Empty

https://youtu.be/FiyXZhhqWqc

This little fae creature is almost out of fight. Feeling like no matter what I do is wrong, holding the strings of this family together as history and pain threaten to take it all away.

My biggest fear is the heartbreak my children will encounter. I can't imagine not being a family. My efforts seem futile, but I cannot give up nor be faint of heart.

Stand strong little fairy love your kids and learn to love yourself, even if it's just you.

Decisions

https://youtu.be/qSTF2HEMy1o

Wow. In an instant life is changing and FAST! Decisions to make and quickly. Trying to appease all and also keep the souls I care for safe, including mine.

It is a push pull from those in my life. I'm desperate to lean on strength and get that belief in me.

Dig deep little fairy. It is time to don your armor!

Blessings beloveds 

Safe

https://youtu.be/mJN7xKPE01w

This week has been a whirlwind filled with some very long days, some very hard decisions and some unpredictable blessings.

There is a plan in place and peace in an arena that has been is upheaval for a very long time.

There has been old wounds healed and sealed for good. And the universe blessed me with the right people at the right times for what I needed.

Joyful greetings at my arrival and wonderful times during my brief time "home." A night without nightmares that torment me, the bond only old friends can carry, and feeling safe. 

I got to explore one of my favorite towns on the way home, laugh more than I have in years and hit my favorite tea shop. (And it appears my gift was even accepted)  The exhaustion was well worth it all. 

I can't wait to feel this way always. Exhausted for all the right reasons. Joy, peace, healing, connection, and hope. All things I have been missing. 

Namaste beloveds 

Musing

https://youtu.be/zuZB2O6orV0

Two birthdays have come and gone with no celebration, and no word from you. That is ok! As time passes I have had the benefit of some clarity. 

Some people change; most people don't change at all. I I forge ahead in my journey the pain of growth is peppered with the possibility of joy ahead. 

Little things like peace. The lack of chaos or the noise in my head from the possibilities of hurts ahead and the doubts left from the hurts behind me.

I've found solace and smiles in new friends and old. I have Supportive family, even though they are far away. And although I'm not a master of change, this is a transition I can do with grace. 

I will not become hard or bitter. I will be soft and kind 

Blessings beloveds

Sooner than later

https://youtu.be/RzhAS_GnJIc

What a crazy few weeks. Trying to get my footing yet it seems to be a moving floor! Even the best of intentions seem tainted with self interest. This soft hearted hippie is hiding out in her home. Ya ya, I'm a cancer.

Some people never change and sometimes they change too much ha! 2 days, and I'm 35. I feel like it's been 2 days and i was 25 or even 15! 

I just need peace. A place of sovereignty, emotional safety. Where arms are there to hold and heal not use or hurt. A place of solace. Peace. 

Blessings beloveds 

4th!

https://youtu.be/xOEzCxAH1ys

Fireworks always make me reminiscent. As a girl I always wanted to spend the night under fireworks being held and kissed and romanced. Dancing, laughing the whole deal.

One year my bestie and I spent the 4th on Colorado. We watched the fireworks with strangers and enjoyed the company of friendship.

Tonight, through location changes, lightning, and rain galore I got the privilege of sharing the 4th with her again. This time with most of our kids:) what a blessing she has been these 19 years! 

I've fallen in love with my fierce lady friendships. For, sadly, romance seems to come and go. 

Reminiscing, I'm good at that :) it's hard sometimes to unbraid the feelings that one with that. What is real, what is residual and what is forever.

One thing I know. Real love comes in many forms. And boy am I blessed to have so much love in my life!

Blessings beloveds 

The past

https://youtu.be/cXWbMu4PtpE

What a week. Filled with root finding and grounding and reminiscing. Seems to be change is coming; all the shifting leaves one tired.

As some things from the past are being mended some things from the present are also changing rapidly. 

Kids are growing and keeping me filled with love and joy. They really are full of magic. 

I'm glad I'm finding peace with my past. Really too many years passed. Wish there were a few pieces out there I could still mend. Sadly, that may not be possible. But I can hope.

Namaste beloveds. May you be blessed.

Mistake

Sometimes there are no words. Like when you lose someone you love. Death, or just loss. Both leave you with that punched in the stomach feeling.

Some things are inevitable. You know, death and taxes. Others we seem to bring on ourselves.  

I'm not perfect, God knows I'm flawed; probably more flawed than the next guy! But I love hard and try my best. I own my mistakes as often as I possible and I redeem myself when given the chance.

Sadly, some things cannot be undone. Some mistakes have permanent consequences. No matter how much you own them or move forward sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes people just cannot move forward, or own their mistakes.

So, today, amongst all the heartbreak of losing a dear man something else was lost. I'm not sure what life looks like now or the plan. I do know that instead of fighting I choose to take the blame. Regardless of how much of any of it is my fault.

So, what now? Deep breaths and a glass of vino. Rest in peace Oly. You were one of the kindest men I ever knew.

Blessings beloveds  

Summer solstice!

Now

Then.

https://youtu.be/5LuH0ywYVQc

Wow! 20 years! I cannot believe how fast 20 years has gone! What an amazing experience last night was celebrating the solstice with friends, barefoot, beautiful music, dancing, and energy. And ALL under the full moon!!!! Once in a lifetime really!

Today is special as it ushers in the new season. It also ushers in the Cancer zodiac, of which I am a member. So, a time of change.

With that being said, no journey is complete without reflection. 20 years ago, on the solstice, I became a woman. No judgment here people. I don't regret my choice. I loved the young man very much and he,I have no doubt loved me then. And it was a mutual gift given. We walked together into a new place in our lives together.

Sadly, as all many young loves do, ours dwindled, we made mistakes, broke each other's hearts, and I have not spoken to him in years. Outside of requesting his permission for this entry. 

Young love is bliss, I watch my 16 year old experiencing it and am wistful of memories come and gone of times in my life where I was absolutely lost in love with someone. 

I see friends who have found their person and live that bliss every day! What an amazing gift. :)

My heart chakra is wide open and I'm vibrating at an amazing level these days. I am excited for this new chapter that starts today!

Summer, my 35th birthday, and continued connections new and old. I am feeling blessed to feel peace and be exploding with love for those in my life. 

Even when the days are hard I remember all the blessings. Like sister friends, Orion, snuggles from my amazing kids, and the ability to connect with the amazing world around me.

 

Yesterday I even took a leap to show someone I still think of them; will they ever receive it? I don't know. But it is out in the universe now:) and I just want to dance in the excitement I have for what is coming.

Namaste beloveds. 

https://youtu.be/FOjdXSrtUxA

Warrior

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa8iyHzHUSQ&feature=share

I love that word. Warrior! I feel it course through my veins as I have battled a variety Of challenges over time. 

This word even brings me to giggle; thinking of singing pat benetar and pointing at my lovely sister after having too much wine. A lifetime ago. 

Now I fight, for me, for the love I know is out there and deserve! I cannot settle for less than real after having it course through me. Letting my souls reach out and touch another's. 

My heart is bursting. Wide open and ready to embrace the love around me. Blessed by new friends and old and oh so many Aquarians and Taurus souls:)

Bring on the solstice and this new era and journey:)

Namaste beloveds!

In my veins

https://youtu.be/dGESwIFmOTA

Days go by.... Fast and slow all at once. Not really a concept all understand especially the young.

You blink and you're grown, your kids are growing and who you are and who you are in the mirror may not match. Who you were and who you are may look very differently. 

Occasionally we cross paths with people who become a part of us, forever. Quite possibly unintentionally. A friend, a lover. Sometimes a chance encounter that we can't shake. 

Some leave pieces, or holes even when the pieces are given back. If I left any holes along the way I'm so sorry.

Blessings beloveds.

Lost

http://youtu.be/p0rAkWh6Gss

Damn you Aquarius and your ability to fly away and never look back. No musings, no late night calls, no regrets I guess.

Most of the time I'm sprinting forward in my adventurous journey. But every once in a while I get a pull, that I wonder where you are. Hoping you're soaring. Trying to be the me I think you used to see in me:)

Probably just those moments I let myself get lonely. Remembering those come and gone. A star gazing soft hearted hippie aching to run far away. Leave the heartache behind. I'm not lost I am grounded, haunted by the dreams i never got to have. Instead, relishing the ones I do :)

Blessings beloveds 

Own your journey. 

Believe

http://youtu.be/SgNvWfCMMh0

Pretty sure we can all sing this song. Why was it so popular? Because we related to it.  To the loss of love, the loss of the things we pretend are there, the ability to see just what we want.

I'm surely one of these. The kind of woman that sees the good, overlooks the flaws, forgets that people do use others to fill holes. That gifts can go unclaimed or even unopened.That people lie. 

A cross roads has been met. Do I choose to believe in the past that was possible all a ruse; this belief keeps my soul alive. Or, do I chalk these experiences up to people using the good in me to fill their holes?

Sometimes, we encounter people we will always miss. Regardless of the reality of the situation, our take is what keep us going.

I choose to believe in the good. In love, in promises and in magic.

Blessings beloveds 

Lately

http://youtu.be/nTE4IS0NXxo

Wow. Funny how things change and yet stay the same. I looked back on a blog a year ago and I had used the same song as a year ago 😂😂.  

June 2nd is a special day. Someone I will always hold dear has his birthday that day! And this year my wish of love and light for him was most likely delivered!!! Thanks to a loyal friend and a funny twist of friendships. Made my heart smile.

On the other hand. School is good. Summer is amazing! The battles are ones I expected and will get past.

But sometimes, just sometimes, there are those who hold little pieces of my heart that I wonder how they are, pray they are well, and send them love and light. I miss them, no matter the years past. 

Thank you for the memories. Rocks at my window, kisses under stars, initials on trees deep in the woods, and the light in the eyes when some im loves you :) 

Blessings beloveds!

Still love you

http://youtu.be/4H9ClCcO7ZI

With so many planets spinning in and out of retrograde my world has been a bit off kilter. Sometimes showing the best in me, sometimes not haha.

My dreams have been filled with odd visitors from days gone by in Wild locations. Some people don't visit me at all anymore. 

I've met some beautiful souls along this journey. I'm glad that even though they may be far away they still come to see me.

Summer is upon us. The house is filled with happy children and adventures to be had. Still the ache of loneliness comes to visit sometimes.

Being strong for everyone can take its toll. Better get my hands in the dirt and my eyes on the stars:) both help me find peace. 

I still love you...beloveds...even if you've gone far away. I hope you still love me too.

Time....

I

http://youtu.be/wGbVKCD_Mo4

There's ups and downs through everyone's journey. Building me has had a lot of those. Ha!  Understatement.  Sometimes just when I feel like I've turned the corner I'm right where I began.

Sending love to the corners of the earth. Time seems to go screaming by. My kids have gone from babes to half grown in the blink of an eye! And me, I look in the mirror and am surprised at the woman looking back at me. Sometimes in my head I think I'm still that very young mom toting my baby girl on my hip; instead I am a woman with hair turning silver in places and smile lines. Oh how I have cherished all the things that have caused them. 

This journey is such a huge blessing.  Sometimes, the tears slide out. Remembering people come and gone. Friends, family, lovers. I'm the kind that never forgets you. Not any of you. I might leave a gift along the way if I know where you are, or get the chance to cross paths. Maybe even just a warm hug. I got to do that this week when a longtime friend popped in.  What a joy. Blessings beloveds! 

Namaste!

Not for me

http://youtu.be/ukick72Qafc

Like roses with thorns; that's what love is. Beauty and pain intertwine. One must choose who is worth the drops of blood that come from gripping the thorns.

I've spent a lot of time in reflection on my journey. What I realize is that the decision can be easy.

If it no longer suits you, brings more angst than pain, or depleted you, it's not for you. I may not be for you, that is 100% ok! But remember, you may not be for me.

Today I owned my heart. I decided, I will happily pour myself into those around me but I won't allow that gift to be abused.

Balance is key for me and I'm finding it, grounding and breathing.

Namaste beloveds. I will be staying true to my path on this journey:) but no more breaking myself; that time has passed.

Real

http://youtu.be/qWG0vltPHUg

The planets are in a funny place and my energy is a buzzing. People keep crossing my mind. Wondering what parts were right; wondering which parts were ever even real. 

Pondering what is going on in my head, my heart, and stealing my sleep snd sometimes my peace. 

Lonely doesn't seem to be the right word. Disconnected maybe. Attunement is needed, connection had. 

Is or was any of it real. 

For me

http://youtu.be/nsbcKoRAiF4

Sitting back listening to one of my dear ones play and sing as I sip my special coco.....a smile on my face as I think of all the places I've been in the last year.

You see, I'm coming up on 35. It's kinda strange to think about. My baby starts preschool, my oldest will be a junior, my princess a kindergartener! My sweet moo a 4th grader destined for greatness.

I've crumpled, I've fought, I've sacrificed, I've tried to forget, I've searched, found, been burned, healed and grown. And lastly to quote Dr. House "everybody lies."

Yep even me. 

What I have found is there are three kinds. Lies to hide, lies to protect, and lies of malice. None work out. There's always damage and often scorched earth.

The battles I have waged to protect my kindreds are worth the internal storm. I will fight for them. 

I'm learning now how to fight for me. To get what I need. No lies, no falsities. Truth and love. My love can be so big. 

Beloveds, why do you lie; why do you fight; why and whom do you love?!

Love and light

http://youtu.be/Sz9NN7YucNk

Every once in a while a person crosses your path, with a familiarity that is unexplainable. Like you've known them before, loved them before.

This has been the case a few times in my life. With a few cherished friends, lovers, and the occasional passer through.

They bring me to thoughts of memories passed. I wonder where people are, how they are, and if they ever think of me.  The paths we choose often lead us away from those who matter, sometimes for the best, sometimes we are left with regrets.

Today I thought of decisions made; and how much rejection hurts us all, how getting burned can change our path,change how we see other souls.

I guess we all want to be remembered,longer for, ultimately loved.

Blessings beloveds. May you feel love and light.

Fill the holes with joy

http://youtu.be/rU0pbEhqpVE

Be gentle.....to yourself. Oh how this assignebt be is difficult for me. I'm so used to pushing through it all. Breathing deep and pushing through the pain. But the world is different now.

The sharp edges remains, hurts continue to happen. Rather than bleeding from them I bandage the wounds and smile. For there will always be suffering, but that doesn't mean I can't fill the holes with joy.

Once someone took so much joy in me, my skin; they found me fascinating and smiled with joy when they saw me. I got lost in that. Now just a memory, but a huge reminder that I AM ENOUGH. You are enough. 

You don't have to sacrifice your being to love. I'm learning I can still love myself without you. And I'm enough. Glimmers and flickers of joy fill my mind and mend my dreams. 

Someday I will explore Portland. I will stand on Bleeker and 6th in the city. I will sing songs and dance in the rain. I will find myself completely fascinating. And blessed be whomever joins me on that journey! 

http://youtu.be/JigjU373SKY

Journey

http://youtu.be/1aoS2HI5xsk

I sit in my room drinking kombucha and gobbling up thai food.  wrapping up the second semester of my grad program.  this journey is a wild ride.  A year ago this is not where I thought I would be.  I had thought people would change, or that someone might come back with regrets of leaving my wounded heart behind.  Instead,  I sit hear, engaging in my journey.  Smiling, and remembering, I can do this.  I can soar.  I let my addiction to love fade. Little by little, and replace it with loving me for you. For all those who have walked away by choice, force, or the universe.  Blessed beyond measure even in the growing pains.  Beloveds, that means I am growing, oh how I long to hear how your journey is.  Are you chasing your bliss, finding joy? I was reminded today by a friend, to stop reaching for the Angel Micheal, you young one, need Gabriel.  Heed his words, love yourself! Be gentle with yourself and the peace covered me again.  Where this journey is taking me I have no idea, but I do know it is positive.  Bringing light into my life from unexpected places.  Tonight, I will stare at Orion and breathe deep.  Beloveds, if you can see him, feel my love, and send me your blessings in return?

Enough!!!

http://youtu.be/G8IUpndryL4

As the ink penetrated my most sacred skin, where for years I laid the tracks of my inner sorrows in my heart onto my delicate flesh. The pain released into the room. Releasing a lifetime of pain; not being enough. 

My souls cried , huge drops of pain, of blood, of the ache of loss, betrayal, and abandonment left my soul. 

April pulled the chord long and dark and finally white attached to a shard; it felt like shrapnel being pulled from deep inside my heart. It left a gaping hole.

As I cried and she helped me free my soul cried out for the Angel Michael, the warrior to defend me; help me feel with while, save me! But that's not what I needed. She called out "Gabriel" and I was filled with peace and a very special message! "Be gentle and kind to yourself;  you are only responsible for your actions; love yourself, and fill your hole with joy."

Oh the freedom, I have felt electric since. Free from owning others mistakes. Chords severed; aches removed! Peace overtakes me in waves. Finally free, to feel the joy! I dance in it like a swirling rainbow! 

Beloveds! Be kind to yourself! You are enough!!! 

Namaste

Come and get me.

Another awesome blog I'm sharing with you!

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/10/if-you-want-me-come-and-get-me/

Love me tonight

http://youtu.be/rgmmOXSOYUQ

Once the words leave your lips they are unstoppable. They spew love or hate or joy or pain. Yours spewed hate, once someone spoke to me with amorous energy, learning all about me.

Oh I crave to be enough, adored and truly seen for me, one of the good ones. 

My bones are aching for change. To soar rather than a singing caged bird.

This will not define me. I will grow I will soar and in 2 short years I will be the one serving the people bringing solace. 

Oh how I wish you would bring me solace. Read me sonnets and kiss me in my dreams. 

Oh beloveds, there will be peace. I will find it. If you can, bring it to me.

Here with you...

http://youtu.be/BijJ0sQHRsU

Some days, even when the day is good, the heaviness of it all weighs heavy in my soul. I miss those gone. The ache is real and heavy and isn't even all mine, yet I wear it like a cloak.

I miss the days when I believed in fairy tales. Danced in the rain. Let my heart believe. Then it crashes down. 

There is just the reality that life is what it is, full of aches, even when we choose joy. 

I guess I just believed too long, too hard; I believed that "in love" happened like in the movies. Where it wasn't for gain, or comfort, but rather powerful and selfless.

Maybe today is just a day of heaviness as it has been my whole life. Tomorrow I will wake and again choose joy. Choose to dance and laugh and work hard for my little beloveds. 

Namaste beloveds. May your battles be mild and your heartaches few. May your loves be passionate and betrayals rate; and losses very few.  

Remember, you aren't alone, I'm here with you. 

Wondering

http://youtu.be/TUkL3nXVZXk

Seasons change, people change, the world keeps spinning. We build things just to watch them tumble down around us.

I'm growing, wrapping up my first year of grad school. Feeling strong. My business is growing, and I may have a cool top secret opportunity:) waiting to hear.

I'm fighting for my loves and I feel strong. I'm learning to love. To love me, and to love others again.  

The grief cycle is long and wild and I don't know if I will ever be the same. That is ok with me. I will use it to grow, to help others through. 

But I wonder, how does one forget those they love? So many seem to, that just isn't me. 

A pang here and there. A giggle of a memory of long walks along the river,rocks at my window, kisses that took my breath. A song that makes me thing of you, a high school dance or just a moment in time. You have changed me along the way. I wonder, have I changed you? 

Beloveds, how do you see me❤️

Truth

http://youtu.be/FSoyyzki2X4

Every day I grow a little. My musings change and grow and the hurt lessons. The burdens lessen, or at very least they change. New battles to fight and hills

To climb.

The nightmares still rock my sleep. Tears still burn my eyes and i still reminisce of days come and gone. 

I still feel the sting of only knowing a sliver of your identity, of mine. I'm sometimes surprised of the journey I am on and the choices I have made along the way.

Sometimes I don't feel like I even know myself.  One thing I know is I bleed. I bleed inside for those I have hurt, for that I have lost, for those I miss as they are so far away (here on earth or in the heavens).

Just breathe fairy. Your hippie soul aches as it grows and learns how to move on. How to embrace each moment for the truth in it; that moment may never return. So cherish it.

A year. Wow what a year. Tragedy, growth, love, loss, pain, joy and tears of every kind.

Truth. That is what I seek. Beloveds, I learn from you. 

http://youtu.be/FiyXZhhqWqc

Hidden

http://youtu.be/AtFWFlntLZY

Amazing to me how we see what we want to. Especially in others. All too often we look past their pain, their ache. Mostly because it is hidden or we don't know how to see it. 

Really though we are often to focused on our own "stuff."  We are too caught up in what we are thinking about, feeling, or trying to get through. Sometimes, that's totally ok! Everyone is just doing the best they can each and every day. It is an unintentional oversight.

Some, however, cannot help but feel the pain of those around them. A blessing and a curse. They often have to bury not only their pain, but the pain they feel off of others. Learning to ground and keep that at bay; what a difficult task. One I'm learning to do.

Still learning to ease my own ache. People aren't always as they seem, I'm learning that who I see isn't always who they are on the inside. 

Yet, this soft hippie heart loves just the same.

Beloveds, do not let the hurts make you hard 😘 

New era

As we embrace our talents, or others shine a light on them, we also see our shortcomings.
I have this week been called brave, not a word I ever considered myself to emulate. The woman was right, I am brave. I fight for my beliefs, for my kids, for love, for each and every day.  I have fought out of abuse, out of poverty, and out of heartbreak.

As all my fractures in my soul heal and I find myself more each day, I am learning to love the me again, not based on the admiration of others, but a genuine belief that I am "one of the good ones."  The world is full of hateful people, I am not one of them.

I am loving the sun, the outside, and watching my kids grow so fast.  That is bittersweet, but I absolutely love it.

Back to where I was.  I have spent a lot of my life feeling like the runner up.  Being the fallback girl for a few fellas over the years.  Oh how I still love them dearly, and hold no grudge as they were never anything but kind to me.

Now, I battle the unknown competitors.  Or have been bypassed for the right reasons.  I used to play what if games and wonder where people are.  I have committed to stop.  They have left my universe for a reason and moving forward is what I must do.  Healing is a struggle and a wonderful thing all at once.  If the universe brings people back to me, then so be it.

I am embracing me.  Love me, don't. That is not within my control.  What I do know is that I am worthy of love, devotion and admiration.  I am strong, wild, driven, kind and soft.

Beloveds, embrace all your growth, the good, the bad, the history, and the future.  For now is a time of change.  A time to leave the past behind, heal and move into a new and vibrant era!

I'm her

http://youtu.be/UumRkksN-LE

Wow! Amazing strides in a year. From my first jog to a pretty damn successful 10k. I beat all my goals and then some.

What a blessed experience I shared with my friend. As I overcome so many hurdles through this life tears leaked out as I ran. I saw something today. Something rich in me.

This song is me, at least today. I have these traits she sings about. I am worthy of love. Of being first choice. And I can accomplish anything I put my heart into.

Bless you all for helping me see these things in me.

Namaste!

Forgot about me

Not sure what's worse. That I lost you or that I lost myself. My soul quakes as i find me. The good, the beautiful, the ordinary and the ugly.

Owning my choices. Learning to love me enough to feed my soul. Crying the tears held in for way too long.

Did you seriously forget me? Who I am? What I meant? The beauty you once saw, once clung to? 

I know I did. Tomorrow I breathe deep. And learn to remember me; remember to love me. Maybe you will one day too.

Dig

http://youtu.be/6H288Dhv8GY

Where do go when you ache? To the past? To the future? To the arms of a lover? Do you write your prose, or sing a song??

I reach to the back of my heart. Dig up old beauty. Things that made me feel wonderful, beautiful, connected, loved. 

Maybe I'm that safe place for someone. Why can I not move out of this. Universe is calling. Strings tied too tightly to unbind alone. Oh to glimpse what could be. 

Today i sit in my ache and that is ok. For I still dawn a smile and the hope for better days. Tu me Manques.  

Not alone

You never know who is listening, or reading actually. Sometimes i wonder who is out there. 

I'm weary from sticks and stones. Words crafted to cut to the core. Baby steps into the future. Breathing deep and feeling the vibrations around me. 

Change is in the universe these days. Not something I embrace easily. One foot in front of the other I guess. 

Better to expect nothing than expect something and get let down. Keeping a smile on. 

http://youtu.be/ZI-aPHeUDlk

Passing along

http://youtu.be/araU0fZj6oQ

Read this:) it is worth it!

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/02/the-cost-of-ghosting-lets-be-considerate-when-ending-a-relationship/

Pedestal?

http://youtu.be/_hGdpVvn64o

Spending many months melancholy and fighting insurmountable battles has finally brought some wisdom and clarity.

As we struggle and hurt sometimes we see what we want; we do not see what is actually there. Flaws or perfection, we see what we need to in order to justify or get through. 

I'm definitely guilty of this. Especially of putting people on a pedestal. Refusing to see faults until I can't ignore them any longer. This even includes my own shortcomings. Sometimes I over focus on them others i ignore. 

I wonder beloveds, are we all guilty of this? Or is this an individual battle? I am working on a better me. A stronger me and exploring deeply how heal and grow.

This week has been excruciating in the trials. But, I am going to get through. A hard workout, new friends and old, and getting ready for the first run of the season. Fill me with your wisdom.

Apologies

http://youtu.be/8_5U0M9ErGA

I'm sorry for being different than you expected or wanted. I'm sorry I risked your happiness with the future. I'm sorry I hurt us. I'm sorry I hurt you.

I'm sorry I hurt me. That I bent until I broke in order to make it all work. That isn't how i wanted it to be. 

I'm sorry i love so voraciously and that I give so deeply. 

I am not sorry I'm me. 

Moving ahead

http://youtu.be/nkqVm5aiC28

Mysteriously some things have bee brought to light that stunned me to my core. I thought I had escaped some things that it turns out i live in unknowingly until now. Drowning in the lies of so many is brutal.

I had a beautiful ceremony last week to heals; this was preceded by a dream of clarity that it was the right thing to do .

Now I'm grasping at straws as I'm realizing the gravity of the status of life I am currently in now.

I'm killing it at school, have awesome friends, and people who would do anything to help me. Blessed beyond measure.

Now I learn more about much including where to find my hope as I've let the universe have my hope I carried from the past. Neither gratitude, love and healing I gave all the hurt and worry and hope to God. Now how to proceed?!

I began with new ink :

And now will focus on mourning the sale of my childhood home. I guess I can't go home again, cliché I know.

Anyways. Namaste beloveds. Find your bliss; I am looking for mine.

I am here....

http://youtu.be/6dscsGRjpxk

I'm sitting here. Converse, conversation, and school work mostly done. What I can accomplish for now. Contemplating why I want some of the things I do.  Maybe it is because I have never had them or the feelings that go with them.

Feeling kicked while I'm down over and over. But instead of succumbing I get up, rub in the dirt and keep going on this journey.

Next week marks a one year milestone. I will be here, where one of many goodbyes happened. Sitting that morning doing my work. Contemplating goodbye or see you later and if promises made will be held? 

Funny how a conversation in a tiny parking lot in my tiny town has held such a grip on my soul. My gypsy soul is searching for peace. It travels from longing to pain to joy. 

Will you be here? Will you see me??  Does anyone see me?? 

Addiction

http://youtu.be/A_U6iSAn_fY

Addiction.... Those words echo in my soul.  It is funny, because we weren't talking about me.  But then I think and I think and I think.  Maybe it is I who am addicted.  Addicted to the pain of loss, of hurting, of being not enough.  

I feel all these weights day in and out no matter how hard I work, how much I overcome or how much I succeed.  I feel addicted to the ache in my soul.  To the thought that if I wait long enough in this place of pain then I will be me.  

Losing you was like the binge that took me teetering over the edge.  The drink that caused the world to crumble.  All the dreams of being enough somehow fell upon your shoulders as they were the last I felt I could lean upon and not be a failure.  Not be "not enough."  Rather I was the ideal. Even for such a short blink of time.

I think the times I sit in this coffee shop looking at those parking spots and writing my soul on these pages hoping someone understands me.  That maybe you are rooting for me silently, off in the wings.  

Like a snowflake, beautiful in its individuality, that is me.  The ability to love deep and hard and true and ache forever for "you." 

So many what if's and maybe someday's.  I hold them all like precious gems.  I tuck them in my heart full of scars. I hold the pain with the joy and I pray for the addiction to end.  For me to stop worrying about the standards I have created out of nothing.  For me to stop waiting for someone to love me the way I love you.

wishing I could let go of the wish that you were here with me.  That you could see, me.  That someone could see what you saw.  Or that maybe you still see. That the weight could be lifted.  That I could feel strong. 

Beloveds......goodnight.