Cleanse the poison....TRIGGER WARNING

http://youtu.be/UyVflW49t5U

http://youtu.be/3rS6mZUo3fg

I'm sitting at a cold metal table shaking and staring at an old school tape recorder. The flat kind attached to a mic.

There's an older man in dress pants with a small notepad in his hands. He assures me all will be ok, that he believes me and that im safe. I still feel like I'm under the microscope. The room is cold. I tug at my cardigan. 

I take a deep breath and I hear a loud click as the recorder gets turned on. The man asks "ready?" I nod and close my eyes. 

It was a warm night in July. I was out bar hopping for a friend's bachelorette party. We started at midtown dives and then headed down town. I clear my throat, afraid of the judgment on the other side of the table. The man smiles and says "take your time."

After many drinks and a trip across town we end up at my "home" bar. The place I like to go on a typical night out. I know the staff, the drinks are good and reasonably priced and there's music playing. 

My girlfriend and i take some celebratory shots, the room is getting wavy. I look down the bar and there HE is. Why is HE here?! This is MY place.

(Who is HE? HE is my ex fiancé that just  up and left me a few months before the wedding, packed up and moved out while i was out of town. HE was a logger, this was not his kind of place at all. HE was a whiskey drinking, lost soul and he didn't belong here.)

He approached our party and bought is all drinks i accepted and seethed. He returned to the opposite end of the bar. My friend and I turned the corner to smoke and dance and of course drink more. I told her I'd be back I was off to the ladies room.

The world was fuzzy, so I didn't see HIM follow me. As I attempted to turn left HE grabbed my arm, he drug me into the men's room. I could smell the wild turkey on his breathe mixed with the smell of pine and diesel mix. 

HE shoved me into a stall it didn't lock. I knew what was to happen. He began roughly kissing at me. Landing some on my face, mouth and neck.he wreaked. They hurt they were cruel and roughS he was grabbing my arms tight. HE said he had missed me. And began pulling at my top, and grabbing at my belt. I heard a man come in. I pleaded, please let's go somewhere else. I thought this could be my escape. I was wrong, HE agreed and we left the bathroom, me in the lead. He was mich taller and faster. I tried to get to the main bar. No luck.

The ladies room was a single room with one toilet. As i tried to get out he pushed me in the room and locked the door.

 

He laughed a wicked laugh. My eyes filled with tears. I knew I was had. I tried sweet talk him. Thinking he would let e go or be gentle.

He told me to shut up; spun me around and shoved my face into the wall. I could smell the paint, the smoke, perman by market where people had written quot s, names and hearts. He held me against the wall with his forearms. I held my breath.

I knew he was strong and i also knew he could be vicious. Known for fighting and living wild. I also knew he often carried a gun. It made him feel tough. I didn't know what he held in his arsenal all I knew was fighting was too big a risk. I had a little girl waiting for me at my folks.

I heard the zip of his pants. He laughed and said, "I know you missed me.  I'm going to make sure you never forget me."

The rest is a blur. I froze. I held my breath. Tears slid down my cheeks and searing pain shot through my body.  Time stood still and raced all at the same time. The cold cement wall against my face. The acrid smell of whiskey and smokers breath. 

Finally, he was finished. He pulled up his pants and left laughing. I waited a moment, tried to clean up and washed my face. 

I came out of the bathroom, clearly looking disheveled and upset. I could hear the bartender (a friend) say "jen, Jenn, you ok?" I didn't answer. I went to my car, as I climbed in with he bride to be HE  shoved his way into car. 

I stupidly attempted to drive home. I was too shaken. I turned the wrong way down a one way. HE yelled at me, yanked the wheel and i pulled over. He got out, shoved me into the passenger seat and drove my friend home. HE then drove me to my place, parked extra close to the car next to us and got out and fled on foot. 

Click. Statement over.

I climb over the seats, get out and go into my apartment. I shake and cry and stare in the mirror. Then the thought crossed my mind HE STILL HAD A KEY!!!! I had to do something.

I called 911, a female officer came ou. She was stern but kind. She took my statement and we went to the crisis center. They did an exam. Took my clothes and calmed me best they could.

I was proud of making the report but terrified of the repercussions. I found a place to stay while my locks got changed and tried to get my life together. 

The prosecutor told me that since alcohol was involved he couldn't do anything. I cried all the way home. Then it was time to go get my things from the crime lab. HE would get away with it all.... And I would struggle to ever trust again. 

Finally, my story is out in the wind!!!! Not looking for pity or vengeance, simply a cleansing of the poison within. 

Beloveds, now you know.