a beginning and quite often an end.

I like to think of it as an intermission; that I will once again be encircled by loving arms. Spun round and held close: smell their neck and feel their lips graze mine.

Beauty in love; beauty like nothing else. For it is etched in Us After each time we fall. What a beautiful thing. 

Look past the heartache, the pain, and your left with the dance:). 

Oh how I wish I had danced more; but life is nowhere near over! Many more punches on my card to fill 

Beloveds, dance today and think of me; think of lovers come and gone, and of the beauty that lies ahead!

Beauty

http://youtu.be/yipoOY56MbM

Braids and bare feet and fresh air; that's heaven to me. The laughter of children, the sprouts in the garden, feeling the grass in my toes and my fingers in the dirt. Nails painted and all!

There's so much more to me than the battle within and the day to day "jobs."

There's little moments of glory; like when I show Benny a pill bug or we chase butterflies. 

There is watching my oldest son gently show his sister how to play a game or making sure his baby brother is safe on the trampoline or on a walk.

There is watching my oldest sing songs, grow, find her inner beauty and strength. Watching her love a new life growing and loving it already, even though she may never encounter it. She's so loving (and no she nor I are pregnant lol). 

There's watching my princess dancing always, so sure of herself and never forgetting her lipstick. She is brazen and brave and sweet. Full of joy and hugs and love.

There's my 14 year old , fighting hard to find herself. Trying new things, finding her joy and learning to dance in the storm. She has a warm heart and so much love to give! 

As I see these, feel these, and search daily for new simple joys I'm able to heal. I see that those that are gone have their reasons; and they may have nothing at all to do with not loving me. I see that we are all growing always. 

I'm trying to see my own beauty; for this heart pumps pure love and light and a protectiveness to be cautious of! 

This mosaic is proof of a survivor spirit; just like my beautiful mom! 

There's more to me that the brown eyes you see; for truly they are patterned with gold and green and blue! A mosaic of feathered beauty just like my heart.

Beloveds, what makes you strong?? Where is your beauty?? Own it! ❤️

Find your smile

My kiddos woke me up early this morning after a short night of sleep due to little feet in my face;) it is easy to forget how blessed we are when the storms are raging.

Boy, I'm one lucky mom. The kids in my life (mine and the ones that visit) are so filled with happiness and it is contagious.! I hope today holds similar joys as the last few have.

As I watch my kids grow and play and explore I am reminded of how lucky I was growing up. 

My brother always made me smile, no matter what was happening. I always had an ear to listen and a fan. He and I would spend hours playing darts, playing 007, listening to music or just driving around. 

I hope my kids look back on their lives and smile about their sibling relationships.! I know I feel blessed by my sister and brother. Life wouldn't be the same without them.

Beloveds, smile!! There's so much sun....let it soak in and give you joy!

http://youtu.be/j54wXPICvV0

Faith floundering....

http://youtu.be/WdonvVZZCfI

As I'm finding my peace and my little one is too I'm finding some lessons harder than others. 

Sometimes goodbye is really that, not a see you later; rather a goodbye unless we cross paths or our worlds crumble into eachother if even then.

Healing a broken heart is such a very slow process. Not to mention that some souls like mine hold that pain close as a reminder.  Usually requiring major circumstances to let that pain seep out and blow away freely. 

I know some can just turn and walk and vanish into the horizon. I don't know how they do that! In some ways I envy them. As I reach and reach and reach for things that aren't there. 

Finding contentment and joy in the storm is a struggle right now; but I am doing it. I watch as my biggest support(s) struggle through a battle with cancer. Smiling and truly joyful; not falsely but honestly! I want to be like that. 

Not just quietly stoic, having to cleanse the pain for it to disappear. Losing faith with every day that joy is a struggle. 

Motherhood is my blessing. It brings unadulterated joy, peace and the knowledge that growth is possible. 

Oh to see the world like a child. No my jaded, not fearful, just excited to see what each second holds. I want to be more like that:)

My faith in love is floundering. I know it's out there; I know it is real. Beloveds, is your faith floundering??

Beauty in pain

http://youtu.be/rvpgxFXRZ-k

The universe is full of beauty. Even the most intense storms carry beauty in their strength. Souls carry on even after extraordinary tragedy. Some, drown in their sorrows much too early. Some run from the pain or choke it down. While others wear it deep in their eyes, if you have the courage to look.

My fragility as of late has caught be off guard. My stoic nature and firmly constructed walls have taken a toll.

I sit in the places where i felt peace, and now i feel an emptiness. My old places, so far away, are mostly gone due to the need for man to expand. 

I crave the peace of Orion. The sting of the needle. The burn of my tears as I'm being kissed with our hearts touching, souls reaching. 

I long for your laugh, your smile, your skin smelling grazing mine. Our talks of history and ifs. Now there is only silence. 

I don't want to miss you, and what's worse isn't that it is that I want you to miss me.  My beauty, as I miss yours. 

Beloveds, your beauty is inside you. Are you aching? Set it free, even if it is in the form of pain. As pain has a beauty all its own.

Remember me...

Will you remember me? When Saturday comes and goes will I cross your mind? Will what I brought to your life brighten your soul?  Or, will you forget me, what I am, who I was, that my tender heart beats love and light?

I feel like I blinked and went from 16 to 34, like time passed so quickly. The last year especially. It has been so fast; lots of things have occurred, changed, and grown. 

I am fostering my dreams and growing who I am. I hope I can keep the growth continuing and the light shining..... 

Please remember me....

http://youtu.be/VT1-sitWRtY

Break me

http://youtu.be/-rF-_4vwiMs

Sitting in a spot where the pain began. Enjoying the sun and the burn of the pain that's taking over my soul today. I'm not good at the quiet. My thoughts take over and drown out everything.

I give so much when I offer my heart. It just takes so long to deal with the loss.  I've even compromised so greatly intend to lose myself.

Seeing your face when i close my eyes. Hoping your happy. Surely, you aren't missing me at all. For you know you have me with you. 

I've broken myself so many times to heal the souls I surround myself with. Or they break me with their brokenness. I have had this not occur only a handful of times. Oh how I need that. 

Release my mind from the ache, the what if, the if I could go back in time. I just want to feel the peace again. 

Beloveds, don't break yourselves. 

Numb

http://youtu.be/lBGUfVuBkMg

The last year has been a whirlwind of trials and pain with smatterings of unmatched beauty. I am frequently told this is "just a season." Boy, it is feeling like a long one. 

There has been unrefutable pain, shining glitters of hope, a constant trickle of joy, and so many questions.

Why is this happening? Is love attainable and real?  Is anyone who they present themselves as? Is this a moot issue and are we fighting for something long gone? Where are those I care for? Do i matter?

After so much of a tornado of life i am left a bit shell shocked and numb. Where am I in all this rubble??

Foolish for believing people will keep promises, miss me, truly feel passion for me, just as I am.?! Searching daily for that connection that I miss to my bones.

Wondering how long you survive. with something that is unable to be revived; with the hopes it can be.

Floundering a bit today beloveds. Feeling weak. Do you have quandaries like these?!

Dreams or longings?!

http://youtu.be/WoeIeg_JvoA

I had a dream last night where the time was here. Where you kept your promise and came after me, hard. 

I cried, as you got out of your car and walked across my grass. Looking back at me is an intensity I've rarely known. 

That's the intensity I long for in my life. A deep connection, a passion, and a drive to obtain one's love. Damn the costs. 

It kinda shook me. I woke up this morning with longing. I have an ache for deep connection of getting lost.

Need that light I am building to flicker into a strong flame today. So I don't miss what isn't in my life.  

Pinky promises, racing heart and hope. I need all those things. For now, I breathe deep. Love what I have in this life.

Beloveds, what are your dreams bringing you?

Innocence found

http://youtu.be/8xoG0Xv3vs0

I stare at my kids, such beautiful souls filled with hope and innocence. I want to protect them and keep them safe from the darkness in this world. 

There is so much I want to keep them from experience that I went through. Or, am going through.

I want to protect them from liars, from loss, heartbreak and pain. But truly i would be robbing them of the experiences that grow beautiful human beings; capable of empathy, forgiveness and resiliency.

For a long time I had lost hope; in friendships, love, relationships, and words. 

As this light is growing I feel like I'm etching away at the hard cynicism and regaining innocence. Be warned, this does not make me a fool, but rather a believer in humanity, in love. 

Beloveds, what are you growing within you?!

Change?

http://youtu.be/weeluzD_hxk

Every step I take I have an "idea" of how things will work out. Seems that at every turn recently I've been wrong.

Too many times the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. Found things I was against finding and then couldn't set them free. Instead they just became part of me living somewhere in the universe.

It is funny, it's been almost 20 years since  I have been on my "adult" journey and I'm just now finding out why some things are happening. I'm allowing them, my expectations alone doom me. You see, I hold myself to almost ridiculously high standards. I then expect those around me to love like I do, with all of them. I expect loyalty and forgiveness. I'm no better than anyone else but these are things I value deeply and expect. But, not everyone shares my standards or my commitment to these attributes. 

So, 15ish years later...same old song and dance. But I'm ok with that. The lessons I've learned and those I've loved have all been worth it. 

Beloveds, what lessons are you learning over and over??? Are you stuck or finally getting it?!

New things to find....

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=u2M9e5lz8_c

Summer vacation is in full swing. That means hot days, rainy nights and lots of different activities to try and help my kids find their way into their joy.

I'm feeling lighter still, but continue to feel some things are missing. They may be things I learn to live without. 

Joy is wonderful. Peace is wonderful. Growth is wonderful. Completion and discovery all wonderful. 

All these are blessings. Still praying for passion, for connection, for fight. For days that turn into nights, slow dances that turn into kisses and the exploration that comes with belief.

Beloveds, what are you searching for? Or whom?

A touch of light

http://youtu.be/a7XJ9poPvgI

Listening to there rain and my children chattering (they're all bunking together tonight). 

The last few days have brought a lightness to my soul that I haven't felt in a while. I didn't even leave my house! But I'm progressing inside in ways I forgot I could.

Boundaries are being set, passion for the future igniting, and a hope for deeper peace is tip toeing in.

Tonight, I savor the rain, the light, and joy.

Beloveds, what small ( or big) victories are you reveling in?!

Chapters

I have a friend who frequently says he is going to write a book. When i tell him a good story he laughs a deep laugh and says that i have earned another chapter.

In my 29+ years ;) I've been able to fill many chapters I'm sure! From a fascinating adoption story and physical trials with my health to teen parenting, abuse, being a tattoo shop groupie and meeting my musical idol and enjoying his stories and a few bottles of wine.

Even the "quiet" chapters have been filled with beauty and pain and adventure. It truly feels like a dance at times. One that tugs at your heart as you watch the partners meet and part, 

Today was a day of victory. One of the dearest people in my life had a major hurdle she overcame today and will return home; healing but healthy. This brings me such joy I want to cry huge tears of relief.

Yesterday was a day of discovery of things I had never known and whet my appetite for the knowledge I have sought for as long as I can remember. And truly from the two warmest people I've encountered in a very long time. They radiated kindness few do. 

My light, beloveds, it's growing. I feel it. You saw it and it is shining brighter each step I take in the right direction.  

Growing aches. My mosaic is still healing. Cauterizing it didn't do it,  avoiding it isn't healing it, running from it isn't cleansing it. Finding my light is helping. 

I still am often weak. I flounder and make mistakes. But I'm searching for the joy and dancing in the downpour. 

Beloveds, are you feeling your growing pains? Are you rejoicing with the victories? Soaring in your own growth? Are you out there???

http://youtu.be/udmoKfofTwE

Woah!

http://youtu.be/AibZ6E13Iao

Today brought special joy and new framily (friend/family) my way. After waking from nap with another cluster headache the house filled with kids and a stranger knocked my door.

I was blessed with the joy of watching kids and making new friends and learning a lot. 

Talk about just what I needed. Love. 

Truth

http://youtu.be/wLdqyJQqg0U

We all spend significant time seeking answers. Whether it be religion, truth, love or the real story.

What happens when the story keeps changing?! I'm reminded of college, when I found out a significant portion of history I was taught as a child were lies. Rocked me!

Now, I'm searching for truth. Answers. Ones that don't change. Ones that I can count on. I despise finding out that the "truth" was a lie. 

I believe that there is good in people. I'm finding that so many times people will create answers to end a conversation. To protect themselves, or to appear different than they are. 

Beloveds, I know I expect a lot. I expectthat  from myself as well. Be true, the first time.

Cry

http://youtu.be/WUL_yq-HNLw

Sipping wine after a very busy weekend filled with love and family. Celebrating landon turning 8. So glad to have had my folks here.

Something they're the anchor I need when the waves are roughly tossing me.

 They see a special part of me few do and they feed the emptiness that creeps in. For a while I don't feel the void.

Feeling so disconnected. Life is changing fast. I'm missing the days that were slow and full of NOT surprises.

I think I'm going to give myself a good cry. Cry for plans lost, hearts broken, fears raging and the passage of time. Seems yesterday I was just a girl, now I'm a woman. I know the light of love; the emptiness of loss. 

Beloveds; can you feel my tears? Do you cry with or for me?? I do for you. 

The search continues

http://youtu.be/fhFadSF2vrM

Finding yourself is harder than you'd think. I've not done much searching previously as I was (and still am) very focused on being a mom.

Starting motherhood at 17 caused me to "miss out" on those exploring years. So, I'm doing it now; little by little. 

I've always enjoyed being an athlete. I loved competition and moving my body. Now I run, and do lots of things I can to keep moving.

I love music and laughing and dancing. When I close my eyes I picture being spun around and smiling and dancing with an unknown partner. 

I am finding this journey harder than expected. Turns out I am lonelier than I thought, have fears I never knew, and posses strength and resilience i never knew.

Countless hours of searching and defining myself. So far I've found I miss a lot of people and things and getting to know myself as "Jenn" is hard. 

Beloveds, I hope you've already found yourselves. That you know every nook and cranny of your being:) all things I'm doing right now:)

Still

http://youtu.be/Rd_Iyf6gyLc

Isn't it funny how as humans all we are searching for is that person who sees us at our worst, loves us still and maybe even sees our shortcomings and dark spots as the smallest parts of us.

Glimpses here and there of that possibility seem to keep our hearts pulping and our resolve to find it forever if that's possible.

I know I've felt this way. Still do. Love is funny. You can't choose it; you either do or don't. You can choose to treat another with love; but you cannot make your heart feel it or stop feeling it. Even when we are told we should or really deeply want to.

Enough ramblings from me, beloveds. Find the joy, enjoy the love you encounter!

Shaken

http://youtu.be/b5IIgxfX9cQ

I know, old song; but this album has gotten me through a lot of tears and a lot of years.

The last few months have been soul shaking. I feel like an accident victim. Shaking and afraid. Speechless, silenced.

I feel like I don't really know those around me as they all seen capable of acts I was blinded to. I never expected them. Circumstances have arisen that I had not foreseen. 

The peek a boo nature of nurturance and caring boggles my mind and shatters me. I was finding my joy, my peace only to realize I have so much farther to go than I realized. 

That I've almost been running in place, while those around me seem to be healing fine or at very least making more progress. Maybe because they are stronger or maybe because I fill those near me with everything I can. 

Even those I know will hurt me have sunk to new lows to cause all the damage they can. 

Beloveds, be you, but the beautiful you. Think before you act as it all has a ripple effect. Boy do I know it....