Deep peaceful breath.:::

http://youtu.be/6vj01QgJ9pk

I sit back and smile. I take a deep breath and feel it. It is either the closing of a chapter; I have passed mourning. Or it's a rejuvenation of a connection once strong and driving. Or maybe an odd combination of both. Regardless, I feel peace. 

Once in a while, the peace slides down my face. What an odd feeling. Maybe my pieces have been returned or the stitches are finally doing their job. Calmness in the unknown. Bizarre!

Maybe the exhaustion has taken over after a day of magic but it feels deeper than that, more finite. Maybe the collection of a gift was all I needed to find solace. Maybe it is just good and that is ok with me. 

Cherishing the amazing energy surrounding me at his very moment. Thankful for the time with family, time to learn, grow and just be. Few more hours of sun then back to snow, my cozy home and my beloved framily (friend family) and pets!

Thank you beloveds, for loving me!

The burn

http://youtu.be/o_ez1-zIUR8

Feeling it today. The burn. Burn of loss of the aftermath of fire. The pain that comes with goodbye, with betrayal with unmet expectations and heartaches. Of the world changing before my eyes while I stand still. Paralyzed. Living a life like I'm watching it happen

My kids are growing at light speed. 3,5,8 and 16! Feels like I was just 16! Years pass faster and faster.

A year ago I was driving Montana roads to give my daughter a visit with her dad. Stopping in Livingston on my way back. Funny how something can be glaring remembered while others fade away effortlessly. 

A year later we are packing up for a Disney adventure. Still crying empty tears over time lost and things found.

 A full fledged grad student. Reaching for my dreams. Ones I would never have pursued without the belief in me i have found through those I have encountered.

Playing games in my head. Determining what is real, what is a game, what was there or not really ever there at all. Kicking myself for getting stuck in this place. 

Reaching hard for all the dreams I have. Yet feeing never enough to meet the standards. Standards to make them proud, to make me lovable, to be beautiful inside and outside. So my heart is constantly in a state of unrest. 

Weary. Beyond words. Betrayed, broken, promised, believed in. 

Feeling like a stupid girl; like nothing is real. Like a watcher. Toughen up, you have to fight. Search, reach grow. 

http://youtu.be/Tg5zqFZ_Dj8

Now to define me. Without you. Were you able to do that? Or was that never a battle? Or are the tapestries woven too tight?? I don't know anymore.

http://youtu.be/KqzlYTmFBGY

Sonnets romance my eyes no more. Rather I feel like poor William, feeling sleepless and longing. Praying for rest as he feels lost. 

I have to fight, fight and fight. Too many years, too many unwilling to fight for me when I cannot.  

http://youtu.be/Gj-webKdFr8

So, here I am. The same broken girl searching for love. Searching for you. Searching for me really. When I get it right you'll know. I will know. It will be a victory of longevity not a scene from a brief time of joy. It'll be for the long hall. 

No more missed connections, or what ifs. It will be real, true and the pain will dissipate. I hold my tiny hope in my little hands. I wear it like a ring, a sign of permanent faith. Faith it will all heal. That love and joy will be no longer a ruse or fleeting. 

Join me, beloveds.

I want it all

http://youtu.be/vXyCjwGLjao

I want passion. Kisses for hours. Longing, desire and to lose my breath at the site of you.

I want that for me too. For someone to get lost in all that is me: when music hits their ears they remember me, ache for me.

I feel like it has been seconds and years all at the same time since I felt you fill my soul. Since I felt you depart from me.  Why can I not ease this ache; why don't I want to? Do I enjoy being melancholy as you do?

I've been closed off so long, I don't even know how to be "her" anymore. I'm all blood and heat and tears and beautiful aching. A warrior princess stoically treading through each battle to find "her."

The farther I march the more lost I feel. Not lost, I'm not sure the word. It's more of growing pains I suspect.  Fearing all I hold deeply and precious is a facade. Love being fleeting or possibly never real.

I know mine is always real. But as I have been told, not everyone loves the same. 

I burn as I fly away from home. My safety is there. I can hold it together there, and if I don't? No one sees. It's safe and protected. 

Out away from my little crab shell I will be raw, exposed, and have to be ready for the slings and arrows that come with catching up. 

If I could I would travel in time. Jump around amongst the beautiful memories I have and to the future to where joys must abound.

Semester over, awaiting grades and hopefully continued studying at Simmons. What a year. Amazing how the ache has fueled me! 

Now south I go. To family, adventures and the ability to run often (for a bit at least). Pound the pavement and my pain out until I can't run anymore. 

Moot points swirl around in my heart and head. Problems I cannot solve for they don't belong to me. Solutions that aren't mine to make. Nothing for me to do but think, and ache.

A year

http://youtu.be/X2D7BcyxRY4

Sitting here sipping my hot chocolate thinking. A year ago I sat here, snowy blowy out and me tapping away emails about snow boots and lonely nights. 

Funny how my mind quieted when I had so much work to do. My finals are complete for all intensive purposes. So, I have time.  Too much really, as we prep for our trip to see my family. 

One last round under the ink gun to try and cleanse the soul before we head south. I am amazed with the empty I am left with today. Crazy that I would rather edit a paper. 

Feeling strong and weak all at once. It's an odd dichotomy. Just like wishing someone peace a joy with someone else. Guess i am just musing on where I have been and where I am going. The ache of being forgotten still burns my chest.

A fighter within stifled for best interest. Finding peace in surprising places and praying i never bring this ache on another human. 

Now, I wait. For grades. For peace. For love. And yes, maybe even for pinky swears. 

Namaste beloveds.

May you find what you ache for 

A guest appearance

https://youtu.be/leDjbm6qmjo


A guest appearance thanks to minimal wifi at my coffee haunt....So, here goes.  I'm wrapping up my first semester of grad school.  It has been full of ups and downs.  Luckily I have made some great friends along the way.

I have had a hell of a week, uvulitis, kids with illness and all on my own.  I meet with a new lady now thanks to someone I will not give the glory of mentioning their name.  Starting at the beginning is hard.  I have learned a lot in the last year.  Sadly, I think I am even less broken than before but stronger and healing in a lot of different ways.  My body is strong and my knuckles cracked as I learn more about self defense.  My skin has new art in places I never imagined, with plans for more I had never considered.  I have met my gift head on and am learning so much about how to ground it, feel it and heal those around me with it.

The last few weeks have been filled with tragic loss, disappointments, and overall a feeling of defeat.  I have a new view on where I was a year ago and why I chose many of the things I have over the last year.  An empty cup is a dangerous thing and a person will bend tremendously to try and fill it.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of the losses suffered.  Although I get more clarity with the decisions of others as I am able to pull back from my own pain somewhat.  I have sealed those persons and losses in my soul and honestly in my skin thanks to my beautiful artist April.

I cannot say I am no longer enraged at the deceit.  That I do not ache for the company of those who find me worthy of their affections.  Now though, I just look at Orion and try and find the reason behind the way the tapestry is coming together instead of letting it eat away what is left of the emptiness within.


I just need to break.  Like I used to.  I cannot even seem to get to that point.  There is so very much to do and so much to accomplish and I am weary.  I need a strong set of shoulders to weep on.  Someone, that feels the ache I do, wears funny socks, and laughs at my jokes.  Says I am pretty no matter what.  Who doesn't expect me to face the world alone or fight every battle alone but rather with someone by my side.

Blessings beloveds. And anonymous?? I'm still here, where are you??

Until another day

http://youtu.be/5GTbM5-ku-M

Well, beloveds, it's been a good run! I will return but I feel it is time to breathe in and push out and shut the gate to my inner musings for now. If you miss me, reach for me:)

Today was another self defense class. And for the first time in 15 years I felt hands wrapped tightly around my throat. But this time I was taught how to fight and flee! And as I fought all that locked in pain was released. Tears burned my eyes but I never let it stop me. It was like I had wings!!! I won't ever be that scared little girl again. (As I was only a girl of 18,19)

I am now a strong woman. I know you cannot hurt me anymore! I plan to keep learning and attending any of these that come up. I can feel my soul and body growing and learning. Amazing.

"Scrapping" with Annie was awesome. She's a strong and inspiration woman. I felt bad, I made her bleed:/ but we had laughs and I worked my ass off with her and the other senseis. Still feeling so good! Freedom, it may be a drug!

So, blessings senseis! You are amazing! My girls and I won't be taken easily. 

Returning to the original statement. Beloveds, I have opened my soul wide for you all; it is time now to ponder my growth and my path. Please know I am here for any who need me. Please don't forget me. I won't forget you! You can find me if you need me. If not through the Internet world than at my weekly coffee break. Wednesdays 6:30-8 in my little place in the world.

Your soft hearted gyspy hippie!

Jenn - the gookedist mommy of all.

Tomorrow....

http://youtu.be/zY9es8R4PD4

Well beloveds, tomorrow will be my last post for a while. Wearing my heart and pain on my sleeve is for another time:)

I've fought long and hard and come up empty handed. So, I will make peace with the current and pray for answers from the universe, pinky swears to be kept, and for a love that sees this hippie gypsy with a heart worth fighting for.

I hope this finds you all soaring and thriving. If you are aching reach and I will be there. Rheumenating will do me no good but to hold on to tears and hope. 

Anonymous does not exist, as far as I can see:) you all know where to find me. Phone, text, or my little coffee shop on Wednesday nights:)

Blessings beloveds, see you tomorrow for a farewell!

Breathe in and release!

I

http://youtu.be/X2D7BcyxRY4

After my awesome night run last night I gazed at the stars. My precious Orion, and all the other glittering beauties.

I took deep breaths and sipped my wine and let all my tears flow like rain.

Oh the release. After being blessed today to speak with my sister in law to sort out my pull I feel like I can breathe again. I have reached to all I love that i feared were hurting and that's all I can do. 

So now I refocus. School is amazing, learning lots and getting A's so far. Kids are thriving and my home is as in order as it ever will be. I will have all my 5 this weekend and free my Demons Sunday as I take my second of two self defense classes. What a rush! 

I will run again tonight. Stomp out more pain into the ground. I will stop searching and let the universe answer what need be and let the rest leave.

Learning about my gift is a challenge yet explains so much. The pain is gone. The love is not. 

Now to focus on the task at hand. :)

Blessings beloveds, enjoy the song, it is great for running!

Living with a broken heart...

http://youtu.be/i85AnH1gMT4

Sleepless nights and days filled with trepidation and the sting of energies telling me something is wrong; very wrong.

That someone I love is hurting. I've reached far and wide with no answer. I'm praying my lovely Haley will help me sort it out. 

I feel as if I'm living with a broken heart. Funny, I once asked someone if they could live with a broken heart, and they said yes and so did I. (Fully knowing that heartbreak was the most probable outcome as the connection was fierce and instant ). Now that I live with one and more so everyday that these energies plague me; I'm not so sure I can.

I'm oozing pain, but it isn't mine. Someone please tell me I'm not alone. Tell me how to end this ache. 

For now I will don my sneakers and run like hell. I will keep the tears at bay. Drink a glass or two of vino and pray my beloveds are safe, and that I will find answers. 

Please reach, tell me if it is you. Take this from me and know I will ease your pain in return. 

A pull so strong

http://youtu.be/TWDE2OB8kWM

An energy so strong had me crying myself to sleep last night, those around me feel it tugging at my soul... ..

My life is peaceful for a brief moment. My school work is done, I'm not drowning. Yet I cannot shake this tugging at my soul. It is consuming me; trying to find you, the one calling to me. Where are you? What can I do for you? I would do most anything to end this ache. Like it is pulling at the stitches of my mosaic armor. Hoping the universe will reveal to me what is causing this, for I don't know how much I can survive. I'm strong but my soft soul is my weakness and its crumbling. I want to love, to dance to bring peace to this ache by fulfilling it; not by the one sending it vanishing. 

I am losing sleep like the one in Shakespearean sonnets who couldn't be near his love. 

Beloveds, if you are calling I will answer. 

Pull of energy

http://youtu.be/pILkm4TLGCc

Unblocked. Maybe it means nothing; maybe it does. Maybe I will never ever know. And I will breathe deep and know that is ok.

I am soaring! First grade in, 100%! Keeping caught up on my work, my kids and my house. I even find time to workout and breathe a bit. 

Tonight I return to my little coffee shop in my little town in the shire hahaha. I will sip my hot chocolate and do my studies and hope this time anonymous appears. 

I've been feeling the pull of an energy reaching for me. I would gladly help if I knew exactly whom it was. 

Until then I send love into the universe take some if you need it:)

Today I smile; my little family is all together and my kids are thriving. What blessings they are. 

Beloveds, smile, believe in yourself and know I believe in you too.

Wanderlust

http://youtu.be/7yg05svXp98

Unconventional am I. A black sense of humor, a love for super heroes, naps, football, and tattoos. Gentle whispers, hot coco, adventures and learning. I don't fix my hair every day and I'm a hippie at heart. Wandering soul and all:

Some cultures would fear my soul might be taken or Illness caused by my wanderlust. It isn't a craving for new surrounding but an urge to find where I fit.

There have been a few blissful times where I thought I had found it; but then it was gone. So I wander more. Not lost but searching. 

I never respond to things as the general public may for I am an old soul with deep feelings and a tender heart wrapped in my mosaic armour. 

Beloveds, who are you, the real you? 

Feel you

http://youtu.be/TFAwW34LcTM

How do you measure succes? Is it in dollar signs, comforts, family, or toys? Is it in the weight in a scale or the size of your jeans? Or is it deep wishing your being.

My soul measures it in moments. Small successes, justice, hard work, growth and flickers of love.

I feel the energies around me. I almost feel like my soul is that if a gipsy; wandering forever to find what quenches my thirst. 

I am parched, starved, emeciated. Dying for lack of love of connection. Wishing only to see that affection in your eyes. The one that's gone now. To feel your energy when you're heart is near mine. But you are far away from me. Or I'm far away from everyone. 

Beloveds, what quenches you when you are parched and lonely?

Deeply

http://youtu.be/99SAzO1fidA

I tell myself I'm not lonely, that I'm complete. I tell myself I don't ache to belong somewhere. That I don't need to be called baby, adored or admired.

I am finding my voice again. Gaining strength and healing from the years of being bullied. Another round of self defense next week to cauterize those wounds.

Feeding my craving for knowledge on my studies; even with all the technical frustrations :/ stupid internet. 

Just deeply sad. Wanting to feel connected and understood. To feel again, like a woman. 

I will fight, for me, to feel whole. I will breathe deep and dream; maybe love will find me there.

Tomorrow I will get hot chocolate and utilize useful internet at the city brew lol: screw you century link.

Beloveds, don't let the melancholy win.

Musings in the rain

https://youtu.be/NGL9LMvbWKE

Seems like I'm always behind the times.  I run my home very much like my parents did.  Chores, modesty, and honesty.  We help eachother, we work hard and we spend time together.  Board games, movie nights, and homework.  

I hold onto sentimental things. The memory of a scent, a word, a promise.  All these things can be fleeting yet I cannot let them go.  I take them at face value and tuck them into my little mosaic heart for safe keeping.

I can close my eyes and remember what I wore on my first "date," smell my first loves smell, taste the kiss of a love come and gone, see the look in someones eyes as their soul and mine met.  

I wish i could leave some things behind.  Stupidly I miss people who have forgotten I exist. I reach to grab onto what I had even though it has already blown away into the wind. I ache for yesterdays, for past victories, or a second chance to do things right or differently.  Take back words that hurt, say goodbye to those who are gone forever. Be kinder, more forgiving, more understanding.

This tender soul is deep pool of feelings new and old, love that burns for eternity and bile that burns my throat for those who have scorned me or those I love. This soul believes in love at first sight, in pinky promises, in somedays.  

Maybe if I stopped worrying if you are out there, and forgot you then maybe you would come find me. Maybe if I stopped daring you "anonymous" you would show your face.  If I stopped aching for your love you would give it willingly.  So many what ifs, or could haves, should haves.

All I can say for certain is the rain has made me melancholy.  A night by the fire tucked in tight with the kids will remedy this I am sure.  I turned in my first grad school paper today and I'm sure I am worried about that; new school new standards and I am waiting to see where I fall talent wise.  Funny how school is always the same no matter the age; we all just want to succeed. 

Beloveds, do you wish you weren't feeling alone sometimes? That someone would fight for you, reach for you, fall for you?? That you would be powerful, or well spoken, or unafraid? I know I have wished all these things. Love deep, for love can heal anything.

Silence is an answer

http://youtu.be/80uEOHRYHl4

Well, as usual plans change lol. Sat down to work on homework, compy is dead even though it should not be. Oh well, I brought books to read for class and have hot chocolate :) 

Time and again I have asked questions or sent my soul into the abyss to have questions left hanging in the air; unanswered. Left with silence or "I don't know."

Oh how this kills a spirit like mine. As I grow I learn that ambiguity is a constant. So, even though I ask I may not be answered, I may challenge "anonymous" with no response. But I go on now. Breathing deep; knowing I cannot always know even though I'm a seeker of answers of filling that void. 

So today I bury my head in iTunes and my book; depending on the ambiguity and its continuity!:)

Beloveds, sometimes silence is the way of the universe of telling you "not now"and that is ok! So, answer when you can and breathe deeply when you have no answer to give or to receive. 

Blessings.

Love...beautiful

http://youtu.be/CCVdIdAOvNI

Blur. That's how life feels. Running from one thing to the next. Embracing every moment of being close to my children; missing my extra like crazy.  Anyways, I realized something. I reach out often to many with no expectations in return but for them to receive my gifts and smile 

I am soft and beautiful and bright. When my beauty is brought out I'm passionate and glow with joy. I give every ounce of me. My love is pure; intoxicating and lovely. 

No I'm not bragging; I'm realizing what lies within. My voice is here on this page. I hope you all feel how deeply i  care. 

Beloveds, make your love bloom for those around you. Give without expectation and accept gifts with joy and without fear of strings. 

Enjoy the song; its beautiful! 

cherish

 

http://youtu.be/TWDE2OB8kWM

I had a conversation this morning that really got me thinking. I am home while the fam attends church as my little Lainey bug has the pukes. I completed my work for class tonight (I am pretty sure). I will have to double check that business...

Back to the conversation.  It contained discussion of karma, and how those who love and leave get their turn to feel the ache of loss; how silver tongued souls often leave in their wake pain and heartbreak even though they never once deceived.  This pain was brought on by the expectation that their lover could change them.  Lastly, we talked about love or true caring; how if you love truly or deeply care at least that erasing someone from your life is nearly impossible.  The draw to have them part of you is too great to resist.  Even the best of souls feel the hole left by that severing of connection; or the vibration of their connective string from time to time. (Birthdays, sentimental holidays, or even just a passing thought at the sound of a song that contains truth).

No one goes unscathed from loss. Loss of a loved one, of innocence, or change.  The burn from love torn from you or the embarrassment of being duped.  Soft hearted souls like myself suffer more often than hardened hearts.  This ache is not bad, it builds empathy, a tapestry rich in history and stories to pass down of love, adventure, of sparks, of regret, of lessons learned.  

I looked back today on loves past and present, on how I revel in my pain and allow it to consume me as long as necessary to build myself into a more admirable person.  One that survives and loves and never gives up.  One who can trust her gut, fall in love at first site, who believes that people are good, that users are few and far between.  That albeit decisions may be difficult they must be made and sacrifices with them.  

I am breathing the pain to day:) but not like you think.  I am cherishing all the experiences I have been blessed to have. Love, loss, despair, and joy.  All the wonderful things a varied life has brought me.  Choices good and bad and remembering that at my core is a beautiful soul.  I will soar, I am one of the good ones.  Gentle until my hand is forced.  Accepting of circumstances and loss.  I choose to wear this life with grace; with love.

Beloveds, forget me not. I remember so much, a blessing and a curse. If we cross paths do not doubt that you may cross my mind from time to time. Your smile, friendship, or even your sly words.  All part of the growing process.  I am growing and learning just like you.  Goodbye is my hardest challenge as I tuck all precious things into my soft heart and cherish them like a precious gem.  Beloveds, anyone, are there gems in your heart? I am always here for you to share your special things with, as we are all growing together:)

Forward

Woah....a week for the books. Emotional roller coaster is an understatement. Battling for the right thing to happen; for a piece of advice or permission to do what I knew in my soul what's right. 

Eventually, my gut and soul won. I made a decision; one I'm proud of: we brought our daughter home! She's doing amazing. Having my 4 all under one roof.

Celebrations of reuniting, of girl power, of birthdays. Feeling exhausted from so many emotions.

A dull ache is in my soul. Of time lost; of what ifs. Of loss and so much more. No words really suffice. Only to say I saw a look in a woman's eyes; one I know well. 

Beloveds, wear your pain with beauty not malice. Be a blessing even when you ache. 

Waiting for peace

Waiting in not my strong suit. I'm a get it done here and now kinda lady. I've spent the last 6 months in particular waiting for my oldest to be peaceful and ready to reenter the crazy world.

I'm anxious as I await answers. I have frantically cleaned my upstairs, snuggled babies,read stories, prepped meals and made projects. Oh how my heart aches to bring her home as soon as humanly possible. 

I have homework to do, but can't focus.my mind is too jittery. So I pray and I play and I breathe deep and slather oils on!

Tonight is my night away; 1.5 hrs to study without the small kids. Must get focused! Oh how I love my children. To be together will be blissful.

 

Beloveds, hug your kids tight! And anonymous, will you leave another Wednesday night challenge ignored?

A victim no more

http://youtu.be/3PdILZ_1P74

I've spent years, a survivor, a victim. Rape, domestic violence, the target for the demon inside two men. 

Granted I left them in the dust many years ago; but scars remain. Until today.

Today I fought! I fought hard and I let so much if the pain and fear go! I know now that you cannot hurt me ever again; that I could take you down and hurt you worse than you ever hurt me. I am ok no longer your victim! 

Thank you Kim and the 4th street dojo! So much healing in such a short time. Reliving the scenarios of your hands around my throat, the stench of your words. And then I fought, I fought free!

You cannot contain me any longer; I will fight!!! Hallelujah! 

Beloveds, fight! Do not let the psychic vampires of the world devour you! I believe in you!

Not a second to breathe

http://youtu.be/7LDrJ5tW-bc

Knee deep in craziness this week. From irresponsible professionals, hours of interrogation to get the facts, so much schoolwork my brain hurts and lawyer calls to boot.

Doing all I can to try and keep on top of everything. My heart missing my girls so bad. Sweet Angelynn has found her peace, now to get her home. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed with all on my plate. Grad school online has a lot of facets I wasn't expecting; but I'm sure I will be good to go once it isn't so new. 

Part of me is now a "Boston" girl as I attend Simmons:) 

My dare to anonymous has remained unanswered. But there's peace in that too. Maybe someday I will get my answers. Until then I will focus on my goals of a family together, happy kids, successful schooling, and bringing peace and love to those I meet along the way.

Beloveds, send positive energy. Together we can #bringpinkyhome.

Strength now

http://youtu.be/Y58M8VFiIIA

Enjoy the song! Amazing Chris Trapper created it. One if my favorites in time of turmoil. He's an amazing artist and a great person!

Onto the blog! Fighting hard to get my beautiful, strong snd growing daughter home from finding her peace. Apparently, it is going to take a few steps but we will get there. Please join #bringpinkyhome and post a pic of her or anything cheer/pink with it on fb/twitter/Instagram. 

My kids are my life. I miss her and my extra so much it hurts!!!

Real classes for grad school start Friday. I'm on my game so far. Bring it on! I'm a fighter!! My biological mom says I get it from my bio dad lol. Never cross a Serb/Irish cross!!! Committed and ferocious am I!

I will complete this challenge. I feel strong and ready. New freedom is filling my soul! I feel the love and good energy!  Keep it coming.

Beloveds, (and anonymous) don't forget my Wednesday dare). Must importantly fight for you, for your loves, for the right and for love!

Bring it!!!

http://youtu.be/KtNYA4pAGjI

Test me! When it comes to my kids I can be a formidable opponent. Today I I have my boots on for some butt kicking. (Just a metaphor peeps).

I will not tolerate unprofessional; find seeking; inconsistent and mediocre treatment when it comes to my kids. 

Today marks meeting #3 to rectify wrongs and help my daughter return home as she has met her goals and deserves that. I have begged her father to be on board (waiting for a response), her private therapist and facility therapist agree she's ready. 

Say a prayer we can get them to focus on the real issue; her best interest! 

I will fight ferociously!  Bring it on; you have no idea who you are dealing with!

Beloveds; be brave, fight for what's right!

Not going to let the ache win

http://youtu.be/yej7_IcACB0

Blessed. Time spent easing my soul in the beautiful outdoors. Walking briskly and breathing the sweet air. Reminding me of my beloved ranch lands. Cows, mountains, and peace. I breathed it in deep down into my soul!  Beautiful!

I had the privilege of watching my kids play. Soccer and the park and playing with them; not a care or ache holding me back. Nothing brings me joy like my kids.

My daughter is finding her peace and growing so much; home soon to begin anew. My other is suffering right now, oh how I wish I could hold them both near.

I drowned myself in books and cooking this evening; feeling revived. I had the rush of learning and creating and felt  alive. Not just completing tasks but growing and succeeding.

 

Tonight the ache set in; it won't trump my joy. I won't let it. I'm unwilling to let the ache win. I will soar; holding onto hope of brighter things to come, maybe even someday fulfilling long shot pinky promises:)

Beloveds, don't let the ache rule you. Don't let it win. You can visit it but don't live there.;). But if you need to visit, the song for today may help. 

Finding me

http://youtu.be/UumRkksN-LE

Today was my first class. Orientation. No biggie. Then I delved into massive amounts of reading to prep for real classes. I was overjoyed they used quotes in one article from professors I had the privilege of knowing during my undergrad at U of M. 

I'm scared but excited. This is going to be a huge endeavor. I know I can do this! Just re-engaging in school is an endeavor! 

I believe in me albeit overwhelmed. A quiet voice says "I believe in you." 

Wish it was more than in my head.

Wish I had pursued this earlier. Maybe it would have made things different; maybe not. 

Beloveds; pursue your dreams. Love, education, happiness or whatever!

Bring on the day

http://youtu.be/zPG1n1B0Ydw

I'm worth it; the risk that is. Fight for me, for this for us. 

I am strong, a beautiful soul, with so much to give. If only you would meet me there. 

But like all those before you; you choose something other than me. Selfishness, pride, work, pretend happiness. 

So here I stay. I'm going to fight for me. Battle my demons. Fight the tears and grow even more! 

Grad school starts today, bring on the knowledge. I have so much to offer. I won't allow my pain to cage me. 

Bring on the battle for me; I am ready to embrace the changes, learn new things.

Failure is not an option.

Beloveds, you're worth it, don't let circumstances or blinded people tell you any different!

Watch over me

http://youtu.be/n3htOCjafTc

Enjoy the throwback song:)

Reminds me of me. A cross-section of two worlds caught in one place. Blessed and broken all at once.

Beyond tears, a glads of vino or a run.  Reaching for nothing over and over.  I once asked someone if they could live with a broken heart. I thought I could. They said they could. I've been doing it so long. A lifetime and intensified over the last short while as i am stripped of the things my heart holds dear. 

How long must one soul mourn. Overwhelmed as I struggle to move ahead, grow and find the me you saw, that I want to see. Fight to be one of good ones. Help and love and bring peace.

Beloveds I'm sorry for all the sad. Breathing deep tonight as I miss so many. Orion watch over me.

Fight

http://youtu.be/sgRb_lfIZ6A

This week is breaking me! Such ridiculousness. Impossible goals, ridiculous expectations and missing my girls like a part of my soul is gone.

Deep pangs of loneliness shake my entire body. Oh my how I miss the strength I once felt. The years of limitless loneliness are taking their toll. 

I dialed numbers today. Why I don't know. I never pushed send. I made calls and never left messages. Crippled by the helplessness I feel on multiple fronts. 

I will not stop fighting. My loves I will always fight for you!

Beloveds fight for it all. Yourself, your loves, the right things to happen. Don't quit!